Domestic Violence: How to Help A Friend

[Thinking Skins]

http://www.khon2.com/news/local/15380506.html

Part 2 Domestic Violence: How to Help A Friend

By Tammy Mori

Sometimes a victim of domestic violence just needs one friend, one person to listen.

Jenny Hartsock was stabbed to death early this year.

Police say her husband was the one who did it.

-"When I heard the news I wasn't surprised," says Fran Kami, Jenny's Co-worker, at a previous interview on January 10th.

Her coworkers saw the physical signs of abuse in the past.

But Jenny died with her secret...like many other victim's of domestic abuse.

"It is so hard for a woman to say, my lover, my boyfriend..hit me. Threw me down, harmed me," says Cheryl Soon, a Friend of a Domestic Abuse Survivor.

Experts say it's hard for victims because they often still love the person who is doing it to them..and are waiting for them to change.

Others feel scared, hopeless or isolated and worry if they can survive, if their children can survive, should they choose to leave.

That's the most important time to be a friend.

"It's not a simple solution or a quick fix like you say to her- why don't you leave?" adds Nancy Kreidman, Executive Director of the Domestic Violence Action Center.

"The world shrinks, the important thing about a friend is that if they at all open up to you, give them that room to talk," says Soon.

And that's exactly what Soon did.

"You have to say- talk to me about that, tell me what you're feeling," describes Soon.

And even though Soon's friend wasn't ready to then, she knew who she could turn to.

"She clearly needed help, her situation was very dire. She was very very afraid of her husband. He had hurt her increasingly verbally, physically, and cutting off her world," says Soon.

Even though she knew she needed to leave, she went back to her husband many times.

National studies show women return to their perpetrators an average of seven times before they're ready to leave for good.

But experts say it's important to continue to believe them, support them and refer them.

And Soon made a commitment to be with her friend every step of the way.

When she was ready to leave, they came up with a plan.

"Leaving is always the most dangerous part, each hour of moving out of the house. What if he reached for the weapon, what was the back up plan," recalls Soon.

If Soon didn't hear from her friend every 3 hours, the plan was to call the police immediately.

"I kind of watched the clock and hoped for the call," explains Soon.

Her friend did make it out of the house safely, and to the airport..along with her 5 year old son.

She made it out, because someone believed in her.

Something that every victim needs.

"Somewhere there's also a yearning, to not be alone. But to tell somebody about this and hopefully somebody who can say- I love you, you don't deserve this," says Soon.