Riggo-toni Posted May 28, 2002 Share Posted May 28, 2002 A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes-no matter what they are. He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?" The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and case of beer." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot. The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?" He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the Jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot. The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?" The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the *** as hard as you can, little man." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a genuine made-in-Israel Uzi, and quickly kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals. The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli in shock and say: "If you had that gun all the time why the hell didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli shrugs and replies as he starts cleaning his gun: "What? And risk being condemned by the world for overreacting to insufficient provocation?" ============================================== > The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat > at the beginning of negotiations regarding the > resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister > requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. > Arafat replies, "Of course." > > The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before > the Israelites came to the Promised Land and > settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the > desert. > The Israelites began complaining that they were > thirsty and, low and behold, a miracle occurred and a > stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and > then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some > bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out > of the water, he found that all his clothing was > missing. > > "Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around > him. > > "It was the Palestinians," replied the > Israelites--" > > "Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, > "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!" > > "All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that > we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations." > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romo Posted May 28, 2002 Share Posted May 28, 2002 Ouch...very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyDave Posted May 28, 2002 Share Posted May 28, 2002 Classic and If you dont mind I have to borrow the last one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinsfan44 Posted May 28, 2002 Share Posted May 28, 2002 riggo-toni, the second one is a classic. 2 thumbs up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyDave Posted May 28, 2002 Share Posted May 28, 2002 Some more humor A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aren't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyDave Posted May 28, 2002 Share Posted May 28, 2002 Old Muldoon is out with his buddies - has a few drinks, gets horny - but, true to his wife, goes home. Finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!" He says, - "That's what I wanted to hear The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the sh1t scared out of them!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PennState11 Posted May 28, 2002 Share Posted May 28, 2002 I like the last Texas one, even though unfourtanetly i was born there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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