Esquire: What I've Learned

[Spaceman Spiff]

I never buy Esquire magazine, but whenever I see it on the stand at the store I always pick it up and look at the "What I've Learned" section. Always good for a laugh. Some of my favorites:

Conrad Dobler (Dirtiest NFL Player Ever): http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/ESQ1100-NOV_WIL

Some people get vasectomies. I used to give 'em.

Intimidation is a part of life. If it wasn't, the government wouldn't exist.

I was raised Catholic in a small town. I guess I believe in a supreme being. But if there is a supreme being, he'll judge you on whether you were a good person or a bad person, not on how many times you went to church. If there's compassion in your heart, there's a place for you in heaven.

When guys come over to date my daughter, I'm going to tell them, "I want you to go out and have a very good time with my daughter. I want you to enjoy yourself and have her home on time. If you abuse her in any way, I'm going to kill your mother and father, cut your back open, pull out your spine, and leave you in a wheelchair so you can think about what you did for the rest of your life. Now, go out and have a good time!"

George Carlin: http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/ESQ0102-JAN_CARLIN

I stopped voting when I stopped taking drugs. I believe both of those acts are closely related to delusional behavior.

Robert DeNiro: http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/ESQ0103-JAN_DENIRO

What's the difference between sex and love? Hmm. That's a good question. Hey, you interviewed Al Pacino. How'd he answer that?

If you don't go, you'll never know.

Ray Charles: http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/ESQ0803-AUG_WIL

Music is about the only thing left that people don't fight over.

I've always been the kind of person who, if there's anything that can kill me, I want to know something about it.

So, what have the people at the ES tailgate learned?

[Switchgear]

I learned that DeNiro and Pacino just might have some man lovin' going on. Not that there's anything wrong with that...