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What's Gonna Happen: Week 9


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What's Gonna Happen: Week 9

By Brian Tarcy

Date: Oct 30, 2003


Nothing as trivial as a bye week will stop our intrepid seer from predicting the weekend's games.

Most Browns’ fans blame the players, or the coaches, or even Patriots’ linebacker Mike Vrabel for the loss last week. I blame Jimmy from Parma, who forgot to wear his lucky socks.

Most Browns’ fans are analytical in trying to figure out why the Browns lost last week. I am spiritual. Perhaps it is time for all of us to evaluate our lucky socks.

Somebody out there is not doing your job. Whether it is Melvin Fowler or Jimmy from Parma, we have one free week to fix this. It’s time to dig deep, Browns’ fans. Our backs are up against the wall but just remember we still have to do this one sock at a time.

And if you are not superstitious, try harder.

I’m doing my part. I eat lucky cheeseburgers, drink lucky beer, and then before every game I find a blue van full of nuns or cheerleaders (on rotating weeks) and shout, “Leroy Kelly rules!” at them with Tourette’s-like spunk. Everyone should have such a fine ritual.

If you’d just do your part, maybe Melvin Fowler would find it easier to do his.

JAGUARS AT RAVENS – When Jack Del Rio said last week, “What I saw, I won’t stand for here,” he meant it. This week, he sees much of the same thing coaching from a Lazy Boy. Ravens 30, Jaguars 20.

CHARGERS AT BEARS – Drew Brees throws 14 interceptions but the Bears only catch two of them. It still turns out to be enough. Bears 14, Chargers 3.

RAIDERS AT LIONS – Can a tiger change its stripes? Sure, when Lions discover that they have become Bengals. And when Marques Tuiasosopo and his 22 career completions are a good bet to win. Raiders 29, Lions 23.

BYE AT BROWNS – When President Bush declares the Cleveland Browns’ offensive line a Federal Disaster Area, Pope John Paul II moves to cannonize both Tim Couch and Kelly Holcomb for the miracle of staying alive behind that offensive line. William Green tailgates and all my friends say, “hi,” except for Jimmy from Parma, who looks for his lucky socks.

PANTHERS AT TEXANS – Tony Banks starts for the Texans, answering the question who is the Texans’ backup quarterback? Panthers 24, Texans 10.

COLTS AT DOLPHINS – Brian Griese decides to have his career day, not realizing it means it means that he will never again be so good. Dolphins 36, Colts 19.

GIANTS AT JETS – Herman Edwards’ secret plan to confuse his quarterbacks is working well. Meanwhile, Vinny Testaverde, sensing his career is nearing an end, legally changes his name to Vinny Viagra for marketing reasons. Under the left end zone Jimmy Hoffa bets on the Giants as if he knows something. Giants 24, Jets 13.

BYE AT BILLS – The 4-4 Bills have a team meeting in an average restaurant with mediocre food and so-so service. Afterwards, they all go home and kiss their sisters.

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – The Buccaneers have not won back-to-back games yet this year. Maybe they won’t. Saints 22, Buccaneers 20.

BENGALS AT CARDINALS – If the Bengals are even mediocre that means for the first time in years I am actually going to have to consider the fact they might win. Nah, it would make my brain hurt. Cardinals 22, Bengals 7.

STEELERS AT SEAHAWKS – The Steelers can’t run so they have to throw to win. And Tommy Maddox is their quarterback. That’s the punch line. Seahawks 30, Steelers 9.

BYE AT CHIEFS - Larry Csonka and Don Shula are plotting something but like Josh Beckett and Jack McKeon, Dick Vermeil doesn’t believe in ghosts.

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – The Redskins have about as much chance of winning this game as Daniel Snyder has of winning one of those genius grants. Cowboys 42, Redskins 17. :hammer:

EAGLES AT FALCONS – The Falcons benched their entire secondary for this game but Donovan McNabb acts like he is throwing against Deion Sanders, Ron Woodson and Mel Blount and Ronnie Lott. Luckily for him, those guys don’t play second string for the Falcons. Eagles 12, Falcons 10.

RAMS AT 49ERS – There is something fun about watching a great NFL offensive machine. Still, the 49ers hate to be the ones watching. Rams 32, 49ers 16.

BYE AT TITANS – After scoring 30 or more points in each of the last five weeks, the Titans vote to save this week’s 30 points to use later in the season.:rotflmao:

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Randy Moss loves to play the Packers. The Packers don’t so much love it. Vikings 32, Packers 15.

PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – The Patriots defense is confused when they discover that the Broncos actually have an offensive line and plan to use it. Broncos 24, Patriots 16.

Happy Halloween. I am dressing up as A Cleveland Browns’ Win. I’ll be hard to find.

Speaking of costumes, all this orange on the Browns uniforms makes me crazy – like a deliberate attempt to counteract my lucky socks. It’s not logical and its just bad karma.

The BROWNS may be named after Paul Brown, or the Brown Bomber, Joe Louis, or whatever legend you want to believe, but they are definitely also named after a color. Brown is brown.

And it is not ORANGE. Orange belongs ONLY on the classic helmet. That really should be the end of the story.

So will the BROWNS please make that the person who decided to put ORANGE on the Cleveland Browns’ pants and/or shirts is reassigned back to the corporate world of tacky and teal teams? All that orange on a team named the Browns is as absurd as putting a checkerboard design in place of the New York Yankees pinstripes.

Or calling a team in Utah the Jazz.:doh:

This column is sponsored the really surprised guy who predicted the Apocalypse would be yesterday.


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