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ESPN: Why Boston Is Better Than You.


mjah

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From a sports perspective, Boston has been amazing over the last decade.

I actually took my first trip to Boston a few weeks ago for a wedding and I had a blast. It was an awesome city, I just don't think I could handle their harsh winters.

One funny thing I noticed about the Boston area is that there are literally more Dunkin Donuts per capita than gas stations. It was ridiculous.

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From a sports perspective, Boston has been amazing over the last decade.

I actually took my first trip to Boston a few weeks ago for a wedding and I had a blast. It was an awesome city, I just don't think I could handle their harsh winters.

One funny thing I noticed about the Boston area is that there are literally more Dunkin Donuts per capita than gas stations. It was ridiculous.

The thing that surprised me the most was how many hot girls there were....every time you turned your head, you saw at least an 8.

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The thing that surprised me the most was how many hot girls there were....every time you turned your head, you saw at least an 8.
Yeah sure before they hit "The Crossroads."

At first when they're young and single, they're all Let's go to the Sawx game, drink heavily, get loud and go home and have sex until you have to push me away. Then once you slip that ring on her finger it's all You drink too much, you can't watch sports - you have to work around the house, no more revealing clothes or going out, a functional short haircut, cold cream and curlers.

Hey single Beantowners. Beware the Crossroads.

And another thing. **** Josh Beckett, Tom Brady and Kevin McCale too. :)

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403563336.jpg

God, ESPN is terrible and lazy with every medium they're involved in.

"Four Teams. Seven Titles. Ten Years. Do The Math."

That's about as obnoxious as possible.

I also like presenting the Boston teams as being built on super in-depth statistical analysis on player performance, scheme success, trade evaluation, etc., while also including articles like "Is Tom Brady Too Pretty" and a (very intellectual, I'm sure) back-and-forth series between Artie Lange and Denis Leary over Boston sucking or New York sucking. You can't show Boston as being too nerdy without giving a little back to the local fans who might be concerned that Brady is coming across too "quee-ah" for such a tough city.

I know it's just ESPN the Magazine, and they did this edition because it'll probably sell tons of copies to the average Joe who still relies on ESPN to keep up to date with sports news, but it really does encapsulate how ridiculous ESPN, as a brand, has become.

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Boston used to be the lovable underdog

POOR RED SOX

POOR BRUINS CAN'T WINT ITLES

Now all they do is win and many in America are sick of their ****. Boston has quickly become public enemy #1.

I actually think I'm going to root for the Yankees if they play the Sox in the AL playoffs this year. That's saying a lot considering I actually enjoyed the 2004 postseason more than any other I've watched since 1997.

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I am not joking. I went to college at VT and the second after the Red Sox won the title the entire campus was Boston for the next 4 or 5 years. It's the whole Dallas syndrome all over again. Millions of people latching onto Red Sox and Boston bandwagon despite having never visited the city or having no links to the city.

Red Sox fans at this point are as bad as the Cowboys fans

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Didn't PB start a **** Boston thread

Good thread

Something about ask and ye shall receive.

http://www.extremeskins.com/showthread.php?199363-Dear-Boston-STFU!

---------- Post added September-23rd-2011 at 12:50 PM ----------

I had forgotten how snippy the e-mails between me and Chomerics were. Here is a beauty from that thread.

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/...le-hole-s.html

With the Red Sox advancing to the World Series, Boston College still undefeated, KG moving to the Celtics, and this year’s Patriots in the process of becoming the best team in the history of the NFL (and you’re deluding yourself if you can't accept the reality of that), we are on the verge of witnessing a perfect storm of douchebaggery emanating from the greater Boston area. We’re talking the absolute zenith of self-important ****facery. The sky will turn pitch black and rain vinegar upon us all.

I have done all that I can to stop this. I’ve offered bounties, yet NFL defenders remain too dumb, and NFL defensive coaches too incompetent to call for a drop kick right to Tom Brady’s patella. We at KSK have also tried repeatedly hammering the point home that Bill Simmons is a ****ing douchebag (see below, or just wait for the next post). It’s a like a political talking point: the more often we say it, the more likely it is to stick in your brain, regardless of whether or not you actually believe it (“Oh, Bill Simmons? Yeah, he’s a douche. No, wait! I kinda used to like him! Damn you, KSK!"). But those efforts have done nothing to stem this growing doucheflood.

