http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/how-to-cook-a-****ing-steak
How To Cook A ****ing Steak by Alex Balk
Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you ****. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a ****, just get a ****ing steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the **** on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that ****er will go. Take a ****load of salt—rocksalt, you dumb mother****er, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all ****—it should scorch the **** out of your finger if you’re stupid enough to touch it—put the ****ing steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don’t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND ****ING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you ****ing need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that **** over and do the same ****ing thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your mother****ing steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you’re done, sling that **** on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some ****ing potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a ****ing steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the **** out of you.
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