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need some relationship advice and or opinions. (particularly from women)


redskinss

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My wife and i have been together for 16 years and have always had a good relationship.

We fight occasionally like most couples but not very frequently.

the advice im looking for is opinions (particularly from women) about what is happening in her heart.

during the first 13 years or so of our relationship i was the center of her world, she would kiss me constantly, sit on my lap in bars, get upset if i didnt give her a kiss walking by, etc etc. i knew with every fiber of my sole that she loved me completely and unconditionally.

for a while now her affection towards me has been slowly declining.

I would say that the problem began a few years ago when she got a new job, she got a lot of new friends and starting going out more frequently to clubs on friday and saturday night with them.

I have absolutely no problem with this and i have told her as much but i think its the leading cause of the problem.

In an effort to keep this a relatively short read i will summon this up with the fact that we had a long talk last night and she admits to not feeling the same way about me but swears its not about wanting another man.

I have said that i believe she is starting to get that (is the grass greener feeling) and she always says i dont know.

she was 18 when we met and she tells me she thinks it may be that she wants to know if she could do it on her own but is afraid that if i found someone else she may realize that she made the biggest mistake of her life.

She says that she wants to live a life were she doesnt have to figure me into every decision that she makes like what to buy at the grocery store or wether or not she can go lay down to bed but also acknowledges that im not controlling she just does this on her own.

so am i losing her or is she going through some sort of midlife crisis.

I firmly believe that if your passion and affection for someone starts to fade its a slide that cannot be stopped but she wont tell me what i need to do she just keeps saying i dont know.

Please please please give me some advice and opinions on what you may think is going on.

Thanks in advance.

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i don't know man. i've only been in my relationship for a little over two years but from what you've said here I think everything is going to work out.

i don't have any real advice to give you but it hardly sounds like your relationship is in dire straights, more of a slump.

does she still love you? if so, i think you guys will be fine

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Have you guys thought about counseling? Or maybe you have been in counseling...it's not a bad thing to seek outside help. Better to be proactive then to let things like this linger. I actually recently got married (last week) and we have firmly agreed to be very open with our feelings and emotions. As lame as it sounds, it makes me feel a lot better knowing how she feels, but sometimes it's a little too much.

It's a good sign that at least you both can recognize a problem, and it seems like you are both willing to try to solve it.

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i don't know man. i've only been in my relationship for a little over two years but from what you've said here I think everything is going to work out.

i don't have any real advice to give you but it hardly sounds like your relationship is in dire straights, more of a slump.

does she still love you? if so, i think you guys will be fine

it does apear that way but the biggest fear for me is the fact that although we went through slumps our entire relationship i always knew that she had that burning love and passion for me and i dont feel that way anymore.

I know she still loves me but i told her i feel its more of a brotherly (not in a sick way) kind of love. its like she loves me because weve been together so long and doesnt know anything else or cant imagine her life without me.

Ive told her that she may not be looking for another relationship but most times thats not how it happens. i told her that i fear one day in a bar she was going to start having a conversation with a man and its gonna be one of those i didnt plan this it just happened affairs.

---------- Post added October-28th-2011 at 12:38 PM ----------

Have you guys thought about counseling? Or maybe you have been in counseling...it's not a bad thing to seek outside help. Better to be proactive then to let things like this linger. I actually recently got married (last week) and we have firmly agreed to be very open with our feelings and emotions. As lame as it sounds, it makes me feel a lot better knowing how she feels, but sometimes it's a little too much.

It's a good sign that at least you both can recognize a problem, and it seems like you are both willing to try to solve it.

no we havent had counseling although i wouldnt be opposed to it.

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Sorry to hear it. My wife and I have been together roughly the same amount of time but we are older than you and we met after both of us had gotten much of our youth out of our systems. Sounds like your wife has a crisis, and therefore you do also. I do not see much you can do but be supportive and know she will outgrow this. Take care of yourself.

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She says that she wants to live a life were she doesnt have to figure me into every decision that she makes like what to buy at the grocery store or wether or not she can go lay down to bed but also acknowledges that im not controlling she just does this on her own.

Are kids involved? Anyway that statement that I quoted kind of bothers me. It's good that you talked with her about your feelings and this does seem like a "is the grass greener" situation for her. I assume she didn't date a lot before she met you at 18? and that probably has a lot to do with it.

I would continue to have talks and perhaps look into marriage counseling. I've been married since '03 and I'm starting to realize how important communication is with my wife. I wish you the best of luck, keep us updated.

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If you guys met when she was 18 and have been dating/married ever since then, it sounds like a typical case of "i never got to live out my wild early-20s days" syndrome.

People that get in serious relationships at a relatively young age (like 18), never got to really live their "college years" because they were always in a relationship. She was the one who always "had a boyfriend" whenever she'd hit a party with her friends.

Even though you'relike you're cool with her having fun, it sounds like she's been going out more and is enjoying the good time, which is to be expected. I'm sure she still loves you, but may be enjoying some of the recent fun she's been having and might even resent you a tiny bit because she can't go out and party every night LOL.

