Philly Columnist with "HIGH expectations"

[Griff]

and I mean HIGH as in... On the pipe. Read this garbage.

Posted on Thu, Apr. 14, 2005

Bob Ford | A perfect chance for perfect season

By Bob Ford

Inquirer Columnist

A very long time ago, maybe as many as five or six years ago, the NFL would finalize its schedule for the coming season and send it out to the teams and the wire service agencies, and that would be that.

It was, after all, only the schedule.

Yesterday, no doubt to help create programming for the NFL Network that didn't involve sideline shots of Hank Stram, the league turned the announcement of the schedule into a gala production. I missed it, but no doubt it was great.

Never mind that we already knew which teams were on the schedule, and which games were home. Never mind that the only news yesterday was the order of the games and their times and dates - Christmas Eve in Tempe, Ariz.? This was big news, because everything to do with the NFL in this nation, and everything to do with the Eagles in this fine city, is big news.

So be it. The world is crazy, and why should the National Football League be an exception?

With the Monday night opener in Atlanta less than five months away, there's no time to dawdle. Let's go right to the schedule and how it will shake out.

Sept. 12, at Falcons, 9 p.m. - Donovan McNabb throws for three touchdowns and throws up twice. "I'll take that ratio all season," coach Andy Reid says. Freddie Mitchell catches one pass. Other receivers total 15 receptions. "I'm not saying anything yet," Mitchell says. Eagles 27, Falcons 14.

Sept. 18, vs. 49ers, 1 p.m. - Against his former team, Terrell Owens catches a pair of touchdown passes. After the second, he takes a trowel from his sock, digs up a laptop buried in the end zone, and sends an e-mail to agent Drew Rosenhaus: "Get me my dough, dog." Eagles 31, 49ers 10.

Sept. 25, vs. Raiders, 1 p.m. - Tight end Chad Lewis catches a pass and does not immediately fall down. The game is stopped. Lewis is presented with the ball and promptly falls down. Eagles 17, Raiders 13.

Oct. 2, at Chiefs, 1 p.m. - On his way to what is apparently the winning touchdown, Kansas City running back Priest Holmes slips and falls. Replays are inconclusive, but Mitchell says that is the exact spot where McNabb was sick on the previous series. "Now that's what I call thinking ahead," Mitchell says. Eagles 21, Chiefs 20.

Oct. 9, at Cowboys, 4:15 p.m. - Long snapper Mike Bartram is pressed into service as a tight end and catches a touchdown pass. He celebrates by signing the ball and handing it to Owens' agent. "How 'bout some love for the long snapper?" he says. Reid and Bill Parcells just wave to each other after the game. "That's a long way to walk," Parcells says. Eagles 41, Cowboys 14.

Oct. 23, vs. Chargers, 1 p.m. - Todd Pinkston drops a pass over the middle and is booed by the crowd at Lincoln Financial Field. "I'm not saying anything," Owens says. "I'm not saying anything," Mitchell says. "We'll see," Reid says. "I feel a little queasy, " McNabb says. Eagles 33, Chargers 24.

Oct. 30, at Broncos, 4:15 p.m. - An unexpected snowfall blankets the Denver metropolitan area. Lewis falls down and makes a snow angel. Eagles 17, Broncos 13.

Nov. 6, at Redskins, 8:30 p.m. - Pinkston loses a ball in the lights and attempts to find it again by running out of bounds. Jeremiah Trotter is booed by Redskins fans after knocking Washington's quarterback unconscious on a sack. "What goes around, goes around - kind of like his head," Trotter says. Eagles 28, Redskins 12.

Nov. 14, vs. Cowboys, 9 p.m. - A new McNabb endorsement of Pepto-Bismol is unveiled. Eagles 20, Cowboys 6.

Nov. 20, at Giants, 1 p.m. - David Akers dislocates his shoulder while making a tackle on a kickoff. He keeps playing. "I don't kick with my shoulder," Akers says. Brian Westbrook catches 15 passes and rushes 20 times. "I'll just keep waiting," Mitchell says. Eagles 17, Giants 10.

