Confidence, Curiosity, and Humility

[Thinking Skins]

Confidence, Curiosity, and Humility

http://thoughtsparadigm.blogspot.com/2009/07/confidence-curiosity-and-humility.html

Right now, I’m in between my in depth research mode and my laid back relaxing mode and so I decided to spend this Sunday morning trying to put some order to some of my thoughts. I was in a conversation last week where I said that the most important thing I look for in a woman is confidence. Then later in that same conversation, I added a mixture of confidence and humility. Well, now that I’m thinking about it more, I don’t think I could accurately say what I’m looking for without also adding a bit of curiosity as well.

As I think about my personal character traits, these three things are the ones that seem to stand out the most. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the most confident guy in the world, and on the axis of confidence vs humility, I probably lean a bit more towards humility. As I type that though, I think about some who would probably disagree with me, particularly some who I’ve gotten into political discussions with or discussions where I’m passionate about the subject matter and my correctness in it (I remember a vehement discussion with some people where I had to convince them that .99999.... (a decimal and then an infinite number of 9’s) was the same as 1. I didn’t show much humility in that conversation because I don’t see that as an open question for debate (nor should it be). But in general (I think) I try not to be overly aggressive with my point of view, and try not to force it upon others.

I don’t think that many would disagree though that my personality is probably dominated by the curiosity element. Some people see this as a flaw of mine, like a tendancy I may have to play “devil’s advocate” or to ask “stupid” questions. A friend described my curiosity as that of a 7 year old kid who never learned when its not proper to say certain things. The funny thing about that comment is that I actually do censor myself, and I don’t even want to think of the consequences of what’d happen if people knew the original versions of some of the questions I have asked. I think my curiosity is the main thing that inspires my confidence, as I think asking a question is best way to generate conversation.

But my curiosity also works in combination with my humility to keep control of my confidence. Its pretty easy for me to hear a problem and think of a way to solve that problem. And if I stopped there, I’d probably have the personality of some of the characters I read about in comic books who are evil geniuses planning to take over the world, except for a small miscalculation, which winds up being their eternal flaw. The fact that I like to sit up and questions like “does this solve the problem”, “what other problems could arise from this solution”, “are there other solutions”, etc. makes me more willing to listen to other opinions as well as more willing to continue thinking about these problems.

So I was in one of my perpetual discussions about why men don’t like smart women, and the first two elements (confidence and humility) are the initial two things that stood out to me. I love a confident woman, but I’ve also seen some of the negatives of too much confidence, which can be seen as egotistical or even snobby (cue the response that Black women who are confident are more likely to be seen as snobby anyway because we live in a patriarchal society). By balancing that with humility, I mean sometimes being willing to just sit and listen to your date’s problems without trying to tell him what he “needs” to do, or without “knowing” how to fix it. Many of the times, many of the things you’re saying he’s probably considered. Sometimes, we all just need somebody to sit and listen to our problems and understand that we’re going through some complicated problems (complicated at least for us). And when you diminish them to a one-line response, it kinda makes us feel even worse, like you don’t realize the complexity of our problems.

The third element is also important to me because it adds an artistic element to the relationship. Things can get boring after a while. The conversations begin to get repetitive; the places you go begin to follow a similar pattern; the tings you do, even the foods you eat. Like I said earlier, I’ve probably got the curiosity of a 7-year-old kid. There are so many things I’d like to do one day and so many things I’d like to learn about. But if I’m dating somebody who’s nonchalant about these things, then it kinda brings down my mood and my desire to even talk about doing new things. I’m not saying that you’d need to be interested in the EXACT same things as me, but just showing a level of interest and curiosity in something can’t hurt. And I doubt that you’re not curious about something so why not express it and see where it goes?

I just wanted to make one more point about the confidence thing. I mentioned earlier that too much confidence can make you seem egotistical or snobby. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea though. Like I said, I LOVE A CONFIDENT WOMAN. In fact I have a problem with many of the guys out there right now making women afraid of being confident. If you’re going for a Ph.D., an M.D., a masters, a bachelors, whatever you’re going after be happy about it. If you know a lot about politics or music, or whatever your area is, then don’t be afraid of that. By no means do I mean to help contribute to women being less confident. That’s the number one feature I look for in a woman. I just think these other two are important as well.

That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed.

[Teller]

Wow. And I thought women were the ones who make things more difficult than they need to be.

[Thinking Skins]

Wow. And I thought women were the ones who make things more difficult than they need to be.

hey, it used to be about one thing, but when that got too easy, I had to find a way to make it more complicated.

