Blondie Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 The first weekend without a Skins football game has just passed.....and already there are multiple "OMG SHE IS SO HOT" picture threads and polls in FedEX. From the look of things, Skin football is merely a diversion to uh..well......it is a diversion. It is going to be a very longgggggggg off season. SO: A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you!" "We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her." "Which word?" the woman asked." "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry.... there'll be Hell to pay later. Blondie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PCS Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Banished to he11 because you didn't study geography. Life, er ... death sucks, huh? :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondie Posted January 8, 2003 Author Share Posted January 8, 2003 Know why blonde jokes are so short? So men can remember them. :laugh: Blondie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redman Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 You know why Helen Keller was a bad driver? * Because she was a woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 :laugh: Good one, redman. (Er, not that I necessarily agree, Blondie. ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondie Posted January 8, 2003 Author Share Posted January 8, 2003 What Can I Say? A GIRLS PRAYER Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who knows I'm never wrong. One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows how to reply to "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin', In the hall, the bathroom, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempt to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the dickhead you sent me instead. Amen. A BOYS PRAYER Lord, I pray for a girl with nice tits. Amen. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Blondie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarhog Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 yep...you've got us pegged :laugh: a nice @ss would be nice too (hey, we've got a little bit of depth!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PCS Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Just a smidge. :laugh: (er...gotta have hips...hips are good) . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondie Posted January 8, 2003 Author Share Posted January 8, 2003 First, let me say I LOVE MEN...or actually MAN. Second, I am only joking. Third, y'all should know, I have pics (and I bet Candy does too) that match those posted on the HOT thread. So........for me and Candy and Vic............ Q:What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? A:Put the remote control between his toes. Q:What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? A:Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. Q:How do men exercise at the beach? A:By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q:What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal? A:A hot dog and a six-pack. Blondie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riggo-toni Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 If a man speaks alone in a forest where no woman can hear him... is he still wrong? > RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW...... > 1.If you think you are fat, you probably are. > Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. > 2.Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put > it down. > 3.Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always > more attractive than short hair. One of the big > reasons guys fear getting married is that married > women always cut their hair, and by then, you are > stuck with her. > 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and quests to see if we > can find the perfect gift yet again! > 5.If you ask a question you don't want an answer > to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. > 6.Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live > with it. > 7.Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless > you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel > lint, the specifications of my shotgun and monster > trucks. > 8.Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the > changing of the tides. Let it be. > 9.Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never > going to think of it that way. > 10.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything > you wear is fine. > 11.You have enough clothes. > 12.You have too many shoes. > 13.Crying is blackmail. > 14.Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. > 15.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this > one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not > work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! > 16.No, we do not know what day it is. We never > will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. > 17.Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We > are bound to miss sometimes. > 18.Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes > you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, > out of thirty, would look good with your dress? > 19.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to > almost every question. > 20.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. > 21.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a > problem. See a doctor. > 22.Foreign films are best left to foreigners. > 23.Check your oil. > 24.Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective > than deceived. > 25.It is neither in your best interest nor ours to > take the quiz together. > 26.No, it does not matter which quiz. > 27.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in > an argument. All comments become null and void > after 7 days. > 28.If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret > girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. > 29.If something we said can be interpreted two > ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we > meant the other one. > 30.Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it > is genetic. > 31.Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie > to come out. > 32.You can either ask us to do something OR tell > us how you want it done - not both. > 33.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have > to say during commercials. > 34.Christopher Columbus did not need directions, > and neither do we. > 35.Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses > lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. > 36.More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut > blouses. We like staring at boobs. > 37.The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. > 38.ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows > default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. > 39.Pumpkin is also a fruit. > 40.If it itches, it will be scratched. > 41.Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. > 42.If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY > stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. > 43.We are not mind readers and we never will be. > Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how > little we care about you. > 44.If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," > we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is > just not worth the hassle. > 45.If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together. > 46.What the hell is a doily? 47. Nothing says "I love you" more than a b*** job in the morning. (er, Sorry about that one...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redman Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 LOL, riggo. Great list. Originally posted by riggo-toni 47. Nothing says "I love you" more than a b*** job in the morning. (er, Sorry about that one...) Why on earth are you apologizing? :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Three women are sunbathing by the pool at thier country club, when a gust of wind blows open the door to the men's room where a man is dying his hair. While his face is covered, he is otherwise completely naked. The first woman looks, sighs, and says "well that's not my husband." The second women looks, snickers and says "that's defniately not my husband." The third woman looks and then says "Of course not, ladies, he's not even a member of this club." :cool: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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