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Problems with friends/girlfriend relationship


CoolUsernameHere

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So I'm coming to ES to both vent about something and ask for advice. I've never come to the site for help on anything other than Skins football, but I don't think you guys will let me down.

I've been friends with two twin brothers, M and P, since about second grade. As many best buddies I've had since then, they've been the ones I've really stuck around with. We have very similar interests and have similar senses of humor. I really grew up with them. We grew up in Alabaster, Alabama, just south of Birmingham.

I currently live in an apartment with M in Auburn, Alabama (which is a couple of hours away from our hometown). All three of us go to Auburn University.

I met my current girlfriend (we'll call her C) my senior year of high school. C was a junior at the time. We started dating the February of my senior year, and decided to continue our relationship when I went to college. It was only a couple of hour drive. So we made it my freshman year of college and her senior year of high school, only really seeing each other a little more than every other weekend. It was hard, but we made it. Now she's a freshman at Auburn, and I'm a sophomore. We've been dating two years next month.

When C and I first started dating, M and P loved her. They thought she was really cool. They liked hanging out with her, and each developed a friendship with her. Everything was phenomenal.

Now, C goes to Auburn, so needless to say she's over at my apartment all the time. And since I'm friends with P and he's M's brother, P is over all the time too. Something has changed... and it's absolutely killing me.

C just finished her first semester at Auburn. She had kind of a rough time. She made a few friends, but none that she really sees herself hanging out with for years to come. She loves Auburn's campus, and the overall environment of the school.

The problem is that M and P and C don't all get along very well while all together in the same room anymore.

Sources of the problem:

1) M and P are obnoxious sometimes, especially when they're together. They've really begun to like "a-hole humor," which can be funny to me sometimes, but I've never met a girl that liked these type of jokes. It just doesn't translate well with women. They can be quite annoying to be around occasionally when they get this way. But having poor social skills, M and P don't really pick up on when they're the only people in the room that think they're being funny. They just make themselves and each other laugh, and that's all that they seem to care about.

2) C can not handle loudness and obnoxiousness very well. When it gets that way something in her brain goes nutty, and it just really messes with her. She can't think or speak coherently. She just doesn't deal with it well. Additionally, and as a result, she does a poor job of expressing these feelings to M and P, and ends up sounding mean and just "b**chy." She, understandably, has trouble being polite when people around her are being at is at times very rude.

3) All three parties have not made an attempt to improve themselves. Each selfishly believes that only other people are at fault.

4) People have changed since entering college. M used to be a super-nice guy, was easy to get along with, and was very likeable. In the last several months he's decided not to be that way anymore. C used to be a lot more tolerable of M and P's behavior, but for some reason has really become an intolerant person when it comes to these things.

5) I, being the pansy that I am, don't ever defend anyone. When these three go at each other I just ignore everyone, and hope that they handle it themselves. I go to my room, or focus on something else. I'd rather not take sides, because I honestly see faults in each party. But apparently they're incapable of handling issues.

So M and P just basically don't like C anymore (though this information is really coming from a friend who is close to M and P), and the feelings are becoming mutual. She, for my sake, tries to be nice to them, but it can be hard for her sometimes (which I mostly understand). The difference is, either M and P are too blind to see that they're really getting out of hand, or they just don't care.

I guess when Christmas break is over, I'll have to make everyone sit down and talk, because frankly I'm SICK of all of the tension. It's absolutely no fun to be with all of them in my apartment all the time. But I am very much NOT a forceful person. I'm quiet, passive and am just overall uncomfortable when I'm the center of attention.

I don't know what the heck I'm going to do to enforce some kind of change, but it has to happen. It sounds ridiculous, but I've contemplated about transferring schools, moving to a new apartment, or doing something else drastic.

I don't want to give up my friendships with M and P, nor do I want to give up my relationship with my girlfriend.

What do I do? I've lost a ton of sleep over this. Something needs to resolve soon.

Thanks in advance for your advice and help.

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Boy, did you paint a one-sided scenario. Sounds like your friends are being jerks and bad roommates. I didn't read anything negative coming from the girl's end other than her patience at not being treated well and not dealing well with really loud, obnoxious people is wearing thin.

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Boy, did you paint a one-sided scenario. Sounds like your friends are being jerks and bad roommates. I didn't read anything negative coming from the girl's end other than her patience at not being treated well and not dealing well with really loud, obnoxious people is wearing thin.