Try to rekindle things a bit maybe. cook a dinner, light some candles, buy her something nice...i dunno. let her know that you still love her and appreciate her, and maybe she'll want to spend more time with you and get out of this phase she seems to be in..

I hope at least some of that made sense. I'm an idiot though, so you shouldn't pay me any attention anyway. :)

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Are kids involved? Anyway that statement that I quoted kind of bothers me. It's good that you talked with her about your feelings and this does seem like a "is the grass greener" situation for her. I assume she didn't date a lot before she met you at 18? and that probably has a lot to do with it.

I would continue to have talks and perhaps look into marriage counseling. I've been married since '03 and I'm starting to realize how important communication is with my wife. I wish you the best of luck, keep us updated.

yes we have two children 12 and 5. she says that having to do the same for me as them is part of the burden. but again i dont tell her to do anything so i dont know what i can do to fix that.

---------- Post added October-28th-2011 at 12:52 PM ----------

If you guys met when she was 18 and have been dating/married ever since then, it sounds like a typical case of "i never got to live out my wild early-20s days" syndrome.

I was thinking the exact same thing. when we met she really had no friends and i kept telling her she needed to get some friends and get a social life but she never really did untill recently. i guess its a litlle karma that its now hurting our marriage.

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Would it be possible for both of you to try to go out and do fun things together? I like the "cook her dinner and light some candles" advice to an extent, but maybe she needs to see you interacting in a social setting and remember some of the cool things she loves about you. If all she sees is the home life version of you, maybe that needs to be changed a bit.

My wife and I have only been married 6 years (with 2 kids under 5) and been together for 10 now. I would say that 99.5% of our interactions are very ho-hum in that we wake up, get kids ready, go to work, pick up kids, come home, cook dinner, watch TV, go to bed, etc. It's easy to not find anything special about those situations/scenarios even though you still love everyone involved (kids and spouse). But, the rare times we get to leave the kids behind and go to a wedding or out for a Halloween party, those are the times that we reconnect as two adults and can easily place ourselves back in similar situations to when we met. I think it's nice to remember what my wife is like with other adults and when she's not referring to herself as Mommy. I'm sure she feels the same about me.

If you can, I'd try to be a part of this new aspect of her life. I think that might go further than just trying to force an awkward, on-the-spot dinner with her at your house. I could be (and many times am) wrong though. Best of luck!

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Would it be possible for both of you to try to go out and do fun things together? I like the "cook her dinner and light some candles" advice to an extent, but maybe she needs to see you interacting in a social setting and remember some of the cool things she loves about you. If all she sees is the home life version of you, maybe that needs to be changed a bit.

My wife and I have only been married 6 years (with 2 kids under 5) and been together for 10 now. I would say that 99.5% of our interactions are very ho-hum in that we wake up, get kids ready, go to work, pick up kids, come home, cook dinner, watch TV, go to bed, etc. It's easy to not find anything special about those situations/scenarios even though you still love everyone involved (kids and spouse). But, the rare times we get to leave the kids behind and go to a wedding or out for a Halloween party, those are the times that we reconnect as two adults and can easily place ourselves back in similar situations to when we met. I think it's nice to remember what my wife is like with other adults and when she's not referring to herself as Mommy. I'm sure she feels the same about me.

If you can, I'd try to be a part of this new aspect of her life. I think that might go further than just trying to force an awkward, on-the-spot dinner with her at your house. I could be (and many times am) wrong though. Best of luck!

yeah i didnt give as many details as i probably should have but thats not it because we do go out fairly frequently. we go see local bands quite a bit. for the most part the times i dont go with her is when i have to work early the next day.

the problem is she only seems to enjoy herself around her friends lately even when im around. i cant really explain it very well but she is constantly texting or facebooking when im around which makes me feel like she doesnt want my attention but more importantly is how she reacts to those texts and responses from her friends that cuts me like a knife. she will read a response and her face will light up with a big smile or laugh but i can never seem to get that kind of reaction or happiness from her anymore. maybe im not making any sense but i constantly get the feeling that i just dont make her happy anymore.

---------- Post added October-28th-2011 at 01:05 PM ----------

Are the friends she's hanging out with single and carefree? Do you know them well or at all?

yes i know most of them well and most are single or in new relationships which i have said to her is what i feel is part of the problem.

I think she is getting jealous of her friends newly found passion with there partners and that new relationship feeling.

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yes i know most of them well and most are single or in new relationships which i have said to her is what i feel is part of the problem.

I think she is getting jealous of her friends newly found passion with there partners and that new relationship feeling.

Maybe all of you could go out together every once in awhile on a Friday/Saturday, so she doesn't fell so left out (if you weren't doing that before)? Just sounds like something special is in order, like others have said. I'm still figuring things out myself, but I think that would help, or at least be a good starting point

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Maybe all of you could go out together every once in awhile on a Friday/Saturday, so she doesn't fell so left out (if you weren't doing that before)? Just sounds like something special is in order, like others have said. I'm still figuring things out myself, but I think that would help, or at least be a good starting point

yeah we do all the time.