Nov. 27, vs. Packers, 4:15 p.m. - Owens catches four touchdown passes. After the final one, he pulls a wad of $100 bills from his sock and begins passing them out to fans in the end- zone seats. "I spread the love," he says. Eagles 28, Packers 24.

Dec. 5, vs. Seahawks, 9 p.m. - The Eagles improve their record to 12-0. McNabb throws three more touchdown passes to Owens, beating cornerback Bobby Taylor each time. "It just made me sick to do that," McNabb says. "Well, something did," Mitchell says. Eagles 34, Seahawks 12.

Dec. 11, vs. Giants, 4:05 p.m. - Reid's team completes its sweep of New York. "We've still got a lot to work on," he says. Eagles 48, Giants 6.

Dec. 18, at Rams, 4:15 p.m. - With the top seed in the NFC clinched, Koy Detmer takes over for McNabb. He throws three touchdown passes and throws up twice. "I learned from the best," Detmer says. Eagles 28, Rams 20.

Dec. 24, at Cardinals, 4:05 p.m. - Owens takes the field wearing a green Santa hat instead of a helmet and carrying a bag of presents. After each reception, he pulls out a gift and hands it to the defender. "I'm in the holiday spirit," Owens says. Eagles 36, Cardinals 16.

Jan. 1, vs. Redskins, 4:15 p.m. - Mitchell makes a clutch fourth-and-26 reception to keep a winning drive alive, and the Eagles complete their first perfect season. "If they had gone to me sooner this year, our record could have been even better," Mitchell says. Eagles 28, Redskins 24.

Sure it's early, but that's the way it looks. After all, the schedule tells us everything.

Contact columnist Bob Ford at 215-854-5842 or bford@phillynews.com. Read his recent work at http://go.philly.com/bobford.

http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/sports/football/11387691.htm?template=contentModules/printstory.jsp

[Warhead36]

The end of it was kind of funny.

[Westbrook36]

Go to www.dictionary.com and look up satire then report back to us.

[PCS]

I don't know. I get a tongue in cheek feel on this one. I could be wrong, but I think the schedule is more of a platform to have some fun at some players' expense. And the Eagles and the media. Some funny stuff in there.

[PapaDRoc]

This is a joke column. He doesn't sound serious at all. It's actually pretty funny.

Some of my favorites:

"Pinkston loses a ball in the lights and attempts to find it again by running out of bounds." Eagles 28, Redskins 12.

Mitchell makes a clutch fourth-and-26 reception to keep a winning drive alive, and the Eagles complete their first perfect season. "If they had gone to me sooner this year, our record could have been even better," Mitchell says. Eagles 28, Redskins 24.

An unexpected snowfall blankets the Denver metropolitan area. Lewis falls down and makes a snow angel. Eagles 17, Broncos 13.

A new McNabb endorsement of Pepto-Bismol is unveiled. Eagles 20, Cowboys 6.

With the top seed in the NFC clinched, Koy Detmer takes over for McNabb. He throws three touchdown passes and throws up twice. "I learned from the best," Detmer says. Eagles 28, Rams 20.

:laugh:

[TLusby]

If they were 15-0 going into the Skins I doubt there starters would play and they would fold like last year. I believe we will split with them next year.

[Dead Money]

He lost me when he said Mitchell would be playing :laugh:

[zoony]

Originally posted by Westbrook36

Go to www.dictionary.com and look up satire then report back to us.

A little touchy tonight, eh?

[Westbrook36]

Originally posted by zoony

A little touchy tonight, eh?

I forgot the smiley, sorry. As a point of reference, 90 percent of the time, I'm joking.

[JMac]

Whats more funny than this article was T.O. on CNBC last night. He was crying with big tears about he is just a victim in this contract issue and that non one really knows him or what he has been through. The man is one heck of a WR but he has some serious mental issues.

[FBChick]

Yeah other then the perfect record... This was pretty hilarious if you ask me!