Dear Alcohol:

[RonJeremy]

Dear Alcohol:

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work ****tail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is

important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of

substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you

make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of

the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you

suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian

meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need

to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, andthe black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting

ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's

debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is

completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if

the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this

fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Cdowwe]

I can honestly say that Im very sick right now and a college student. Finals are next week and I need to heal, but this post just made me want to drinnk tonight.

[RonJeremy]

Originally posted by Cdowwe

I can honestly say that Im very sick right now and a college student. Finals are next week and I need to heal, but this post just made me want to drinnk tonight.

glad I could help! :laugh:

[Mr. S]

Originally posted by Cdowwe

I can honestly say that Im very sick right now and a college student. Finals are next week and I need to heal, but this post just made me want to drinnk tonight.

man, I feel that! Im trying to keep it clean for a few days, but my fridge still has a good amount.

[SoCalSkins]

Originally posted by Cdowwe

I can honestly say that Im very sick right now and a college student. Finals are next week and I need to heal, but this post just made me want to drinnk tonight.

You wouldn't have gotten sick if you had drank enough. The antibiotic effects of binge drinking are underestimated.

[Huly]

OJ and Vodka. Vodka to kill the germ and the OJ for vitamins.

[PCS]

Drink of choice for sick bartenders right there. When I was bartending, the tourist would share whatever bug was the thing back where they came from. So, other bartenders and I would would drink screwdrivers. Vodka to get the bug looped, and the vitamine C to bury it. Can't say it worked practically, but testing the theory was effective.

Oh. And P.S. to alcohol.

Relief. I understand that under normal circumstances, it's a place to sit and relax, maybe read that article. That while you certainly provide ample opportunity for the opportunity of "relief" there, expecially when we are having a good time in the form of beer, is it really necessary to also have me feel relief, ( at times), while sticking my head in that very same place? Sigh.