HailYeahSkinsGirl Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 occasionally ill take a peek cause i cant stand the" wondering if" but i also dont want her to see me as a jealous freak and drive her away because of it. its one of the most dificult conundrums when your in this situation I assume she doesn't know you check her phone, if she finds out I guarantee that whatever is going on, that would send her over the edge. Guilty or innocent it really ticks a girl off to be checked on. It seriously doesn't matter even if she is guilty because she'll find a way to turn it around on you and make you the bad guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskinss Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 personally i agree with the midlife crisis theory. shes 34, is starting to realize that her best looking days are piling up behind her and never really got to party in her early twenties like most people. ---------- Post added October-28th-2011 at 01:49 PM ---------- I assume she doesn't know you check her phone, if she finds out I guarantee that whatever is going on, that would send her over the edge. Guilty or innocent it really ticks a girl off to be checked on. It seriously doesn't matter even if she is guilty because she'll find a way to turn it around on you and make you the bad guy. i do it right in front of her. its exceptionally rare and its when she has set it down and gets a text ill pick it up and check it for her. i wouldnt do it without her knowledge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destino Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 My thoughts (which may be entirely wrong): do not let yourself become the one asking for pity. Sounds harsh but consider what you've told us. You're wife told you she wants to live a life without having to factor you in and here you are consumed by the idea that you are losing her. Were you not insulted by that comment? Were you not hurt in the way that only the closest people to us can harm us? Assuming the woe is me "whatever shall I do" role seems appropriate but does it work? In my experience it never does. People aren't motivated to respect and commit to weakness. I am not saying that you should be mean or lash out but remember that you have to stand strong and have every right to say "that comment was extremely disrespectful and I am not at all OK with it" That might be a good time to demand marriage counseling. I would also advise that you begin thinking about the unthinkable... you have children in the balance. Fight for your marriage but don't get caught unprepared if it becomes apparent that she's more interested in entertainment than her family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HailYeahSkinsGirl Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 personally i agree with the midlife crisis theory.shes 34, is starting to realize that her best looking days are piling up behind her and never really got to party in her early twenties like most people. ---------- Post added October-28th-2011 at 01:49 PM ---------- Shew, I'm relieved to hear that. Wouldn't want ya committing marriage suicide! Good luck & hang in there, sorry us female gotta be so looney i do it right in front of her. its exceptionally rare and its when she has set it down and gets a text ill pick it up and check it for her. i wouldnt do it without her knowledge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popeman38 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I assume she doesn't know you check her phone, if she finds out I guarantee that whatever is going on, that would send her over the edge. Guilty or innocent it really ticks a girl off to be checked on. It seriously doesn't matter even if she is guilty because she'll find a way to turn it around on you and make you the bad guy.Which is funny, because women will go to extremes to track their man. Why is that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskinss Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 not to keep beating a dead horse and i believe we have already covered the reasons i got suspicious( about losing her heart) but ill tell another story anyway. She has always had this 5 person list. its always been just a cutsie joke and its a list of 5 celebrities we could have sex with without getting in trouble. anyways a month or so ago she was drunk and when bringing up her list she mentioned someone on it and said i would so $%$# him. Its the way she said it that hurt because you could tell she was serious and it wasnt a joke anymore. its not that im a jealous maniac but when someone changes and you hear tones in there voice and body language like this it starts you wondering and as it turns out i was right to be concerned with the way she said it. i kinda flipped the coin on that one by asking her how she would feel ( and i used the same conotation in my voice) if i said i would so stick my %^$# in her %$#$% and she said she wouldnt like it. Thanks everyone for your advice its really helping me just to get it all out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southtown Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 another thing that kinda worries me is her recent obsesion with her appearance. she goes tanning all the time but recently made an appointment to get invisalign braces even though her teeth arent that bad and she also joined a gym and got sesions with a personal trainer. I'll go the other way with this one. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years and did almost the same thing. Always hated my crooked bottom teeth so I got Invisalign (greatest and most underrated product ever) and my teeth are now perfect. An old friend who I used to go to the gym with moved back to town and now I'm hitting the gym again more often. Another friend's dad moved into my complex and always drinks beer at the pool on weekends. I usually meet him down there for an hour or so and catch up. So I've straightened my teeth, getting into better shape and getting tan. None of it has to do with my girlfriend or me wanting to fool around on her. In fact, she likes the results. Or to look at it another way. Your already attractive girlfriend now has straighter teeth, a firmer body and a nice tan. The biggest winner in all this could be you. That being said though, having been together so long, your gut is usually not wrong. Something is probably up and it would be best to sit down (or go on vacation) and have a nice long talk on where things are at. OT: Erving, MA? Good luck finding a bar with Sunday Ticket out there... (I've spent plenty of time in Springfield, Amherst and Worcester...and its like Sunday Ticket doesn't exist) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HailYeahSkinsGirl Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Which is funny, because women will go to extremes to track their man. Why is that? Because we live in a hypocritical, double standards kind of world, duh. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 another thing that kinda worries me is her recent obsesion with her appearance. she goes tanning all the time but recently made an appointment to get invisalign braces even though her teeth arent that bad and she also joined a gym and got sesions with a personal trainer.Dont get me wrong i want her to feel good about herself and it doesnt bother me that shes doing it. its just another one of those warning signs that she may be interested in finding someone else and wants to look her best. of course it could be nothing it just seems to be a part of a theme.[/quote Oh ****. ---------- Post added October-28th-2011 at 02:58 PM ---------- Let me ask you this. Honestly, do you smell a rat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jumbo Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 ....if you're headed north, tell 'em you're going south.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimmySmith Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I assume she doesn't know you check her phone, if she finds out I guarantee that whatever is going on, that would send her over the edge. Guilty or innocent it really ticks a girl off to be checked on. It seriously doesn't matter even if she is guilty because she'll find a way to turn it around on you and make you the bad guy.So what. It is absolutely crucial that you do not ignore obvious means of checking. It may quickly get to a point where you are protecting your kids, assets, etc. If my wife was running out on weekends, and was openly unsure of our future, I darn sure would be checking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70th Week Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 ....if you're headed north, tell 'em you're going south.... Jumbo, the "Hell" thread is just a few down below this one, lol.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70th Week Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 double post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HailYeahSkinsGirl Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 So what. It is absolutely crucial that you do not ignore obvious means of checking. It may quickly get to a point where you are protecting your kids, assets, etc. If my wife was running out on weekends, and was openly unsure of our future, I darn sure would be checking. It shows signs of distrust & if she is already unsure (and possibly) guilty she's only going to become more defensive & possibly make things worse. It's a womans mind, it doesn't make sense, it's just the way it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimmySmith Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 It shows signs of distrust & if she is already unsure (and possibly) guilty she's only going to become more defensive & possibly make things worse. It's a womans mind, it doesn't make sense, it's just the way it is.I am sort of the opinion that certain ships have sailed and there comes a time to start protecting yourself. "Trust" becomes a ridiculous concept when one side uses it only to bully the other. My position on the whole thing, which I stated earlier, is that he has only one option, and that is to show support while allowing thing this whole thing to run it's course. He should protect himself (and his kids) in the meantime, because ultimately he has only control over what he can do. I have seen situations like this go real bad, real quick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mojo Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 It shows signs of distrust & if she is already unsure (and possibly) guilty she's only going to become more defensive & possibly make things worse. It's a womans mind, it doesn't make sense, it's just the way it is. "It's a woman's mind, it doesn't make sense" You couldn't have made a better argument FOR checking. Dude, I'd be checking in heartbeat and keeping tabs. You need to be prepared. Best case scenario, no worries. Worst case scenario, you're informed and can begin taking the proper measures to ensure you're protected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TD_washingtonredskins Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 With all due respect to the group discussing the OP ensuring his protection, etc., that almost seems like discussion for another day. This seems like more of a thread to help him try to interpret his wife's behavior. Hopefully it never gets to a point of requiring protection...but if it does, he'll have time to deal with that then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt Rich Fla Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 After reading all of it, it's time for a private investigator. Have her followed. Don't let on that your even suspicious. Build a giant case and boom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexey Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Humans are social beings and social pressures can be really strong. Changes in your wife could be happening due to a desire to conform, be a part of that new group. She may be feeling inner conflict between you and her friends. It could really help if you developed relationships with her new friends. You will become a member of the "in" group, or at least not be totally out of it. Your wife's inner tension between family and friends would probably ease, her friends would probably become more respectful of limitations that a family life places on the person, and your wife would probably feel less controlled by family life as well. Make sure you are doing this gently and for the right reasons, otherwise she will feel like you are invading her personal space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elessar78 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 redsknss, I'd say you have ample reason to suspect that your marriage is at a rocky stage. She's probably not consciously made the decision, but it seems it's underlying. To me, you've lost some trust for your wife. I think she needs to know that and I think her response could be very telling. By your nature, you said you're not the jealous paranoid type. Her reaction could go a couple ways: "No way you're crazy." or a more loving "Aww honey, I just wanted to feel better about myself you know you're the only one I love." kinda thing. Not that it will lead to it, but it's good to be prepared for a worst-case-scenario. Psychologically, emotionally, financially, and legally. If it's nothing, it's nothing. If it's something, you're ready. I've seen a couple of my boys go to check their joint account is at zero and they get served with divorce papers in the same day. Not that you can't get that money back but you'll have to work for it. My cousin right now is totally getting played by his wife (whose had 4 affairs by various accounts) and she keeps running up his credit card bills and buying expensive hand bags and such. If she's a bad person, then she'll hurt you one way or another. I'd try to mitigate the number of ways she can hurt