Redskins Bring New Meaning To Flag Day

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http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A1913-2003Sep25.html

By Tony Kornheiser

Friday, September 26, 2003; Page D01

News Item: The Redskins are using real, live referees at practice. Steve Spurrier has brought in college officials who live in the Washington area to call penalties. Spurrier plans to have refs working Redskins practices for the next few weeks. Let's listen in:

"Gentlemen, meet our zebras.

They're here because we've committed 35 penalties in our first three games. So, obviously we need remedial help. The NFL record for penalties is 156. We're on pace for 187! We're looking at so many flags we might have to hire Betsy Ross as a line coach. If I'd wanted to coach flag football, I'd never have left the frat quad in Gainesville.

"Penalties have already cost us 276 yards. Two-hundred seventy-six yards is nothing to sneeze at. I understand from Norv Turner that was Michael Westbrook's entire career!

"Gentlemen, we can't have this.

"We can't have touchdowns negated by holding penalties. It's too hard to score a touchdown. Or don't you remember last season? We can't give away points like that. We added speed this year, but not enough speed to outrun these yellow flags. I'm seeing yellow in my sleep. That'd be fine if I was Frank Perdue.

"Of our 35 penalties, 16 have been committed by the offensive line. Nine of them have come on false starts. What's with all the false starts? You guys think you're Jon Drummond?

"Eight penalties have been called on Chris Samuels and Jon Jansen. Hey, you guys are Pro Bowl players. You know what they call Pro Bowlers who commit eight penalties in three games?

"Ty-D-Bowlers. The next sound you hear could be our season being flushed.

"Gentlemen, let's not make this harder than it has to be. All we are asking is that you remain still until the proper snap count. If the snap count is, say, 'two,' we're asking that you remain still until you hear 'two.' Truthfully, how tough is that? Did you have to go to Harvard to count to two?

"We're not asking you to recite Marc Antony's eulogy of Julius Caesar. We're not asking you to memorize the Periodic Table. We're not asking you to name the capitals of all 50 states. We're asking you to wait for 'two' before jumping. Sometimes 'one.'

"There is some belief out there that by calling audibles in Patrick Ramsey's helmet until there are only 15 seconds are left on the play clock that I have put too much stress on the offensive line -- that the linemen don't have enough time to fully comprehend the play, so they are jumpy and prone to false starts. Hmmm.

"Here's what I would say in rebuttal to that: We have hired you linemen because you are the size of mastodons, not because you're introspective brooders tortured by angst, like characters in some Newfoundland herring fishing novel. And in the main, we ask you to do one of three things:

"1. Hit the fat lummox directly in front of you on 'two.' Or:

"2. Hit the fat lummox to the left side of you on 'two.' Or:

"3. Hit the fat lummox to the right side of you on 'two.'

"Defensive linemen more or less stand around like bowling pins. Really, how much difference does it make if I call an audible, and instead of 25 seconds to figure out which lummox to hit, you have 15 seconds? It still hinges on hitting someone on 'TWO!'

"My audibles aren't the problem. Your premature movement is the problem.

"So just stay there until 'two,' okay?

"When I was in Florida we used to do a funny thing to players who consistently drew penalties. We carried them down to the pond on campus where they had live alligators, and we tossed them in, hahaha. Those fellas snapped to after that. But Mr. Snyder says I can't do that here. He doesn't have any alligators -- only a big generator. So I have to find some way of making you realize that 276 yards of penalties is way too many.

"That's why I brought in the zebras. When we go hard in practice, it'll be called just like a game. And if you hold in practice or jump offsides in practice or false start in practice, you'll be watching the game from the bench. Or maybe from Heath Shuler's house.

"Gentlemen, I am not asking you to be perfect. There are certain penalties I can accept. If you're beaten deep -- like my Gators used to do regularly to the DBs at Free Shoes University -- well, okay, you take a penalty. Or if you're just plain mean, and you want to pop somebody for the thrill of it, to sort of mark your territory early in a game, I can accept that, too. But not on third down and 1,000 yards to go right before halftime, Mr. Trotter.

"Offsides is not acceptable. Neither is a false start. How can you false start when you know the snap count? Did you forget it in the four seconds it takes to break the huddle and go to the line? Do we need to serve ginko biloba at the pregame meal?

"And we certainly can't take any more taunting penalties, Mr. McCants, if you know what I'm saying. What possessed you to throw the football at an opponent? That's an automatic 15. You don't think that's taunting? You may as well have taken the football, stuck it down your pants, then pulled it out and waved it in his face. Isn't it enough to score a touchdown? Does it have to be followed by some egocentric gesture of bravado? The way some of you guys flex after making a catch or tackling someone, I wonder are we playing football or posing for Mr. Universe?

"Gentlemen, we're 2-1. We could easily be 3-0. And we have yet to play two good halves in a row. We could actually be a fine football team. But penalties are killing us. I brought the refs in to make sure we understand the rules and play within them. I've had to learn how to coach in the NFL. You have to remember how to play in it."

© 2003 The Washington Post Company