[Teller]

hey, it used to be about one thing, but when that got too easy, I had to find a way to make it more complicated.

You succeeded. Very few people on this board have written something entirely original (especially about something so...in reality....simple) and baffled me. *coughsmallerparagraphscough*

Here's what I think in a drastically simplified version:

There are a few things I'm looking for, as I start to consider dating for the first time since my divorce a year-and-a-half ago....

First, she has to be able to keep my interest. I'm an adult-ADD ridden mother ****er, and if you're going to be Miss Same **** Every Night, you're going to lose me.

I think this is along the lines of your statements about curiosity. If she's not willing to venture out of her comfort zone, try new things, and grow as a person, I won't be interested long.

Second, gotta have that chemistry. It's either there or it's not. I've been in relationships where I faked it, or thought I could 'learn' to have it, but I can't. If my heart doesn't skip several beats the first time I see you (and once per viewing after that) it ain't worth tryin.

Third, and this is HUGE. She has to be able to say "I'm sorry." (And not the typical "woman apology." You know, the one that goes, "I'm sorry, but I only did X because you did Y.") A sincere ability to recognize when she is wrong, and say so, will be key to any future relationship I have.

Fourth, she's got to be strong. I've always said my best friends are the people who can look me in the eye and say, "Jason, you're being an *******." If I am, tell me.

But strength goes way beyond her dealings with me. I need to know that I'm there because she WANTS me there. Not because she NEEDS me there. If she's independent, her love is a gift. If she's not, it's a tool.

And finally, she has to be patient. I'm a very, very flawed human being, but I have a great heart. She's got to allow me the chance to change the things that will make our life better. (And be able to do that with a gentle nudge, not a cement block to the face.)

*

One thing I want to add....I expect all of the above from myself too. Just like I don't ask my employees at work to do anything I won't do, you owe a life partner that in 10-fold. If you expect more than you give *coughmy****ingexwifecough* you WILL fail.

[Thinking Skins]

Man, you know what, you just said that and I realize I can add about 20 things to this list - talk about complicating things. I think patience is a real virtue. I was trying to capture that with the humility, but its not the same. Then I was just thinking about other things. A sense of humor is so important. Ya know, I thought I could make this simple with a few (albeit long) paragraphs, but its just getting more and more complex.

Oh, and as far as the attraction thing, thats so freakin variable. I've turned down ladies who would make Janet Jackson look like Wanda from In Living Color because they were just too stupid for me. Sometimes I regret doing this and my friends make sure to call me gay for looking at a woman's brain over her body, but I don't know, looks are important to me, but I'm so attracted to so many different things as far as looks that its hard to just say "this is what I like".

[Teller]

Man, you know what, you just said that and I realize I can add about 20 things to this list - talk about complicating things. I think patience is a real virtue. I was trying to capture that with the humility, but its not the same.

Not quite. I think humility makes it easier for us to deal with them. Patience makes it easier for them to deal with us. lol

Then I was just thinking about other things. A sense of humor is so important. Ya know, I thought I could make this simple with a few (albeit long) paragraphs, but its just getting more and more complex.

Good call. A sense of humor is critical. Absolutely critical.

Oh, and as far as the attraction thing, thats so freakin variable. I've turned down ladies who would make Janet Jackson look like Wanda from In Living Color because they were just too stupid for me. Sometimes I regret doing this and my friends make sure to call me gay for looking at a woman's brain over her body, but I don't know, looks are important to me, but I'm so attracted to so many different things as far as looks that its hard to just say "this is what I like".

Who cares what anybody else thinks? I mean sure, you have to respect the opinions of your closest friends, but ultimately, it's your choice. And it has to be if youre going to be happy.

I dated a girl in high school who I thought was absolutely disgustingly gorgeous. I still think she is. My friends all laughed because she had this bump in the middle of her nose. I thought it made her prettier. They called it a "ski slope."

Anyway, I think physically, a lot of times, a minor "flaw" makes a girl MORE attractive. Kinda like when we used to go chop our own Christmas tree as kids. Dad would always pick one that was perfect. Mom always said, "No, if it looks too perfect, it doesn't look real."

Yeah, women are a lot like that.

To top it off, Ski Slope had the most amazing personality. She really was the total package. I started working with her shortly after my ex-wife and I started dating. And wow. That was tough. I'm a faithful guy, I'd never cheat, but temptation is a mother ****er.

Ski Slope and I would still be together if I wasn't an idiot. I got a crappy report card, and mom grounded me for NINE FRIGGIN WEEKS!!!! No car, no phone, no nothing. Calling her and telling her it was over remains one of the hardest things I ever had to do.