you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HailYeahSkinsGirl Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 "It's a woman's mind, it doesn't make sense" You couldn't have made a better argument FOR checking.Dude, I'd be checking in heartbeat and keeping tabs. You need to be prepared. Best case scenario, no worries. Worst case scenario, you're informed and can begin taking the proper measures to ensure you're protected. This guy asked for a womans opinion, that is simply what I gave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destructis Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Right now all of the doubts are coming from you. Are you sure that you aren't changing also? Just something to think about on that front. I am an old guy who has been through a divorce and then many girlfriends after that. I was thinking about this the other night and I wish I knew then what I know now. One thing I have learned is that the only thing I really have control over is me. Relationships tend to go stale over time. It doesn't mean that one of you loves the other one less. A relationship takes work from both parties. There are going to be really great times and other times it will be a long lull. It sounds like you are going through one of those long lulls. Sit down and talk to each other and figure out what will spice things up for both of you. What will make you both feel alive again. Don't go into it with things already off the table. Leave everything on the table and figure out how much each of you are willing to try. Even talk about fantasys that you both have that you would have been afraid to discuss in the past. It doesn't matter what it is and just because it's a fantasy, it doesn't mean that you will ever live it, but also doesn't mean you won't. One thing you really haven't talked about is your sex life together. I am guessing you are having sex once or twice a month at this point. If you spice that up some by doing something different, a lot of other feelings fall more into place and you get some of that closeness back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskinss Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Right now all of the doubts are coming from you. Are you sure that you aren't changing also? Just something to think about on that front. I am an old guy who has been through a divorce and then many girlfriends after that. I was thinking about this the other night and I wish I knew then what I know now. One thing I have learned is that the only thing I really have control over is me. Relationships tend to go stale over time. It doesn't mean that one of you loves the other one less. A relationship takes work from both parties. There are going to be really great times and other times it will be a long lull. It sounds like you are going through one of those long lulls. Sit down and talk to each other and figure out what will spice things up for both of you. What will make you both feel alive again. Don't go into it with things already off the table. Leave everything on the table and figure out how much each of you are willing to try. Even talk about fantasys that you both have that you would have been afraid to discuss in the past. It doesn't matter what it is and just because it's a fantasy, it doesn't mean that you will ever live it, but also doesn't mean you won't. One thing you really haven't talked about is your sex life together. I am guessing you are having sex once or twice a month at this point. If you spice that up some by doing something different, a lot of other feelings fall more into place and you get some of that closeness back. our sex life is actually not quite that bad its more like once or twice a week but all too often i get the feeling shes just trying to do it for me (no pun intended). it seems like the only time she really gets into it is when shes been drinking and that kinda hurts too. ---------- Post added October-28th-2011 at 05:20 PM ---------- This guy asked for a womans opinion, that is simply what I gave. yes i did ask for a womans opinion and you gave me the stuff i was looking for thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissance Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 In an effort to keep this a relatively short read i will summon this up with the fact that we had a long talk last night and she admits to not feeling the same way about me but swears its not about wanting another man. I have said that i believe she is starting to get that (is the grass greener feeling) and she always says i dont know. she was 18 when we met and she tells me she thinks it may be that she wants to know if she could do it on her own but is afraid that if i found someone else she may realize that she made the biggest mistake of her life. She says that she wants to live a life were she doesnt have to figure me into every decision that she makes like what to buy at the grocery store or wether or not she can go lay down to bed but also acknowledges that im not controlling she just does this on her own. To me it sounds like she wants to break up with you and do her own thing but is hesitant because you've been together for so long. I think oftentimes we think that another guy/girl is the reason someone initiates a breakup. In reality, the person who ended it probably wanted to end it for a while, but waited until they had someone else lined up. If you are the only person she's ever been with and you guys have been together that long, then it's probably scary as hell for her to think that you might not actually be the one. The only advice I would give if you want to try to save your relationship is to pursue her new interests with her. She may is growing as an individual and doesn't see you fitting into that. If I were you, I would offer to join her in going out, going to the gym, etc, and grow with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destino Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 To me it sounds like she wants to break up with you and do her own thing but is hesitant because you've been together for so long. I think oftentimes we think that another guy/girl is the reason someone initiates a breakup. In reality, the person who ended it probably wanted to end it for a while, but waited until they had someone else lined up. If you are the only person she's ever been with and you guys have been together that long, then it's probably scary as hell for her to think that you might not actually be the one. The only advice I would give if you want to try to save your relationship is to pursue her new interests with her. She may is growing as an individual and doesn't see you fitting into that. If I were you, I would offer to join her in going out, going to the gym, etc, and grow with her. Reading that I'd think we were talking about someone that just discovered her career and has no time for her college boyfriend. As opposed to a mother of two that discovered she likes going clubbing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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