Uncle Tonto

[WVUforREDSKINS]

Uncle Tonto had a tough life; intercourse with a pelican is not an easy thing to live down. He drank excessively. One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date. At parties, he was the designated drinker, his preference being creme de menthe, Sterno and goat droppings. When stopped and tested by police, he usually set the breathalyzer on fire. Refusing to drive when he was sober, in the mornings he rode to work on an electric floor buffer, claiming the one drawback was the time he wasted traveling from side to side. He was sentenced to ten years for defacating in a cathedral, but was released immeditately when the warden felt Tonto was lowering the prison's standards. After his release, he hitchhiked through Pennslyvania where he was beaten to death by a buggyload of Quakers.