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The return of THE Friday Football Fanatic


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Hey this guy in my offcie sends out this e-mail every Friday with his football picks. I thought a few members might enjoy reading it. Here ya go:

Can it be? Finally? Is it me or was this the longest offseason in the history of recorded time? Sorry about last week guys. I was on holiday and away from a computer. But now it's time to kick a$$ and take names. I'm feelin' it this year. Now from the infamous cornfield in Hanover County, THE Friday Football Fanatic gives his stellar gambling advice, thoughtful insight and frankly name out of a hat ol' fashioned guesses to this weekend's slate of games. Giddy Up!

Chicago at Green Bay (-8.5): Is there any stopping this Brett Favre guy? Not this week. Speaking of QB's, I am not sold on this Rex Grossman kid at all. How can you be the Monsters of the Midway when your head coach's name is Lovie? Pick: Packers.

Indianapolis at Tennessee (-1): I'm assuming at some point the schedule will get easier for the Colts but good gracious the Super Bowl Champs early and then at Tennessee. Seriously with every passing year doesn't Jeff Fisher look more and more like a backwoods moonshine swillin' local? Pick: Colts.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-3.5): Have you ever seen a running back have more touchdowns than yards? That's what Jerome Bettis did last week. 5 carries, 1 yard, 3 touchdowns. Weird. If I'm Duce Staley I'm getting a little chapped about that before too long. By the way if you're a Ravens fan you can't be happy about a bald fayg that looks like Uncle Fester lighting it up on your D opening weekend. That doesn't bode well. That's bad boding for those keeping score at home. But I still think they'll win. Pick: Ravens.

St. Louis at Atlanta (-2.5): First of all I want to say Thank you Michael Vick for lining my pockets last weekend. I knew the Falcons wouldn't cover. I just knew it. How well will Michael “or is it Mike?” Vick do in his new West Coast offense, which emphasizes short to intermediate passes when he has been a throw long or run first quarterback his whole life? Not well, I’d say. Has anyone in the history of the league ever been more overrated? (OK I’ll give you Shockey, Bosworth, Mandarich) Well Vick is an intelligent, articulate gentleman. I’m sure he’ll pick up this new offense quickly. Heh heh heh. Pick: Rams.

Washington (-3) at New York Giants: The Giants are flat out terrible. They have lost 9 games in a row. I heard that SS Commandant Coughlin fined players because they didn't show up early enough for meetings the prior week. They showed up before the meeting started but were still fined for not showing up early enough. Do you think you want to win for a guy like that? Methinks not. Kurt Warner is a grey stubbled fossil. Eli Manning is a baby and a crybaby. And every seasoned Redskins fan knows to fear them. You just don't waltz into Giants Stadium in the swamps of Jersey and take anything from the G-Men. You gotta earn it. I say they can. Pick: Redskins.

Carolina at Kansas City (-6): Dear Carolina Panthers: I hope you boys got a good look around the Super Bowl last time 'cause I don't think you're going back. Everybody sees you coming this year. The schedule is harder. There will be more unannounced pee tests for your defensive line. And now your emerging star Steve Smith has a broken leg. In 2003, the Panthers won 4 overtime games on the road and orchestrated seven come-from-behind victories. Do you think that’s gonna happen again? They also prevailed in three of the luckiest games of the season -- the fourth-and-10 to beat the Jags, the blocked extra point to beat the Bucs, and Jim Haslett's meltdown in New Orleans. They were three plays away from being 8-8. The Bears had one of those types of seasons in 2001 when they went 13-3, only to fall to 4-12 the next season. Party's over guys. Ever hear of the Super Bowl hangover? I say the days of Saints/Panthers games attended by 10,000 fans is right around the corner again. Signed, Everybody in the league. Pick: Chefs.

Seattle (-3) at Tampa Bay: Attention all roto geeks! You want Matt Hasselbeck on your fantasy team but not your real team. Until further notice you have been advised that Matt Hasselbeck can not lead a team to a playoff win. If this changes you will be notified. Thank you. Pick: Seahawks.

Buffalo at Oakland (-3.5): By a show of hands, who here thinks Norv Turner will end the year as the head coach of the Oakland Raiders. That's what I thought. Pick: Bills.

Cleveland at Dallas (-4.5): I just don't know what to do with myself now that I don't have Chad Hutchinson and Quincy Carter's QB play to mock any longer. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied knowing this about the Cowpies current 3 quarterbacks:

1. is older than you are 2. has never taken one snap of professional football 3. last name rhymes with homo.

A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explains that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her "Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you." Pick: Browns.

New York Jets (-3) at San Diego: Who slipped the speed in Curtis Martin's prune juice? He busted out last week for 196 yards. Crazy. Seriously who wants to see Drew Brees play with Flutie and young Phillip Rivers on the bench? The Chargers are undefeated for the first time in a long time. And they have Ladanian Tomlinson who (by the way - this just in) is awesome. They're playing at home. Marty looks like a fun loving, life of the party guy compared to Commandant Coughlin of the Third Reich. I say the Chargers cover. Pick: Chargers.

Miami at Cincinnati (-4.5): The offseason is kinda long but I want to make sure no one forgets this huge SNAFU in Southern Florida. Dan Marino did something this offseason that he had never done in all his years with the team. He embarrassed the Dolphins. He accepted, then promptly quit as the club's new executive vice president overseeing football operations. Actually he quit before he ever started. Simply put, that little incident made the Dolphins and Marino look foolish, lost, adrift. It set the stage for what we're now calling the Ricky Williams fiasco. If I'm on Wannstadt's staff I'm eying the head coach's parking space, and I mean by November. How far have the Dolphins fallen when they aren't favored against the perennial juggernaut Bengals? Ouch. They aren't that bad, are they? Pick: Dolphins.

Minnesota at Philadelphia (-3.5): Man does our dope-smoking-use-a-cop-as-a-hood-ornament friend like to shine vs. the Cowgirls. Damn those Iggles. They looked strong last weekend but the Vikings offense looks as potent as Peter North. I'm officially conflicted on this one. Is this a preview of the NFC Championship game? No it's not, because Philly actually wins this game. Pick: Iggles.

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