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Onion: New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable


Larry

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WASHINGTON—Calling a GOP victory in the 2012 presidential election antithetical to the party platform, top Republicans revealed a new long-term political strategy Tuesday: reelecting Barack Obama and making his life even more of a living hell than it already is.

"For three years, the Republican Party has coalesced around the single goal of making President Obama's every waking moment sheer and utter torture," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters. "But we can't continue to do that if he's not in office."

"If we are going to make the president a haggard shell of a human being by the time he leaves the White House, we need four more years of never compromising, four more years of miring every piece of legislation in unnecessary procedural muck, four more years of pretending we want to work with the president and then walking away from the table at the last second," McConnell added. "Four more years! Four more years! Obama 2012!"

According to GOP sources, the decision to cede the 2012 election to Obama came after rank-and-file Republicans agreed that grinding the president down to nothing and pushing him to the brink of insanity was far more in line with the Republican Party's core principles than actually controlling the White House, making laws, or governing the country.

In order to make the president's next four years the worst of his life, GOP legislators are reportedly working on a new "Destroy Every Fiber of Barack Obama's Being" initiative, a plan that includes benchmarks such as making Obama look 10 years older than he is just six months into his second term; ruining his marriage before the 2014 midterm elections; and, by the time he leaves office, making him break down in front of the entire nation and say the words "I give up. Just please stop."

Wish I could decide whether this was comedy or tragedy.

Also, opinions: Should threads based on Onion articles be labeled as such? Or is it better to accidentally forget to mention that?

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Have you seen him lately, he went from 40's to 60's in 2.5 years.

He volunteered for the second worst timeframe possible. the worst would be the next one.

Countries around the world defaulting, Zeus got repossesed.

Reagan had a worse time upfront but there was no 24x7 3hour loops on 900tv stations.

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Also, opinions: Should threads based on Onion articles be labeled as such? Or is it better to accidentally forget to mention that?

Definitely better to accidentally forget to mention it. There's always someone who wanders into the thread, takes it seriously, and has an opinion about it that he HAS TO TELL EVERYONE BECAUSE IT'S SO SUPER IMPORTANT.

We should not discourage these things from happening. :evilg:

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obama%2Bbeg.jpg

Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall

WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cau≠tiously announced Tuesday that they had heard about a possible employment opportunity at the Lindale Mall in Cedar Rapids, IA. "Now, this could be something, or it could be absolutely nothing, but we think they're looking for someone to restock the jewelry kiosk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, with the chance to add Sunday mornings further down the line," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, explaining that the person who currently holds the part-time position had been overheard asking about her employer's maternity leave policies. "People rushing to update their resumés should understand that we've been informed of similar openings in the past only to find out later that a coworker has stepped up to take the extra hours—so please be advised this may be a false alarm." Solis added that the only fact she could confirm for certain regarding the job was that it did not include health insurance.

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