We are left with two options. The first option is to cultivate the hatred the rest of the nation has for these people, so that, even when the Patriots or Red Sox win, they cannot savor the victory fully. After all, if there’s any group of fans that has a “Why can’t you be happy for us?” mentality, it’s New England sports fans. Not only do they act douchey when they win. But they fully expect you to jump on the bandwagon with them. Witness Simmons’ infamous Pats-hater ****fest from earlier in the year, one of the sorriest sports columns ever written.

Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is ****ing annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. **** this “appreciating” other teams ****. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t ****ing stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.

So that’s one option. But there is another option, and that is, of course, to join them. Is this a lame thing to do? Oh, yeah. Total ****head move. But hey, maybe you’re a Dolphins fan and you’ve abandoned all hope. Maybe becoming a dip**** ******* cumguzzler like Jimmy Fallon is your only way to stay happy. I don’t approve, but I’m not here to judge. We at KSK are here for the people, so we’ve come up with a few rules, listed below, of just how to turn yourself into one of these fans. One bonus of becoming an insufferable Boston bandwagon fan is that it gives the rest of us extra ammunition to want to gut New England fans with a paring knife, which I’m more than okay with. Hate feels good. It really gets me through my day.

Lest you think these rules are farcical, I assure you they are not. No one knows the psyche of New England sports fans quite like I do. I went to dip**** prep school in New England. I went to college in New England. My parents have lived in Connecticut for the past 17 years. You might even call me a “total ****ing hypocrite,” which is more than fair. I’ve been in the heart of the douche. I’ve worn the fleece. I’ve heard all the God Street Wine songs. I know what it’s all about. I had plenty of opportunities to join the brood. Despite my own history of wanton douchebaggery, I resisted. But I’m still enough of a preppy dicksmack to help you reach your goal. Here now, is how you become one of “them”:

1. Use Manny Ramirez to justify all your stereotypes about Latin Americans, but do NOT use David Ortiz to refute any of them.

2. ***** about Dane Cook “representing” you while, at the same time, rocking his exact same haircut.

3. Boast about Bill Belichick’s strategic genius as if it is somehow indirectly your doing. You’ll see plenty of New England fans, when seeing another coach **** up, say to you, “Now, would Belichick do something like that? Hell no. He’d do it totally different.” You see, pointing out Belichick’s acumen is a way of trying to pass it off as your own. He’s smart, which makes you smart! Talk about Belichick the same way a proud father boasts about his child prodigy. You won’t be any more intelligent. In fact, you’ll still be a ****ing eggplant. But you’ll feel more intelligent, and that’s nice.

4. Own $1,000 worth of Red Sox merchandise, but no Patriots merchandise whatsoever. The lone exception: The Wes Welker jersey. Pats fans love Wes Welker because he’s white. Just like them! They also love Tedi Bruschi, because he’s kinda white. And hey, that’s not bad either.

5. Be sure to boast about all the hot chicks Tom Brady gets to nail. Because that’s totally something for YOU to brag about.

6. Complain earnestly about how many ads Peyton Manning appears in while continuing to brag about the Pats' O-line being Brady's five layers of protection. Lord knows Brady's never been in an ad for Stetson, or Movado, or Gap, or any of that ****.

7. If you put a five into a jukebox at any sports bar, you must play “Satellite” by the Dave Matthews Band at least once.

8. Act proudly ignorant of things you already know. Like so: “Hey, who was that colored guy in that “Rush Hour” movie? He was all right.” You know damn well it's Chris Tucker, but the casual racism makes you 50% more charming to chicks in Framingham. This works even better if you’re a Boston-area college student. Yeah, you go to Tufts, but you have no fackin’ idea who those Maroon 5 faggots are.

9. Be sure to try and distinguish yourself as a “real fan”. All “real” Boston fans must be able to judge their fellow Boston fans' credibility. Never been to Fenway? Poseur. Didn't like the Pat Patriot logo? Bandwagoner. Went to college outside New England? Turncoat. Too young to remember the '86 Celtics? Faggot.

10. ***** about the Boston accents in any film or TV show. “Yeah, ‘The Depahted’ was fackin’ great, but they don’t talk like that in fackin’ REVEEEEAH!!!!!” Yes, no film could ever accurately depict just how real, how fierce your hardscrabble Newton upbringing was.

11. Adopt the attitude that you, yes you, DESERVE this success. “Hey, we Pats fans know how it used to be back in the day. We earned these titles.” Don’t treat your team’s good fortune as the stroke of good fortune it happens to be. No, no, no. Your championship has to be deeper then someone else’s championship. It has to mean something more. Why? Because you fancy yourself as being introspective. ****gobbler. Treat it like some sort of karmic reward for Len Bias dying, or some other twisted, idiotic explanation.

