codeorama Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Playing Hardball Posted: Wednesday April 23, 2003 4:48 PM Wait, wait, wait. Before we let a couple of trailer-park nut bags without enough blood in their alcohol streams ruin the way millions watch baseball, let's all take a cleansing breath. People are talking about adding so much security at ballparks that they'll end up assigning an usher to every fan. They're talking about putting up nets between the players and the fans, an awful feature of stadiums in Japan. They're talking about stun guns and guard dogs -- and that's just in case Roseanne tries to sing the national anthem again. But what baseball needs to do is less. In fact the next time some genius with more beer in him than brains decides to run onto the field and get medieval on somebody, baseball needs to do nothing at all. For five minutes. I want security to move with the speed of postal clerks with bunions. Because for those five minutes players from both teams will be piled on top of Tommy Twelvepack, reconfiguring the joker into steak tartare. When security finally drags him off, Diamond Vision will show the world a guy that looks like a six-foot welt. You won't get another bum on the field until 2050. "If a guy is going to come out on the field, he's going to get what he deserves," says Minnesota Twins catcher A.J. Pierzynski. "I mean, did you see what the [Kansas City] Royals did to this last guy?" Oooh, yes; did you? When a drunk fan named Eric Dybas, 24, attacked umpire Laz Diaz at a Chicago White Sox home game last week, the Royals gave him the full-on Uday Hussein greeting. Diaz later admitted force-feeding the man mouthfuls of dirt and grass under the pile. On the outskirts of the pile, one Royal could be seen stomping on Dybas's bare legs with his metal cleats. Hey, you need role players. "Players see a guy like that as free bait," says Arizona Diamondbacks outfielder Luis Gonzalez. "We know it might be our one chance to get in our WWF wrestling moves." "Plus you know it's on TV," says Colorado Rockies reliever Todd Jones, "so you better not just try to love him down to the ground, or you'll be taking crap about it in the clubhouse for months." A picture is worth 1,000 laws. Ask yourself: Has anybody run onto an NFL field since Baltimore Colts linebacker Mike Curtis clotheslined that cretin more than 30 years ago? How many lint-brains jump onto the ice at NHL games, when they can see players coming off spitting bicuspids? "What you do," says Twins first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz, "is you drag him back to the clubhouse, where there's no cameras. We'd treat the guy like family -- a crime family. Baseball players aren't the most mentally stable people anyway." Sir, you're about to digest an entire wad of chew. Enjoy! Somebody asked massive New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi how he'd like it if he were attacked by a fan. "I might be the happiest guy on the planet," he said. "Because then I'd get to beat the ---- out of somebody." "As an outfielder, I get hit by things all the time," says Gonzalez, "coins, metal stuff. You pretend you don't feel it because there's nothing you can do about it. So when somebody comes out on that field, he's paying for the frustrations all the players have for the fans who've ridden them all year." Do you hear that? There's something bigger here than a couple of fans from the wrong side of the DNA helix. Behind all the physical confrontations there's a mounting tension between fans and players. But how does baseball expect its fans to act when there's a brawl between players every third game? When a hit-by-pitch becomes the sinking of the Lusitania, always followed by at least a step toward the mound and a menacing **** of the bat? When baseball tolerates both benches -- and bullpens -- emptying onto the field? The NBA and NHL suspend players for leaving the bench when a fight occurs, why can't baseball? But there's more to it than that. In a game in which it seems like half the players change uniforms every year, the fans' allegiance goes to the gorgeous new downtown ballparks, not the players. A welder making $25,000 a year feels only bitterness toward a shortstop making $25 million, but he can relate to a cool place to drink a cold beer or seven. Not only are there a lot fewer people going to games -- seen the droopy attendance figures lately? -- but also a lot of the people who do go aren't really fans of the game. They go to get a head start on their nightly buzz, to see who else is there and to do whatever it takes to get on SportsCenter. Like it or not, we live in the age of Jackass, when doing colossally stupid and painful things to your body gets you an MTV series and a movie; when video-game characters crack their heads open in one screen and continue skateboarding in the next; when the average 24-year-old figures violence just tickles. Until the tension abates, players have only one choice: Use those five minutes to show him how wrong he was. Son, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Barry Bonds. We accidentally told him you were a reporter. Have fun! If this were the case, we would be cheering for fans to run out on the field... :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kilmer17 Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Excellent idea. They could package the highlights and sell it on PPV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TennesseeCarl Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Just watch the guy who the Royals beat up turn around and sue them, the league, the stadium authority and anyone else with a deep pocket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awgustlab Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 I have a solution: Just "delete" the sport entirely. The Japanese and Puerto Ricans can have it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Evil Genius Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Originally posted by TennesseeCarl Just watch the guy who the Royals beat up turn around and sue them, the league, the stadium authority and anyone else with a deep pocket. Exactamundo - and dont forget the people who kept serving him alcohol (sarcasm guys) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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