Hard Knocks - The Parcells Episode Part II

[Reaganaut]

(Scene: Jerry Jones' airplane on the tarmac at Newark Airport with Bill Parcells and his agent.)

Jerry: Bill, I'm bringing in Denny Green to interview for the head coaching position.

Bill: I understand. I'm mum on the whole deal. Jimmy will handle my end of this.

Jimmy: Right. Jerry, we are still waiting on the contract we sent over to your counsel. Are there any issues we need to discuss right now that the lawyers are out of the room?

Jerry: Only what kind of champagne we are going to uncork when we win the Superbowl. I'm not too keen on the Crystal you put in the contract Bill, I'm a Dom Perignon man myself.

Jimmy: We'll back off if you back off on the Cohibas in favor of Montecristos.

Jerry: You drive a hard bargain Mr. Sexton. Bill, now I see why you hired the best.

Bill: Well, we have a saying in New York, "We're glad you see it our way Mr. Jones."

Jerry: Jimmy, how do you think we should handle this from the standpoint of the Cowboys PR office?

Jimmy: Stick to the general interest spin in Bill. Dave's been a real trooper from what Bill tells me and we should make sure every effort is made to save face for him.

Jerry: We've got that covered. Any other issues?

Jimmy: Is Norv Turner an issue?

Jerry: Only if you are a Washington Redskins fan. You know we were only LETTING them win games because we liked Norv. When that pint sized puke fired Norv and embarassed him they sealed their own fate.

Bill: Pint sized puke? Jerry, I thought he was your protege or something from the way he kisses your a**.

Jerry: He kisses everyone's a**. Deion Sanders left him with the bluest set of balls in the history of the NFL and Snyder still moons over him like he's the prom queen. I honestly don't know how this man has done anything at all in the business world. He's the most naive owner in the NFL.

Jimmy: I told Bill to take Snyder's 20 million dollar offer and piss the guy off so bad he'd bail on the contract. I wasn' t worried about my reputation. People are lining up now to have a crack at that man's sphincter. It probably won't last, but it'll be fun for a few years.

Jerry: Glad to hear Bill didn't listen to you on that Snyder deal or I'd be wearing snow boots about right now.

Bill: Jerry, I didn't know you had poor circulation in those feet. I wouldn't take your money and run. I might run from the job, but not with anyone's money.

Jerry: To be very candid, you're reputation on agreements with teams has me nervous. In Texas we have an expression about making sure the bride's really in the bathroom on honeymoon night.

Bill: When the contract is done, we're done. I give you my word. We have to let the lawyers work on this and if they can do it we have a deal.

Jimmy: Sorry about this Jerry. We're not taking you on a ride here, Bill is different than any other coach on the market other than if John Madden decided to put on the headset again.

Jerry: I wonder how much little Danny offered him before he called you.

Bill: I wouldn't be surprised one bit if Pepper Rogers had Madden's number on speed dial. PT Barnum looks like f**king Nostradamus in Snyder's case.

Jimmy: I think he's starting to wise up now.

Bill: Right, and who's in line for the gangbang after Stever Spurrier's through?

Jimmy: It was a solid hire Bill. You're gonna pay up through the a** when I win that bet.

Bill: The man's lost Jimmy. Utterly f**king lost. You can see it in his eyes. He's damaged goods and doesn't even try to hide it anymore.

Jerry: Bill, I'm with Jimmy on this one. Remember the coach who got me those three Superbowls.

Bill: So, you lookin for a little action on Spurrier too Jerry?

Jerry: Well, a gentleman never backs away from a challenge, what are you wagering?

Bill: How about our planes? Mine was owned by the Giants a few years ago.

Jerry: I was going to give this one to Avazanno, but why not?

Jimmy: Bill, I've seen your piece of s**t airplane. Jerry, you'd be better off flying on Payne Stewart's plane.

Jerry: I'm going to paint that sucker blue and silver and auction it off. How 'bout them apples?

Bill: You da man Jerry.

Jerry: No, YOU da man Bill.

[Reaganaut]

I will try and incorporate plot suggestions into the third and final Parcells episode of Hard Knocks. I've tried to be a little more sophisticated on these, and they probably don't slam the Cowpies enough. The gloves are off now and I'll have a go in the last episode.