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Easter Joke


Destructis

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If you are easily offended, please stop reading here, or if you are at work and laughing out loud will get you in trouble.

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Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they

could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give

thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus

was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans

arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him

in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.

If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

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for the record.... this one ALSO is not at all new... but I heard it originally from a priest, and almost choked on my cornflakes.

Peter hears the rooster crow.... and suddenly realizes that he has indeed forsaken Jesus three times, just as Jesus had told him would happen. He is overtaken with sorrow and misery and heads toward Calvary to stand by his savior...

however, when he gets there, with Jesus-flanked by the two thieves on their crosses at the top of the hill.. Peter finds the place teeming with Roman legionaires. As he nears the cross, Jesus sees him and says "Peter.. I must tell you something...."

However, at that very moment, the Romans become aware of Peter's presence and begin to question why he is there. Peter is adamant that he will NOT forsake his lord a fourth time, and is fully determined to stand by Jesus this time..... but the crowd begins to get more and more unruly and Peter is pushed away from the top of the hill... but Peter is adamant and forces his way against the tide, further upsetting the situation. At this point the crowd has almost become a riot, but Peter forces his way against the tide and bursts through, bloodied, beaten and bruised to the base of the cross of his savior... As he feels angry fingers grasp out and claw at him to pull him back into the mass of humanity and he knows the mob will exact its full wrath and revenge on him .... he finally hears what Jesus has to say: "Peter... I can see your house from up here..."

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A young Anheiser-Busch ad executive, trying to make a name for himself in the corporation, has an idea. He travels to Rome to meet with one of the Pope's emissaries.

"I have a lucrative proposal for the Church. We will reward you handsomely if you will agree, for the Lenten season, to change the wording of The Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud."

The emmisary exclaims "My goodness, that is a highly unusual request." The ad executive replies "I assure you that the compensation would be unusually high as well."

The emissary expresses his doubts about the proposal but tells the young exec that the Church will get back to him soon. Once the ad exec leaves his office the emmisary buzzes the Pope on the intercom.

"Your Highness, is there an escape clause on the Wonder Bread contract?"

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A Marylander, A Virginian and a West Virginian die and find themselves standing before St. Peter.

"Unfortunately, you didn't qualify for heaven this time," St. Peter says, "but we're willing to give each of you another chance."

He takes them to a cliff, with a fast moving river below it.

"To prove your faith, each of you must run and jump off the ledge, shouting the name of the animal into wish you wish to be reincarnated. This will prove your faith, and after your life as that animal, you'll be admitted into heaven."

The Marylander immediately sprints toward the ledge, jumps off and yells "fish!" He turns into a handsome bass, splashes into the water, and swims away.

The Virginian sees this, sprints toward the ledge, jumps off, and yells "eagle!" He turns into a majestic bald eagle and flys away.

Having seen the success of the other two, the West Virginian sprints toward the ledge but stumbles and falls of the cliff, screaming "****!!!!!" (s-word)

---------- Post added April-22nd-2011 at 01:46 PM ----------

I sure hope he doesn't see his shadow this year...I hate hockey.

When the mods ask whether they should release you or NavyDave, I'm afraid this will count against you. :)

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There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down."I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the hell out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

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There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down."I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the hell out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

Now that's a good joke. Everyone else learn from this man.

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

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