Week 8: What's Gonna Happen? lol

[TK]

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Week 8: What's Gonna Happen?

By Brian Tarcy

Date: Oct 23, 2003

Home of the Tuna Trophy

Brian Tarcy peers into the future once more, divining for us the outcome of this week's games. Looking deep into his crystal ball and concentrating with all his might, he sees... a fat guy.

When the Super Bowl winner is honored each year, they receive the Vince Lombardi Trophy. I’m not saying that the guy named after a rest area in New Jersey wasn’t a great coach, but I think Bill Parcells is even better.

Somehow, the Dallas Cowboys are 5-1.

And I think the trophy should be changed to his name so that Bill Parcells could win the Bill Parcells Trophy – to be known colloquially as The Tuna Trophy. A few years ago when Parcells retired to become a rodeo clown or TV analyst (or was that Jerry Glanville?), there was a move to elect him to the Football Hall of Fame. But some were rightfully afraid he would coach again so he never got in. The Hall of Fame, apparently, does not want someone who might still be active to be inducted because of the fine print in the rules of rodeo clowning.

But somehow, the Dallas Cowboys are 5-1.

As I’ve studied the rules of rodeo clowning I can’t find any specifics prohibiting a fat brilliant coach getting a NFL trophy named after him. So it’s possible.

Of course there’s a grand plan here. When Parcells wins his first “me trophy,” he can again retire to his main love of clown makeup and bucking bulls. And then when the football bug bites again, Cleveland may have finally had enough of, um, you know, all this.

Can you imagine Bill Parcells someday winning the Bill Parcells Trophy as head coach of the Cleveland Browns? More importantly, I wonder if Carmen Policy can.

BRONCOS AT RAVENS – The Denver Broncos, now knowing they have the “best uniforms” in the NFL (according to some brain-damaged poll), walk on the field as if they are sashaying across a model’s runway, proving that they are a finesse team. Ravens 14, Broncos 13.

LIONS AT BEARS – Lions at Bears, oh my! Lions at Bears, oh my! Lions at Bears, oh my gosh - who would watch this? Bears 25, Lions 21.

BROWNS AT PATRIOTS – I should be worried that Butch Davis plans to flip a coin before the game to decide on a quarterback, but Otis the hippie bass player assured me the coin will either come up heads or tails and as I am your guru, Otis is my guru. But when the coin lands on its side, Davis is forced to use Couch and Holcomb like Paul Brown used his send-in-the-play guards. Bill Belichick mumbles something in Chinese and a Boston sportswriter on ESPN claims this shows that Bill is a genius. The truth is that he was indeed smart to order the Moo Goo Gai Pan. Browns 30, Patriots 29.

BYE AT FALCONS – Vegas closed the books on this game because everyone is betting the Falcons will lose.

SEAHAWKS AT BENGALS – Corey Dillon takes a 2nd and 9 play out of bounds, over the wall, into the stands, up the tunnel, into and out of the stadium, to a grill where he begins flipping burgers to sell so he can afford a plane ticket to Dallas. Seahawks 21, Bengals 10.

TITANS AT JAGUARS – Byron Leftwich left school early only to be taken to school. Titans 32, Jaguars 10.

GIANTS AT VIKINGS – In the third quarter Randy Moss catches a 99-yard pass after spinning the ball on his nose like a seal while dancing through the secondary in a move that Howie Long later said reminded him of Rudolf Nureyev in the second act of Swan Lake. Vikings 26, Giants 20.

BYE AT PACKERS – Worried about bad luck at the renovated Lambeau Field, the Packers rip the $295 million upgrade apart and sell the scrap as ingredients for knockwurst.

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Some teams, like the Saints, have toggle switches – good/bad. Saints 19, Panthers 14.

RAMS AT STEELERS – Marc Bulger, a once obscure quarterback rising to stardom, looks to his sideline and he sees Kurt Warner, a once obscure quarterback who rose to stardom only to see his game fall apart. On the other sideline is Tommy Maddox, a once obscure quarterback who rose to stardom only to see his game fall apart. As he begins to freak out, he sees across from him only Steelers, so he knows his game won’t fall apart this week. Rams 36, Steelers 12.

COWBOYS AT BUCCANEERS – Keyshawn Johnson, tiring of Warren Sapp getting all the loudmouth jerk coverage in Tampa holds a press conference loudly reminding reporters, “I can be a jerk too, you know.” Cowboys 23, Buccaneers 20.

BYE AT RAIDERS – On Monday Tim Brown goes out for pizza but when he is one yard from the door to Dino’s Pizza’s, Dino locks the door so he can watch the Chiefs’ game.

49ERS AT CARDINALS – After scoring a touchdown, Terrell Owens tries to insult any great Cardinals tradition but he can’t find one. 49ers 21, Cardinals 12.

TEXANS AT COLTS – Everyone who is smart is picking the Colts. Texans 27, Colts 24.

JETS AT EAGLES – This game is sponsored by Prozac. Eagles 18, Jets 15.

BYE AT REDSKINS – Daniel Snyder fires himself, then clones himself and hires himself back only to find out that he pissed himself off so much he must fire himself. Fans beg him not to hire himself back. He fires the fans.

BILLS AT CHIEFS – Early in the season, you would have thought this could be a classic shootout with both of these teams scoring a million points. Now, it will just be the Chiefs. Chiefs 1,000,000, Bills 14.

DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS – Time for another classic Marty Schottenheimer second-half run. Time for Dave Wannstedt to polish his resume. Chargers 23, Dolphins 17.

If you want to know what is wrong with the Browns, watch the difference between a few specific Patriots and a few specific Browns.

For instance, watch Richard Seymour and Gerard Warren in Sunday’s game. If Seymour continues to play like Leon Lett and Warren continues to play like Gerard Warren, you might be tempted to ask why Richard Seymour was picked sixth by the Patriots while Gerard Warren was picked third by the Browns.

And I won’t even get into where Tim Couch and Tom Brady were picked in the draft.

This column is sponsored by the Iraqi word for quagmire.

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Brian Tarcy collaborated with Hap Klopp on The Adventure of Leadership; An Unorthodox Business Guide. The San Francisco Examiner said that Klopp “calls for vision, creativity, inspired leadership and the faith that anything, absolutely anything is possible.” Klopp is the founder of The North Face, maker of quality outdoor gear.