I guess I kind of did. The biggest problem my girlfriend has is NOT telling M and P when they're bothering her. While they can be obnoxious, they react well to well-spoken and calm suggestions. My girlfriend is either unwilling to or incapable of telling M and P that they're really bugging her. I don't want to fight her battles, as like I said, I really want to continue to be a third party.

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Yeah, no one really like that. Is the reason for their changes in behavior due to alcohol or other stuff? Assuming their good guys, otherwise why would you choose them as friends, I think they deserve to be told. After all, they might just think they're being funny and could honestly be blind to it. I know that men, including myself, can sometimes be really stupid when it comes to how they come across.

Still, the longer you let something build the worse it will be when it all comes out. You don't want everyone having a laundry list and getting pissed and defensive. As for the girl, it's possible that she's got those first year blues... some people take a while to adjust to college and it's harder for them to be away from home... maybe that's why she hasn't made those friends and maybe she's extra dependent on you. If you are her only friend and lifeline jealousy could be a factor in her annoyance as well (though Lord knows I am the last person who should give relationship advice)

As a general rule though, dealing with issues before they reach a boil is best. Make sure you really know what's going on and understand before you go in too. You don't need to be the chivalrous knight defending your lady's honor. You don't need to make anyone the bad guy, but it might be cool to lower the volume (if nothing else the neighbors might appreciate it) and by the way...

Keep off their Grass! Dagnabbit.

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If your friends were smart they would have realized after 2 years you're not just dicking around with this girl. That means they wouldn't want to do something to make things bad or put you in the middle, which they're doing. Your girlfriend could do something about it if she wanted to, but I'll bet that she wouldn't really mind at all if you stopped hanging out with those two so much, or at all, so even if she is capable of deterring them from doing **** she probably won't want to bother with it or will react poorly to their stupidity and cause some sort of commotion.

She knows that if you're not suicidal you're going to take her side and perhaps eventually some sort of blow up will happen or you'll sour towards your friends over time and you will steer yourself towards some people who are more acceptable.

As someone who almost never really changed as a person I can tell you that people change drastically through their teens. I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that but it continues to college and new experiences. I had a friend who lived across the street much like the ones you're describing who I was extremely close to growing up. When I was 15 and he was 14 his mom pushed him to make other friends besides me, and he befriended some unsavory individuals. As a result he got into partying, drinking, and doing drugs which I never did and we grew apart. Theres few things more painful than losing a great friendship but thats how life goes sometimes. Its up to you to know what is most important to yourself as an individual. When my friend was changing I decided that what he was doing wasn't for me. I told him how I felt about it, that I thought the things he was doing weren't "him" and that I wouldn't partake in that sort of stuff.

I don't know what you know about your girlfriend- and I didn't say feel because feelings can blind you to facts. Is this the girl you're going to marry? Is this a person who would make a good wife in the role that you expect a wife to play complementary to yourself (similar goals involving family, where to live, work situation)? Is this your wife to be, or is this someone you love but who might not be a good partner in life? Are you going to stay with this girl for the rest of your life?

If this girl is it for you, you have to side with her and talk to your friends to work something out so you don't lose them in the process, because if she isn't going anywhere then if you do nothing your friends certainly ARE going somewhere, and it would be a shame after years of a close friendship. You may find that at first they react poorly to you, but years in the future you reconcile in some way. Last winter during that big snow storm even though I was 21 and he was 20 we went out at night to the local hill together to go sledding like we used to. Nobody else was there and after a while we got tired of walking up the hill and took a rest and started talking about what went wrong and why we sort of grew apart as friends. I live in another state now and am engaged so I have little time to communicate with him or hang out these days but he had changed once again and grew out of his high school phase, realized what was going on and how he alienated me, and it was nice to talk about it.

If you don't think you'll marry this girl then keep going the way you're going and don't take a stand for her. Either your friends will drive her to a point where she says to you "ITS THEM OR ME" and all you can say is "But I've been friends with them since I was XXXXX" and it'll mess up your relationship with her, or with some luck they'll just continue bickering until eventually you find another girl. Its easy to play 3rd party guy but if I learned anything from my experiences one side or the other is going to put you in a situation where you have to take a side one way or another, and relationships may hinge on it.