12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! ****ing die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. “Hey, you can’t rip on Papelbon! He’s fackin’ one of us!” Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.

13. Be sure to grow your hair out under your artificially aged Red Sox hat so that little hair wings sprout out the side. That looks great.

14. Laugh at your own jokes. You're so funny, guy!

15. Dip.

16. Shun Ben Affleck. Embrace Matt Damon. That apples line never gets old!

17. Finally, ***** about everything: critics, certain players who personally disappoint you, etc. They call it New England for a reason. People in England love to ****ing complain. You are the newer, even more annoying model.

Follow these rules and I promise you that everyone from the nation’s remaining 44 states will want to rape you with a hammer. But hey, you’re a Boston sports fan now. You’ll be completely ignorant to your own jackassery. That’s the beauty of it. You are now just as ****ing annoying as a Notre Dame football fan, or a Duke basketball fan. That's right, Pats fan. That's the level you're at right now. Enjoy your world titles, you ****ing ****hog.

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Boston fans have become insufferable.

They've gotten soft. They've gotten lazy and complacent.

You may have seen my rant in the RT thread where I put Boston fans on blast for blaming the officials for the Patriots loss instead of their own team. It's ridiculous what it's come to. It's ridiculous how arrogant the fans in this city have become. Shut the **** up, Boston. You were once the poor orphan that we took in and adopted against "Those big bad Yankees", the lovable underdog, the puppy with the cute eyes who we all wanted to take in and claim as our own.

But after years of dominating the Sports landscape, Boston fan has become ****y, and arrogant. Boston fan believes he owns the world. Boston fan believes his team is the best, Johnnny, wicked pissa! The Sox, Johnny! The Sawx! Boston fan believes the Patriots are the best team ever assembled in world history. Boston fan freaks out when his beloved Patriots ****ing lose, and claims the refs played a heavy hand. Of course you won't insult your own team, or your own defense that can't stop a nose bleed. Instead, you blame the officials, claim the Bills were lucky, and **** like that.

Face it, Boston fan. Your time of dominating the world of sports is coming to an end. You're quickly becoming the vile trash of the sports world. Those who have adopted you and taken you in with love, are growing bitter that you've decided to pimp yourself as so. You're not the best anymore. Stop acting like it.

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ixcuincle.

What Boston fans once were in the eyes of Yankee fans, you would now seem to be in the eyes of Boston fans. Is that what you really want? To step into the role of the fanbase you seem to spend so much energy despising, and rehash the whole rage-plot with a slightly different cast of characters?

It doesn't exactly serve to separate you from the caricature you paint in your post above. Given any consistent success of your own favorite teams, you'll be poised to become exactly what you see in them.

Now I realize what sounds so familiar about this: you're the young Skywalker, raging against Anakin/Vader (various Boston teams' bandwagoners) for getting too close to the power of the Emperor (boorish Yankees bandwagoners) and being turned to misdeeds by the dark side (ESPN overexposure) of the Force (massive on-field success). But you don't realize the destiny those evil agents have in store for you, the minute your teams manage to string together a few contemporary championships. You will become them because you fear them. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

If only there was some wise Yoda, expelled from the growing horde of Boston fandom to seek a dismal, largely ignored hiding place in the rancid festering swamps of greater Philadephia, who could offer you this wisdom from a position of authority.

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If you saw Pats fan whining about being the victim of poor officiating, you'd be mad too. No one thought they were jobbed but their own fanbase.

Every time the Patriots lose it's never their defense's fault. Always the fault of the officials. Always another team "getting lucky". Boston fans are spoiled brats, and they need a serious helping of humble pie.

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You just wonder how one city/area can be so lucky to have that many teams good at the same time. See my sig for my teams and that doesn't include my college teams. Last championship I got to celebrate was MD basketball in 2002 and the last professional team I had was the Redskins 20 years ago. I usually only had 1 or 2 teams at the same time winning or playing for championships. They others usually sucked.

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You just wonder how one city/area can be so lucky to have that many teams good at the same time.

See article.

They overplay it a bit; I agree with Duckus that the Celtics' strategy sure seemed less scientific, and I'll add that the Bruins basically backed into their most recent Cup by accident. But regarding the Sox and Patriots (5 championships between them in the past 10 years), it's not just luck. That happened because they paid attention to what others ignored, and the heavy concentration of really great universities in the Boston area seems to have played a major part.

Just another benefit of having a highly educated city core, I guess -- relative to many other cities, anyway. :)

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