Parody of Draft Analysis: "The Definitive Guide to Dallas Cowboys’..."

[rv581]

From www.laststory.com

“The Definitive Guide to Dallas Cowboys’ First and Second Pick in the Draft”

Ah! The great mysteries of our time! Is there life after death? Why do bad things happen to good people? Who would win a game of Trivial Pursuit between Keanu Reeves, Anna Nicole Smith, and David Arquette? Which contains more plastic—Britney Spears’ chest or Mel Kiper’s hair? Included among these modern riddles is another question of cataclysmic proportion: Which player will Jerry Jones draft with his first and second pick in 2003?

“Why did you evaluate the Dallas Cowboys? What about my favorite team? Why not a team that doesn’t suck?” you may ask. Well, there are several reasons why we decided to analyze the Cowboys. First of all, Dallas has a top-five pick. Second of all, despite successive sub-par seasons, the Cowboys remain the most loved—and the most hated—team in the NFL. But really, this isn’t about the Cowboys. It’s to demonstrate how idiotic so much of this pre-draft analysis really is… and how statistics can be used to argue almost anything. Allow us to elaborate, as we use science and statistics to definitively prove which players the Cowboys will select:

Fact: Since 1986, the first player selected by the Cowboys has never come from a Northern school. We can thus eliminate any Northern players with Dallas’ first round pick, such as Penn State’s Jimmy Kennedy and Larry Johnson.

Fact: In nine of the past ten drafts, the first player taken by Dallas had a two-syllable last name. We can thus eliminate Dewayne Robertson, Terrell Suggs, and Jordan Gross.

Fact: Since 1996, only twice has the first player selected by the Cowboys played on offense. We can thus deduce that there’s a 71% probability that the Cowboys will select a defensive player.

Fact: It’s been over 20 years since Dallas selected an Offensive Lineman in the first round (Howard Richards, 1981). We can thus eliminate Eric Steinbach and Kwame Harris.

Fact: Since 1994, only one Linebacker (Randall Godfrey, 1996) was selected in the first or second round. We can thus eliminate Boss Bailey or E.J. Henderson.

Fact: In six of the last seven drafts, a trade by Jerry Jones has altered Dallas’ first round draft position. There’s thus an 85.7% probability that the Cowboys will make a trade in the first round.

Fact: Out of the last 34 players selected, only four of them had a first name that began with a vowel (Ebenezer Ekuban, Orantes Grant, Andre Gurode, Antonio Bryant). We can thus eliminate Andre Johnson and Andre Woolfolk, for there’s an 89% probability they won’t be selected.

Fact: Dallas hasn’t selected a Caucasian in the first three rounds since 1997 (David LaFleur). We can thus eliminate Carson Palmer or Kyle Boller.

Fact: Dallas hasn’t selected a player from the University of Miami, UCLA, the University of Florida, or the University of Nebraska since 1994. We can thus eliminate Rex Grossman, William Joseph, Willis McGahee, Chris Kelsay, Jerome McDougal, or Taylor Jacobs.

Fact: In the past five drafts, the Cowboys have drafted an offensive player in the second round. We can thus deduce that they will look at upgrading their offense in the second round.

Fact: The past four Dallas Cowboy players taken in the second round have first names that end in either a vowel or a Y.

Fact: The past three years, the second player selected by the Dallas Cowboys had a two-syllable last name.

Fact: Five of the past six players taken in either the second round come from colleges whose name ends in a vowel.

Fact: In four of the past five drafts, Dallas has selected a player with the same last name as a former U.S. President (Quincy Carter, Orantes Grant, Flozell Adams, Deveren Johnson)—but never in the first round. We can thus deduce that a player whose last name coincides with a former U.S. President is a possibility after the first round.

Fact: In six of the past seven years, Dallas has selected either a Defensive Tackle or a Defensive Back with one of its first two draft choices. We can thus deduce that Jones prefers to address these positions early in the draft.

Fact: Since 1985, Dallas has drafted at least one player whose first name begins with either a T or a K in each draft. We can thus deduce that a player with a T or a K in his name is a likely selection.

Fact: Dallas has drafted roughly 40 Defensive Backs and Defensive Linemen since 1992. And the last five defensive players chosen by the Cowboys in the first round played either on the Defensive Line or at Cornerback. We can therefore deduce that…

…Dallas will trade either up or down and draft a non-Caucasian defensive player from a non-Northern school with its first pick, choosing either a Defensive End or a Defensive Back with a two-syllable last name and a first name that begins with a consonant letter—most likely a T or a K. This of course, means Terrence Newman, CB from Kansas State. Kevin Williams, DE/DT from Oklahoma State is another possibility. Byron Leftwich, QB from West Virginia also meets the qualifications, sans his position and the fact that his first name begins with a B.

In the second round, Dallas will select Kelley Washington, WR from Tennessee, a non-Caucasian offensive player whose two-syllable first name starts with a K and ends in a Y, is from a state that ends in a vowel, and has the last name of a former President.

There! Wasn’t that easy? And if anyone out there has any cognitive dissonance with this carefully calculated outcome, don’t blame me. Blame science. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves…

[Skeletor The Invincible]

haha

I think they got the first rounder right, but not too sure about Washington.

[RabidFan]

Good stuff though I doubt Kelley W will be available at dallas's second round pick....most mocks have him going to the Jets in round one......but stranger things have happened.

[rv581]

Originally posted by RabidFan

Good stuff though I doubt Kelley W will be available at dallas's second round pick....most mocks have him going to the Jets in round one......but stranger things have happened.

I think Washington will be gone too. He'd be a good fit with the Jets. But still, if the draft DOES turn out this way, we'll have to spend next year's draft counting sylables! :laugh: