Spaceman Spiff Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=11&StoryID=2491&LayoutType=1 Posted: 4/19/2006 by: Juan Turlington Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their baby. That is some fan-****ing-tastic news. The baby is a girl and they named it Suri. This calls for a Tom Cruise crazy outburst. What will it be this time? How can he top his most recent episode; you know, when he joked about eating the placenta? He was actually baffled by the fact that people took his statement seriously. Tom Cruise needs to understand that he is Tom Cruise. He has been on a year-long crusade to prove that he is completely and utterly out of his mother****ing mind. If you’re going to act like a raving idiot all the time, people are going to assume you are serious when you start talking about munching on a placenta. I know you are just a misunderstood soul, Tom. These damn alien spirits keep making people say negative things about you. Dumb alien spirits. I can’t understand how people could be so very wrong about you. Take the following three options for example. Two of the options are facts about you, and one is a humorous “joke” delivered by you. Anyone could tell the difference. Couldn’t they? A. You seriously believe that negative emotions are alien ghosts. B. You want to eat a placenta. C. You named your daughter Suri. It's okay Maverick. So what if everyone thinks you are a ****ing lunatic? Big deal, you’re rich as hell and can do whatever you want, whenever you want. You have it made. I have more great news. Since you are so busy with Mission: Impossible 3 and a new baby, I have taken some time to narrow down your selection of godfather applicants for Suri. I was sure to consider your Scientologist belief system and honor your level of mental acuteness as well. No need to thank me, Tom. Just keep doing crazy things so Pat O’Brien can talk about you and leave the poor strippers alone. Applicant 5: “Alien”/Mr. Spock (tie) I can’t make a list of “Tom Cruise Scientologist Godfather Applicants” without including the alien that is referred to with the title “Alien.” I also need to throw Mr. Spock in there as well, because of his resounding popularity. While I love most geek-ass things, I never liked Star Trek too much. It always reminded me of a high-school play. Neither of these guys will actually get the gig, so **** it. These two ****s can fight it out for fifth position. This ultimately means that “Alien” would hold steady in the fifth slot. Star Trek sucks balls. Applicant 4: Mork He would definitely be able to entertain young Suri. That is because Robin Williams is considered hilarious to people who **** their pants and are yet to utilize fine motor skills. The major problem with the Mork selection is the fact that Suri will eventually gain intelligence as the years roll by. By the time she develops a third grade intellect, she will probably crack under the pressure of constant Robin Williams jokes. Punching, kicking, shaving, and gutting will occur. Mork is a ****ing terrible idea. On second thought, let’s open it up. “Alien” can actually creep down to fourth. Applicant 3: Alf Daddy eats placentas. Alf eats cats. That is about the only solid reason I can think of for Alf to be a good godfather candidate. That still puts him above Robin Williams and Mr. Spock on the list. The Alien’s freaky ass could slide down to third by mutilating Alf. The fact that he would not just be “Alien” anymore, but “Alien with Mr. Spock, Robin Williams, and Alf guts in his teeth,” awards him the cool points to finally land a spot at number 3. And yes, I probably could have found a normal picture of Alf, but this kid is just screaming to be seen. Applicant 2: E.T. An alien botanist would be an amazing godfather. He was so gentle and loving. He was also able to do that sweet-ass thing when he got drunk at home and Elliot felt the effects at school. That would be decent. **** godfather, E.T. would be the best friend ever. You could get wasted all the time and spare your body of any negative health effects. E.T.’s bloody liver would flop out of his sphincter after a couple weeks of partying with you. Then you could toss his ass in your bike basket and fly around town. E.T. would be the greatest friend ever. He would probably be better suited for the “Tom Cruise Scientology Super Friends List,” but he could be a damn good godfather as well. Alien needs to back the **** off. Applicant 1: Darth Vader “Suri… (heavy breathing) I am your godfather.” Damn it, Tom, do you really even need time to decide? It is her destiny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgiaredskin Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 :laugh: Pretty funny. Suri? A name I'd expect Angelina Jolie & Pitt to use, but well, it's Tom Cruise so no surprise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdowwe Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 I know Hollywood paints itself as out of the mainstream thinking, but com on. That kid is gonna go through life with the name Suri. I heard Katie let out a very slight cry during the birth, and Tom slapped her across the face for foresaking the Scientology correct way of birth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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