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OT: Humor


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A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane

flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop

functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island

and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of

cannibals and taken to their village.

The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are

civilized and they have a custom on their island that

before they eat anyone, they grant that person his

or her last wishes-no matter what they are.

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all

the trimmings, Cajun fries and case of beer."

The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who

immediately run into the jungle and come back with the

steak, the fries and the beer.

The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"

He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive

Champagne and I'd also like a big plate of escargot

cooked in the French manner."

The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush

off into the Jungle and bring back everything the

Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill and

he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is

your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and

replies: "I want you to kick me in the *** as hard as

you can, little man."

The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only

to receive the same reply. The Chief shrugs his

shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and

kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli

pulls out a genuine made-in-Israel Uzi, and quickly

kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli in shock

and say: "If you had that gun all the time why the hell

didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli shrugs and replies as he starts cleaning his

gun: "What? And risk being condemned by the world for

overreacting to insufficient provocation?"


> The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat

> at the beginning of negotiations regarding the

> resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister

> requests that he be allowed to begin with a story.

> Arafat replies, "Of course."


> The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before

> the Israelites came to the Promised Land and

> settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the

> desert.

> The Israelites began complaining that they were

> thirsty and, low and behold, a miracle occurred and a

> stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and

> then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some

> bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out

> of the water, he found that all his clothing was

> missing.


> "Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around

> him.


> "It was the Palestinians," replied the

> Israelites--"


> "Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately,

> "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"


> "All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that

> we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."


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Some more humor

A few minutes before the church services

started, the townspeople were sitting in

their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan

appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running

for the front entrance, trampling each

other in a frantic effort to get away

from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had

exited the church except for one elderly

gentleman who sat calmly in his pew

without moving, seeming oblivious to the

fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his

presence. So Satan walked up to the old

man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't

you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure aren't." said the man. "Don't

you realize I can kill you with a word?"

asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute,"

returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you

profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for

all eternity??" persisted Satan. "Yep,"

was the calm reply. "And you're still

not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

"Well, why aren't you afraid of me? The man

calmly replied, "Been married to your

sister for over 48 years."

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Old Muldoon is out with his buddies - has a few drinks, gets horny - but,

true to his wife, goes home.

Finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, gets two

aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in

my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"

He says, - "That's what I wanted to hear

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the sh1t scared out of them!"

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