Offical Anti-France/French Thread

[Skins24]

Jokes -

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"As you know the French continue to resist the war in Iraq or even help us and now Bill Clinton has come out against the French. In fact today he said he has vowed not to French Kiss anybody." —Jay Leno

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

**

Aritcles -

http://www.brokennewz.com/worldnews/frenchgermanagain.asp

French PM: "It's Great to Be Collaborating with Germany Again!"

Paris - French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, in honor of France's agreement with Germany to undermine America's efforts in the War on Terror, took German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder on a tour of sites in the French capital city that were visited by another German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler, during his famous Victory Tour of 1940.

"It's so nice to be collaborating with the Germans again," said Chirac during a press conference at the Versailles Palace outside of Paris. "I mean, it's not like there was any real resistance movement when Germany ruled us during World War II. And those black leather coats the Gestapo men wore. Simply to die for."

Most French citizens this reporter spoke with expressed their delight at being able to collaborate once again with the Germans. A recent poll conducted by the newspaper Le Figaro showed that 95.6% of all French people are hoping to be re-occupied by Germany within the next 12 months. The poll results also reveal that the vast majority of French women are especially looking forward to becoming the mistresses of German officers so that they can have sado-masochistic sex in exchange for silk stockings and extra rations.

"Damn those Americans anyway," said Chirac during a visit with Schroeder to the Klaus Barbie L'Ecole Superieure du Behaviour Criminale. "Everthing was going along just fine in 1944 and what did they go and do? Land at Normandy. Just like the Yanks, always butting their noses into other people's business. Well, we aren't going to take it lying down any more. This time we're going to surrender to Germany before the Germans have a chance to invade."

**

Quotes -

The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.

- P.J.O'Rourke

(wow...)

The friendship of the French is like their wine, exquisite, but of short duration.

- German saying

France is a dog hole, and it no more merits the tread of a man's foot.

- William Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well

**

Travel Advisories -

U.S. TRAVEL ADVISORY: FRANCE

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.

France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connection France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays and: 197 saint's days, 37 National Liberation days, 16 Declaration of Republic days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won the War Single-Handed days, 18 Napoleon Called Back from Exile days and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World Isn't days. Other important holidays include National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12th), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1st) and National Guillotine Day (November 12th.)

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Remember that no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same. Thank you and good luck.

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Cartoons/Pictures -

Post them all here!

[redman]

A Frenchman was stranded on a desert island with a dog and a sheep. After about a month on the island, his hormones gets the best of him and he tries to get something erotic going with the sheep.

However, every time he makes a move, the dog chases him off.

He tries many times to have sex with the sheep, but the dog always interferes.

One day, a beautiful Italian woman washes up on the shore, her clothes torn off by the surf, her voluptuous breasts exposed.

The man brings her back to consciousness and she gazes up at him lustily and offers to do ANYTHING to repay his kindness. He tells her to wait right there and comes running back with the dog under one arm and the sheep under the other.

He looks at her and says, "will you hold this dog for about 20 minutes?"

[OrangeSkin]

President Bush and the french ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if Hussein is not stopped soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The french ambassador, although, did not understand. It seems there is no word for"bath" in french.

Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?

A: So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: What is the most useful piece of equipment in the French Army?

A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?

A: Because when a war breaks out, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Q:What do you call a French soldier coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?

A: A Mirage

[redman]

From Yahoo!'s Oddly Enough page:

What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?

Sun Feb 23,11:23 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? Listeners to a BBC Radio show were denied that knowledge after politically-correct producers edited out the entire joke, The Times reports.

But they did leave in an anti-British joke, spurring the red-faced presenter to pen a letter to listeners apologising for the unpatriotic slant of his show.

"I am sorry for the unmeant, unpatriotic insult to so many lovely, young British women," Ned Sherrin, presenter of Radio Four's Loose Ends wrote in a letter published in The Times.

The apology followed the following gag: "What do you call a pretty girl in London? A tourist."

Sherrin, 72, said the joke had Gallic origins. "They left in the French joke about British women and left out the attempt at Frog-bashing," he explained.

The French have become the butt of numerous jokes in recent days by U.S. media and British tabloids angered at President Jacques Chirac's insistence that further diplomacy precede any war against Iraq.

In Britain, the attack has been spearheaded by the right-leaning Sun, which has dubbed Chirac "Le Worm" and accused him of cowardice.

"I was amazed, annoyed and piqued," said Sherrin. "I'm sure they felt we'd upset the sensitivities of our gallant allies, the French, but why should we be sensitive about this in this day and age?"

And he circumvented his producers by cracking his gags to The Times.

Question: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? Answer: A salesman.

Question: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel? Answer: A start.

Question: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman? Answer: There are skidmarks before the hedgehog.

[Skins24]

[Brave]

Anyone catch the daily mid-day press conference at the White house yesterday? One of the questions to Rumsfeld was something to the effect of:

"Why aren't we willing to have talks with North Korea? After all, we're still speaking with France."

At this the entire room burst out laughing ... even Rumsfeld.

[fansince62]

Brave.....:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: