skinsterp Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 For my final sales pitch: I'll tell ya with honesty in my heart, these suckers will keep yer balloon knot squeaky clean. Amusing, but I prefer the term 'leather cheerio'. :thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaudry Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33434 You probably won't believe me when I tell you that new Cushy™-brand bathroom tissue is the softest, most absorbent bathroom tissue you'll ever try. Heck, I was skeptical at first, too! Even after learning about Cushy's™ specially quilted "Moistu-Weave" inlay, I still thought, "Come on! How much better could one bathroom tissue be than another?" But once you've felt for yourself the heavenly sensation of a folded-up wad of Cushy™ sliding across your excrement-smeared anus, you're sure to agree: Cushy™ is the most luxurious tissue you'll ever wipe your ass with! Wow! When it comes to getting your rectal opening clean as a whistle, removing every last trace of stinking, disgusting fecal matter from the puckered surface of the human anus, Cushy™ just can't be beat! Its patented, three-ply "Feces-Grabbing Action" has been specially designed by scientists to wipe away 30 percent more human dung from the anal region than the leading brand–even in those problem "hairy" areas where tiny balls of **** can get trapped for days! When it comes to making sure my *******'s been wiped right, I trust Cushy™. As the commercial says, "With Cushy™, I Know My Ass Is Clean!®" And Cushy™ is more than just the most absorbent product ever designed, manufactured, and marketed for the purpose of wiping human waste from the rectal region; it's also the softest. I can't believe how good it feels pressed up against my *******! Sure, I thought the leading brand was good, but after trying Cushy™, I could scarcely believe the difference! Compared to the sumptuous comfort of Cushy™, the leading brand feels like a portable electric belt-sander grinding my ass down to a chafed and bloody pulp! Wiping with Cushy™, on the other hand, feels as if the defecation residue between my legs is being spirited away on the back of a pillowy-soft cartoon cloud! It's enough to make a person open up a window and shout to the world, "****, I Love This Ass-Paper!®" Cushy™ goes the extra mile to make sure my anus feels pampered like a dainty princess. That's because Cushy™'s not just about getting your ass free of **** particles. It's about treating your entire backside to a feeling of cushiony goodness. It's what the good folks at Global Tetrahedron Forestries, manufacturers of Cushy™, like to call "T.A.C."–Total ******* Comfort.™ Doesn't your ******* deserve a little T.A.C.? Your anal region, from your ass cheeks to your dilated sphincter to the interior of your anal column itself, works hard for you each day. Isn't it time you gave a little something back? With Cushy™, my ******* feels as if it's being gently wafted skyward on a freshly scented summer breeze! Try getting that level of comfort from those bargain brands! Do the other brands offer patented three-ply quilted comfort? Are they lightly perfumed and softened with soothing aloe-based moisturizing lotions? Do they offer Cushy™'s exclusive "Complete ******* Guarantee®"? Of course not. Whether you've got a thin, runny liquid, a huge, bulky chunk, or even one of those hard-to-wipe, viscous-sludge-type defecations, Cushy™ not only has the absorbency needed to wipe your ass completely free of sticky, after-**** smears and stains; it's gentle enough to make your puckered butthole feel like the King of Siam, reclining on a mound of the finest silk pillows in all of Asia. Sure, Cushy™ costs a bit more than less ass-pampering brands, but my ass is worth it! Cushy™ is so soft, sometimes I want to take a **** even when I don't have to! Once you've seen for yourself how wonderful, how majestic, how truly awe-inspiring this new bathroom tissue is, you'll know why people say, "Cushy™... You're Gonna **** Your Pants!©" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaudry Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 This reminds me of something a wise man once said. "It may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy mother****er." Your wetnaps may clean your ass like none other, but I will never know because it's just wrong because I am not going to use wetnaps on my ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufumonk Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 I started using these a few months ago at work when they decided to start penny pinching on the TP and buying "recycled" TP. I didn't last 2 days using that bark filled sand paper they tried to pass off as toilet paper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
project myu Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 A bear and a rabbit were crapping in the woods. The bear said to the rabbit, "Does having crap all over your fur bother you?" The rabbit replied, "No, not really." So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted April 26, 2007 Author Share Posted April 26, 2007 Your wetnaps may clean your ass like none other, but I will never know because it's just wrong because I am not going to use wetnaps on my ass. If its wrong, I'll never be right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 Sorry about the bump, but I just wanted to throw in that these were mentioned on the radio this morning and that they were talking about how once you start using them you never go back...I must admit there is a lot of truth to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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