Its actually part of what makes me feel unwanted. every time we make plans the first thing she does is round up everybody she can to go out and it makes me feel like im not enough.

if she cant get anybody else to go out she ends up just wanting to stay home.

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the problem is she only seems to enjoy herself around her friends lately even when im around. i cant really explain it very well but she is constantly texting or facebooking when im around which makes me feel like she doesnt want my attention but more importantly is how she reacts to those texts and responses from her friends that cuts me like a knife. she will read a response and her face will light up with a big smile or laugh but i can never seem to get that kind of reaction or happiness from her anymore. maybe im not making any sense but i constantly get the feeling that i just dont make her happy anymore.

This would worry me the most. I'm not saying there is someone else but...

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Sounds like she's hitting that late 20s early 30s freak out. They all go through it. (seems to me) you need to spice it up. I mean spice it up big time. Get some pills. (you know the kind) let it go and get freaky with it. Pulled hair, tied up, duct tape is a plus. Get hammered with her. You may think I'm kidding or making light of your situation, I'm not.

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Sounds like she's hitting that late 20s early 30s freak out. They all go through it. (seems to me) you need to spice it up. I mean spice it up big time. Get some pills. (you know the kind) let it go and get freaky with it. Pulled hair, tied up, duct tape is a plus. Get hammered with her. You may think I'm kidding or making light of your situation, I'm not.

i dont think your kidding and ive tried. not to get too personal but just last week i gave her what was( based on her reaction) probably the best orgasm of our relationship and it didnt seem to help.

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Man, when I hear this story it makes me cringe. I understand that its important that both people in a relationship have friends, but I've never understood the need to really do things separately with the opposite sex. (i.e. I'm going out with my two single friends John and Steve, and they're bringing their single friends Jen and Melissa, see at you at home around 1am.). People these days seem to want to "give each other space" and don't want to "smother" one another, but there has to be a balance. The door was opened, rather innocently at first, and now it looks like you have a real problem. You have children, and it sounds like you want to work it out, so counseling could help. But I don't think the status quo is going to work. Sorry to hear about your problems, and I hope you work them out.

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another thing that kinda worries me is her recent obsesion with her appearance. she goes tanning all the time but recently made an appointment to get invisalign braces even though her teeth arent that bad and she also joined a gym and got sesions with a personal trainer.

Dont get me wrong i want her to feel good about herself and it doesnt bother me that shes doing it. its just another one of those warning signs that she may be interested in finding someone else and wants to look her best.

of course it could be nothing it just seems to be a part of a theme.

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another thing that kinda worries me is her recent obsesion with her appearance. she goes tanning all the time but recently made an appointment to get invisalign braces even though her teeth arent that bad and she also joined a gym and got sesions with a personal trainer.

I'd wonder about that...you ever check out who she is texting and facebooking with?

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I'm sorry you're going through this but I can somewhat relate because I am going through almost the same thing. I do believe your wife is going through a mid life crisis and trying to get back her early 20's. I too am dealing with this issue (except I'm 10 years younger), I have been with my husband almost 8 years & we had a child very young. Now as she gets older & doesn't demand as much attention, I too had started going out & "living life". Unfortunately from what I'm reading it's my perspective that there might not be another man right now, but her head is definitely thinking the "what if's". I'm sure you know this, but once a woman gets something in her mind, she's set in stone. Be patient though, women have a way of going through a roller coaster of emotions & more in likely she's pretty confused herself. Do I test the forbidden waters or stay in my coziness? Maybe getting attention from the opposite sex or just anyone makes her feel good & she has no negative intentions at all. And honestly you may never know 100% what her deal is but if anything was to happen, at least ya'll tried. I too agree with the counseling and doing the small things, but if you try too much there's a better chance you may just push her away. Try to keep the doors of communication open that's the best thing you can do at this time and ride this wave out. Good luck & remember all of us woman are just one crazy jigsaw puzzle that can't be solved!

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I'd wonder about that...you ever check out who she is texting and facebooking with?

occasionally ill take a peek cause i cant stand the" wondering if" but i also dont want her to see me as a jealous freak and drive her away because of it. its one of the most dificult conundrums when your in this situation.

And that is also one of the things thats gutting me the most is that i never even had to consider this for so long. its a completely foreign feeling to me and i dont like it.

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1. Going out with friends a lot, and voicing regrets about not really having a crazy college-age life.

2. Going to the gym, getting her teeth fixed, personal trainer, tanning, etc.

3. More interest in social networking than in her family.

In my opinion, which at my young age obviously isn't worth much, she's absolutely going through a mid-life crisis type thing. Feeling her youth slipping away right as a group of her friends are all getting into the honey-moon phases of new relationships, or the fun, care-free phases of being single for the first time in a long time...they are rekindling their own youth, and she feels left out.

I think you should absolutely pursue marriage counseling. This could be a dangerous time for your marriage as she tries to recapture the times she missed when she was 18-25. I commend you on being such an accepting guy, IE. not getting overly suspicious, jealous, or possessive throughout all of this---which would probably only push her further away.

But there's no doubt that action needs to be taken, or its possible that a few years from now she'll look back at what a great family, ADULT life she messed up in a vain search for a younger one.

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