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It's week 2 but THE Friday Football Fanatic is in mid-season form


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Wow what can I say? My picks sucked last week and it may have left me feeling a little surly this week. I missed badly on the Pack / Bears game but seriously who saw that coming? Congrats to Tim the Bears fan. This NFL thing can be hard to understand. The Lions are undefeated and the heavily favored Chiefs can't buy a victory. What in the name of Paul Brown is going on here? Connie, I've got a really good feeling about this one. The Bills can't lose this weekend. Typing from a cornfield in the middle of Hanover County, I am THE Friday Football Fanatic and these are my picks:

Arizona at Atlanta (-10): The Falcons are favored by 10 points? Are you serious? This is the kind of line that starts a gambling stampede. Run, don't walk, to the nearest telephone and call every bookie in town quickly before this line changes. I know you think Michael “my sponsors asked me to change it to Mike” Vick is the most gifted player in the league but here are a few actual statistics: His career QB rating has never been higher than 82, he fumbled the ball 5 times in 4 games last year, he completed a whopping total of 14 passes last week and he has never finished higher than 19th in passing yards or 28th in rushing yards in the league. Pick: Cardinals.

Baltimore (-3) at Cincinnati: I had a feeling 37 year old Deion's return to football was gonna be a joke but I didn't know it would be this funny. He got injured in week 2 and got a 15 yard taunting penalty for celebrating a 23 yard punt return! What a maroon. Pick: Ravens.

Chicago at Minnesota (-9): Congrats to Thomas Jones. He was the #1 high school state rushing leader, he was #1 in the ACC in rushing and was a #1 pick in the NFL draft. Nice to see him bust out for a nice 150+ yard rushing game last week. Last year pretty boy Brian Urlacher had O forced fumbles, O interceptions, a career low 2.5 sacks and big steaming bowl of Chunky Soup. Tell me why they hype this clown again? Oh yeah, big market no stars. Well he did force a fumble last week so maybe the Chunky Soup curse has been lifted. Pick: Bears.

Cleveland at N.Y. Giants (-3): Looks like the magic is over for the Hispanic David Copperfield / Uncle Fester QB of the Browns as he completed 8 of 27 passes for 71 yards. Attention people of New Jersey: Do not delude yourselves. When the other team fumbles 3 times and throws 4 interceptions and you win the game, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a good team. Got it? You may now resume your lives sitting in traffic on the turnpike, eating White Castles and watching reruns of the Sopranos. Thank you. Pick: Browns.

New Orleans at St. Louis (-7): Did anyone see that play last week where Brady Smith of the Falcons took the ball out of Marc Bulger's hands in the end zone for a touchdown? I swear I think that was the most embarrassing football play I've seen in the last ten years or so. Can you imagine poor Bulger seeing that play over and over again in the film room (and his nightmares) this week? By the way Joe Horn and Duece McAllister are both hurt. Bad times in Big Easy. Pick: Rams.

Philadelphia (-4.5) at Detroit: Remember the Lions are 11-38 under the watchful eye of TV announcer turned GM Matt Millen. The potent Peter North offense rolls on. Pick: Iggles.

Pittsburgh at Miami (-1): Stop the presses. The winless Dolphins are favored in a professional football game. It's time to start stockpiling water and canned goods and prepare for the apocalypse because the world is surely coming to an end. I'm not saying the Dolphins are a laughing stock but I swear I heard calliope music when they came on the field last weekend. Speaking of water and canned goods, another hurricane hits South Florida this weekend and turns this into a running game. Fins have 28th ranked rushing defense. Pick: Steelers.

San Diego at Denver (-10): Just one little thing I'd like to remind everyone (like Peter Queen of Sports Illustrated) who think Jake Plummer will be the league MVP every year. He has thrown more TD's than INT's two times in seven years in the league, he lead his offense to 6 whole points last week against the juggernaut Jaguars, he's from Idaho (Idaho!) and has won one playoff game in his entire career. I must be crazy picking the Chargers two weeks in a row. Pick: Chargers.

Dallas at Washington (-2): Well well well looks who's favored in this game. It's Dallas week baby! Like Grandma FFF used to say, "Joe Gibbs, Jesus Christ, same difference." THE FFF is traveling up I-95 to personally insure the outcome of this one. Will it be a big time? Let's just say tequila, the ballet, keg stands, cigars, loud rock music and shot gunning beers out of a big orange traffic cone will be prominently involved. If you see someone on the field going "sockman" a la The Red Hot Chili Peppers during the game, it's probably me.

Two boys are playing football in a parking lot of FedEx Field, when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A Washington Post reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Redskins' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Skins fan," the boy replies. "Baltimore Ravens' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Ravens fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter says. "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck ba$tard kills family pet."

Pick: Redskins

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