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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers

lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in ****pit

(S) Something tightened in ****pit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

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Every time I read that list, it cracks me up. That must be the 10th time I've seen that, and I'm always laughing at it. :laugh:

But I wonder which airline it originally came from, or if it was just made up? I first saw it as Qantas Airlines a couple times, I've seen it as Delta airlines a few times, and I think I saw it as JetBlue once...I can't really remember. This is the first time I've seen it as air force.

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I'm a helicopter mechanic in the Army and I've seen my share of ridiculous write-ups. I had a pilot when I first started who used to write up the same thing over and over, but it always checked out and I got frustrated. The last time he wrote it up I signed it off as "fixed nut behind cyclic stick" :) I had some 'splainin to do....

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