Jagsbch Posted February 19, 2003 Share Posted February 19, 2003 bluemojo Member Posts: 156 Joined: Dec 2002 Monday February 17, 2003 12:56 PM The Complete Military History of France - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." -Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. -The Dutch War - Tied -War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. -War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. -World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?" --------NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-------- "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage." the quote has been attributed to ross perot, i'm not sure if he said it or not NYG MB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted February 19, 2003 Share Posted February 19, 2003 Nice post, Jags. Of course, you could have read the exact same thing 5 or 6 days ago courtesy of redman. http://extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=21881 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyDave Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 D@mn they are the Bengals Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brave Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 At least the Bengals made it to two Super Bowls ... and didn't get blown out in either one. Not sure France can say the same. They have trouble even with the little wars. :laugh: I must say, all the recent France-bashing sure is fun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gbear Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 "Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. " I guess that depends on how one views the Romans. They beat up on some governments more than once. Of course, some of them were in the area to become France. Maybe it's the water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golgo-13 Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 A post titled "France's military history" is along the same lines of a post titlled "Britian's culinary history." Some things some people just don't do well. Fighting is that thing for France. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.