Kornheiser:Winners In D.C.? Thanks for Nothing

[TK]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A16610-2003Nov26.html

Winners In D.C.? Thanks for Nothing

By Tony Kornheiser

Thursday, November 27, 2003; Page D01

As long as it's Thanksgiving day, let's see what we can give thanks for in this turkey of a sports town:

We can be thankful for Freddy Adu. Because if it weren't for Freddy Adu we'd have no du at all. Come to think of it, maybe all we'd have is, um, doo-doo.

And we can be thankful that Freddy Adu is going to play at RFK. Because you can get there on the subway. So it's not like having to go to the fabulously convenient FedEx Field, for which you'd have to start driving now. (Oh, and enjoy Freddy Adu now, in case the next bone scan comes through and we find out that he drove in the 1989 Indianapolis 500.)

Do you think Freddy Adu will eventually marry a Spice Girl, like David Beckham did? That would be so cool. But the Spice Girls are almost 40 now. So which one would he marry, Old Spice? Bada-boom.

We can be thankful for Jaromir Jagr, because it's not like he hasn't been great or anything.

No? Really?

Well, certainly then we can be thankful for the women's soccer league Washington Freedom, because it's not like they won a championship and then the league folded the next day or anything.

It did? You're kidding! And Mia was last seen in California, where she married Nomar! So now she's Mia Hamm-Garciaparra. (Could be worse. She could have run off with former Maryland starting quarterback Jim Sandwisch.)

Go on! Next you're going to tell me the second-string quarterback for the Redskins, that Hasselbeck kid who nobody in town could pick out of a lineup with The Strokes, married a red-hot babe who got a permanent chair on "The View"? And she's making more money than him. Good for him. (The word is Hasselbeck may start Sunday. How do you think he'll like "The View" from flat on his back?)

We can be thankful for Jerry Stackhouse. He's changed our lives. With his pioneering calendar, every vacation week has eight days. You get an extra bonus day with each vacation week. It's like using the Discover Card!

We can be thankful Gary Williams and Jim Calhoun aren't in the new Farrelly Brothers movie "Stuck on You."

We can be thankful we're in Washington, where nobody is contending for a championship. You go to hockey games in Detroit or basketball games in San Antonio, and the arenas are so crowded that you feel so cramped and cooped up. But here you have room. At Capitals games, you can bring a picnic basket and spread out a blanket, and you'll have three or four rows to yourself. Sometimes your closest neighbor is a couple of sections away. And don't look now, but he's wearing a "Juneau" shirt.

It's just a lot easier to live in a city where all the pro teams are so bad. The players don't feel any pressure to win, and the fans don't feel any pressure to go to the games. Take the Wizards. Any time you want, you can sign up for "LaSooz's Friends and Realignment Special," where for every ticket you buy to an Atlanta game, you get five for Orlando and 10 for Miami. And they'll throw in a T-shirt that says: "Southeast Division Fever! Catch It and Die!"

We can be thankful for Bruce Smith. He came back this year to break the all-time NFL sack record, and he's doing it -- albeit at a pace that rivals the movement of the great Greenland Glacier. Not only is Bruce Smith still with us, but for the second time he has publicly complained about not having enough playing time. This time it was to the owner himself. How 'bout that? Bruce Smith in the locker room after the loss to Miami, cornering Dan Snyder to get more snaps. And somehow Bruce doesn't think that's selfish. And somehow Bruce isn't deactivated. So I guess Bruce can be thankful Jon Gruden isn't coaching this team. (And Patrick Ramsey can be thankful he's still in one piece, as long as the basting stitches hold up.) But Champ Bailey may not be so thankful. He says he isn't sure he wants a contract extension unless George Edwards is back as defensive coordinator, because a new defensive coordinator would be Champ's sixth in six years. Four more coordinators and Champ will automatically qualify for "LaSooz's Friends and Coordinators Special," where you get nine free tickets to the Memphis game and a blocking sled.

We can be thankful the Montreal Expos are moving here in 2004. Or is it 2005? Or maybe 2006. No, wait, the Monteal Expos are moving here after they move to Puerto Rico and Portland and Norfolk. What we should really be thankful for is that when Bud Selig says he believes that Washington is "the leading candidate" for baseball what he means is that Washington is the leading candidate between Bowie and Purcellville, ahead of Chevy Chase and the outlet mall in Leesburg. But first baseball is going to try and relocate the Expos in Sri Lanka or Uruguay.

We can be thankful for Maryland going to the Gator Bowl. Better there than the Continental Tire Bowl. (How in the name of all that's decent can there possibly be a Continental Tire Bowl? Do their bowl representatives wear rubber blazers?) We can be thankful for Ralph Friedgen, who takes Maryland to a bowl every year. Friedgen is one of the first college football coaches to put his team on all-access Internet TV: FridgeTV.com. It lets you into the pregame and halftime locker room speeches Friedgen makes, including the inspirational showstopper where he yells, "More gravy!"

We can be thankful for Gilbert Arenas choosing us. Even if we lost the coin flip.

We can be thankful for Eddie Jordan. His name gives Abe Pollin street cred when he attempts to unload all those leftover Jordan No. 23 jerseys.

We can be thankful I'm done.

Go eat.

[PCS]

Everybody Duck! Actually, as painfully truthful as some of that was, it was kind of entertaing and funny. How sad is that? :doh:

[TK]

PCS

:nana: