redman Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 Office of Homeland Security: Recommended Valentine's Day Precautions Cards A valentine is an ideal conduit for coded messages. A capital "C," for instance, denotes the crescent moon, a well-known symbol of Islam. If your Christian name begins with the letter "C" (examples: Caroline, Charles, Colin, Condi), do not accept valentines from anybody. If your name begins with one of the other 25 letters of the alphabet, you may accept valentines, provided you: * Do not accept a valentine from any registered foreign national. * Open the envelope outdoors, no closer than 20 feet from any other individual. Flowers A bouquet is an ideal conduit for toxins, some of which may occur naturally. It is strongly recommended that you accept no flowers at all, and that you report immediately the name of anyone offering you flowers to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Recognizing, however, that some will ignore this warning, we urge these individuals to spray their flowers with a quick-drying sealant, wrap them tightly in Saran Wrap, and place on a very high shelf. Chocolates Chocolates with filling (examples: coconut, nougat, truffle) are an ideal conduit for fissile material. Do not accept or give any. Solid chocolates are a safer alternative. Wash thoroughly before eating. Kissing Mouth saliva is an ideal conduit for smallpox, Ebola, and other highly contagious and deadly viruses. It is strongly recommended that prior to kissing anyone on the mouth or cheek, you seal your mouth with duct tape. Sexual intercourse Even in conditions of yellow alert, the Office of Homeland Security does not deem safe any sexual congress between unmarried individuals. During this orange alert emergency, the president has issued an executive order forbidding all Americans from proceeding beyond "second base." The Office of Homeland Security wishes all Americans a "terror-free" Valentine's Day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henry Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 I was just planning on giving my wife a roll of duct tape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Tater Posted February 14, 2003 Share Posted February 14, 2003 Originally posted by Henry I was just planning on giving my wife a roll of duct tape. Was she then going to give you the plastic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redman Posted February 14, 2003 Author Share Posted February 14, 2003 LOL, guys! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted February 15, 2003 Share Posted February 15, 2003 Originally posted by redman Even in conditions of yellow alert, the Office of Homeland Security does not deem safe any sexual congress between unmarried individuals. During this orange alert emergency, the president has issued an executive order forbidding all Americans from proceeding beyond "second base. Great! A sexual benefit for the married guys! Take that all you single hos (out there having all that fun). :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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