jokes and jokes and jokes

[no1fanofno21]

working on saturday morning sucks, im so tired, need to be awaken with funnies.

ill start it off.

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: I just saw my wife on rollerskates!

[Extreme]

good stuff

a guy walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a suitcase.

he asks what she's doing, and she says, "honey i'm leaving you, i heard you were a pedophile."

he looks at her and says, "pedophile, that's a mighty big word for an 8 year old."

[JuanC]

This one is a good one, here is a link: http://www.ahajokes.com/ani008.html

[gchwood]

good stuff

a guy walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a suitcase.

he asks what she's doing, and she says, "honey i'm leaving you, i heard you were a pedophile."

he looks at her and says, "pedophile, that's a mighty big word for an 8 year old."

that is f'ed up

[visionary]

(an old classic)

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commander’s first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

When the commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel.

The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent.

The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

[JuanC]

(an old classic)

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commander’s first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

When the commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel.

The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent.

The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: He was desperate, lol.

[SKINS@THEGOALLINE]

Q: What has red hair and lives in a test tube?

A: Bozo the clone.

[gchwood]

Q: What has red hair and lives in a test tube?

A: Bozo the clone.

I don't get it:whoknows:

[visionary]

I don't get it:whoknows:

LOL, it's a play on words from Bozo the Clown

(and clones are born in test tubes)

[visionary]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's ****ing goofy!"

[LD0506]

A blonde goes into a department store and after looking around tells the clerk "I'd like to buy this TV"

The clerk tells her "We don't sell to blondes"

Frustrated, the blonde leaves the store, covers her hair with a scarf and dons a pair of sunglasses. Going back in, she tells the clerk "I'd like to buy this TV".

The clerk says "We don't sell to blondes".

Now really smoked, she goes down the street to a salon where she has her hair dyed and cut. Returning to the store she tells the clerk "I'd like to buy this TV".

The clerk say "We don't sell to blondes".

She is furious now and screams at the clerk "How do you know I'm a blonde?!?!"

The clerk says "That's a microwave".

[gchwood]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's ****ing goofy!"

I'll take minnie off of his hands, she is hot!!

uh j/k ....

[visionary]

A blonde goes into a department store and after looking around tells the clerk "I'd like to buy this TV"

The clerk tells her "We don't sell to blondes"

Frustrated, the blonde leaves the store, covers her hair with a scarf and dons a pair of sunglasses. Going back in, she tells the clerk "I'd like to buy this TV".

The clerk says "We don't sell to blondes".

Now really smoked, she goes down the street to a salon where she has her hair dyed and cut. Returning to the store she tells the clerk "I'd like to buy this TV".

The clerk say "We don't sell to blondes".

She is furious now and screams at the clerk "How do you know I'm a blonde?!?!"

The clerk says "That's a microwave".

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: lol stupid blondes...

(wait, I'm blonde, or I used to be anyay, lol)

[no1fanofno21]

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

[LD0506]

Just for a counterpoint

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He's welcomed in and St. Peter is showing him around. They pass a closed door and the man, hearing voices behind it, asks "What's that?"

"Shhhhhhh" says St. Peter "Those are the Baptists, they think they're the only ones here"

[visionary]

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

[PCS]

A man walks into a bar one day with a crocodle under his arm. He walks up to the bar and places the crocodile on top of it. Needless to say this gets the attention of the patrons and the bartender. The man looks up at the bartender and says: " If you don't mind, I have an announcement for the bar." Curious, the bartender says "Sure".

The man steps up onto the bar and says to the crowd.

" Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to make a wager with you all. I wager that I can place my **** insided this crocodile's mouth and have it close its mouth on it for one minute. After one minute, it will open its mouth and it will not leave a single mark on my ****. I will wager you all $1000.00 on this."

After talking among themselves, the patrons and the bartender agree to the terms of the bet. The bartender collects the money and agrees to keep the time. With that, the man unzips his pants and places his **** in the crodiles mouth and it then closes its mouth. After one minute the bartender yells "Time!"

The man reaches over and picks up a beer bottle from the bar and smashes it on top of the crododile's head. The crocodile opens his mouth, the man withdraws himself from it and shows the bartender that there were no marks. Bartender nods his head, tells the patrons no marks, and gives the man the money. The man then looks at the bartender and says "I have another announcement for the bar." Bartender says "Okay" and the man steps up onto the bar again.

"Ladies and gentlemen! I am a fair man. I will share 1/2 this money with anyone who thinks they can do the same!"

They all look at each other and whisper. After a few minutes a woman in the back of the bar raises her hand.

"Yes ma'm?" the man asks rather shocked.

The woman stands up and says:

" I'll do it. But you have to promise not to him me on the head with a beer bottle."

*

I'll be here all week. Try the ravioli.

[aszumilo]

An old man was sitting on a bench, looking despondant. An old lady walked past hime and asked what was wrong? The looked at her and said "my wife died three years ago and I have not had any hold my thing since she passed on". The old lady was quite saddened over the man's story and agreed to hold it. So, she sits down and places her hand in his pants. The have a pleasant afternoon, sitting there and talking and agree to meet there everyday.

After a coule weeks, the old lady goes to the bench and the old man is not there. Worried she begins to look for him.

She walks around the park and finds him sitting on another park bench, with another old woman holding his thing. Furious she storms up and begins to yell at him "YOU s.o.b., what does she have that I don't?"

The man looks at her and says "Parkinsons"

[LiveStrongSkins]

An old man was sitting on a bench, looking despondant. An old lady walked past hime and asked what was wrong? The looked at her and said "my wife died three years ago and I have not had any hold my thing since she passed on". The old lady was quite saddened over the man's story and agreed to hold it. So, she sits down and places her hand in his pants. The have a pleasant afternoon, sitting there and talking and agree to meet there everyday.

After a coule weeks, the old lady goes to the bench and the old man is not there. Worried she begins to look for him.

She walks around the park and finds him sitting on another park bench, with another old woman holding his thing. Furious she storms up and begins to yell at him "YOU s.o.b., what does she have that I don't?"

The man looks at her and says "Parkinsons"

:laugh::laugh: So wrong, but funny.

[LDthrower]

Here's one:

A man goes into the bathroom after a night of drinking, when a midget walks in and uses the urinal next to him. The man starts watching him and notices that he has quite a big member. The man then says "I couldn't help but notice that you're pretty well hung."

To which the midget says "O, laddy, you've discovered my Leprechaun secret and I'm obligated to reward you with three wishes."

The man thinks about this and says "For my first wish I want money; enough money to where i don't have to think about working ever again."

The leprechaun says "Granted, and your second wish."

The man says "I want girls, I want a new girl every night sometimes even 2 or 3 a night"

The leprechaun says "Granted, and your third wish."

The man says "I think it would be pretty cool to have a member like you have"

The leprechaun says "All these wishes will be granted if you let me have my way with you from behind."

To which the man says "I don't know..." and he thought about all the money and girls and finally says "Ok."

The little guy jumps up there and goes at it. And whens he's done says "Laddy, how old are you?"

The man replies "26"

"26, and still believing in Leprechauns", the little man laughs.

[21KO]

good stuff

a guy walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a suitcase.

he asks what she's doing, and she says, "honey i'm leaving you, i heard you were a pedophile."

he looks at her and says, "pedophile, that's a mighty big word for an 8 year old."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[s0crates]

Just for a counterpoint

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He's welcomed in and St. Peter is showing him around. They pass a closed door and the man, hearing voices behind it, asks "What's that?"

"Shhhhhhh" says St. Peter "Those are the Baptists, they think they're the only ones here"

You told it wrong. The tour of heaven is supposed to have people from all nationalities and religions, and the people behind the door who think they are the only ones there are the Christians. (At least thats the way I always tell it). It is one of my favorite jokes though.

[PCS]

You told it wrong. The tour of heaven is supposed to have people from all nationalities and religions, and the people behind the door who think they are the only ones there are the Christians. (At least thats the way I always tell it). It is one of my favorite jokes though.

Here in Utah, I've heard the same joke only with Mormons. Told to me by mormons even.

[LD0506]

Hey, my wife is a Baptist, blame her :laugh: That's where I got it

A guy is sitting in a bar and notices an attractive woman at the other end. He tells the bartender to send her whatever she's drinking from him. The bartender leans over and says "Ok pal, but I have to tell you, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian". The guy looks puzzled but says "Ok, just do it anyway".

Don Juan that he is, he sidles down to her and says "Hi, sooooo...... the barkeep tells me you're a lesbian?"

She says "Thanks for the drink but yes, I am"

He sits there thinking for a minute, then asks "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?'

[dcsmooth]

Question: What does fat women and scooters have in common?

Answer: No one wants to be seen riding either one!

"Night time is the right time" Ray Charles