If you side with her and your friends respond poorly to you asking them to lay off her with their stupid sense of humor, they may become distant for some time, but they'll change again before college is done, perhaps for the better and you can all be friends again. Who knows, its hard to judge what people will think or do or give you sound advice when I know so little about the situation and the character of those involved.

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FYI, you accidentally typed her real name at the beginning of your 5th paragraph. And I agree with Burgold, it sounds like your friends are more at fault here than she is. And you really need to stop going to your room and hiding from the situation, thinking it will get better. It won't unless you confront it.

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Doesn't really matter what advice we give you.

Something is missing from your story.

You want your girl or your boys ? Is that really the point here?

You can't have both it seems. The only way to make it happen is to talk to them... not us. And talk to them individually, not as a group. Save that for a last resort.

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FYI, you accidentally typed her real name at the beginning of your 5th paragraph. And I agree with Burgold, it sounds like your friends are more at fault here than she is. And you really need to stop going to your room and hiding from the situation, thinking it will get better. It won't unless you confront it.

I was wondering "Who the **** is Michelle?"

While I understand that you are not a "forceful" person, you need to grow a pair and tell the boys to act accordingly around your girl, If you have been friends this long, they SHOULD understand. OR you could tell your girl to lighten up and have a sense of humor. Either way, it seems that you are coming to a point in your life where you are going to have to choose. Like a previous poster said "Good times". Every man eventually goes through it. Good luck

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Maybe C is really upset because this Michelle girl is over a lot.

:ols: Well done.

My advice would be to talk to all 3 of them together. I realize that's "grown-up" and boring to do, but it might help. First, I'd talk to your 2 friends separately and give them what you believe is your girlfriend's POV. Then, I'd talk to your girlfriend separately and give them your friends' POV.

After that, have a little conversation where everyone is told that they are very important to you and you'd like everyone to get along. At the same time, you might have to realize that you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't ALWAYS have all 3 of them around you at all times. She's a girl and that's going to get annoying to your friends. They have the right to be crude and obnoxious at your age. At the same time, that's not fun for your girlfriend all the time either.

You need to do a better job of segmenting your life so that everyone gets some one-on-one time with you as well as this group time.

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Easy solution to this one. You can't hang out with your girl and your buddies at the same time. Very few people can. And IMHO sitting down and having a kumbaya type meeting is not going to help.

There's no reason you shouldn't be able to hang out with both at the same time, but it sounds like his friends are pretty immature compared to him right now.

In my experience it's harder to maintain friendships with your single friends when you are in a relationship, especially for guys who tend to act very differently around their single guy friends than they do around their girlfriends.

Bottom line, you know how your girlfriend feels about all this, now you need to ask friends and see what their deal is. Either they have a problem with C or they are just mad that a girl is taking up so much of your time.

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IMO go to M & P without C around just just give them an honest, "Hey guys, can you tone it down a little when C is around". If they are as good friends as you say and have known you for as long as they have they should be more than willing to bite back on some of the "a hole humor" to make your life easier. Also talk to C on the side and tell her that they're your friends and that they are like brothers to you; she's simply going to have to grow a thicker skin if she wants to be in your circle. If you approach it like this, non-combatively, and either side has a problem with it then they aren't who you thought they were.

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the solution seems REALLY simply.

Stop living with M (Or P...I lost track).

Not stop being friends with them - Just stop living with them. Move to a different place. Who cares why.

1) That way you can hang out with M and P without C, or C without M or P, or Q without U...or whatever.

2) All of them, not being forced to see the other person ALL the time might make them get along better. You said one of your friends has a crude sense of humor? Your girl might not like that when she is chilling on the couch with her BF, but she might find it funny hanging out at a bar or over dinner out (Which is the only time they would then see each other).

Right now - Poor M is forced to see C ALL the time, even when he just wants to hang in his apt. And C is forced to see M and P all the time, even when she just wants to be with her BF....

Move out. Move out quickly. (FYI - It won't hurt your friendship. I had a great friend in college that we lived together and it sucked, We moved out, and have been friends for the next 15 years without missing a beat).

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I going to go the other way with this just for the hell of it. I would say ditch the girl and maybe ditch the friends too. You are in a big school and there is tons to learn about yourself. You are young and Auburn is a great school. Sometimes high school needs to stay high school. Maybe it is time to move on. It seems to me from what I have read that your girl is not gelling at Auburn and maybe a big school is not her vibe. Did she go there because you were there or was it her first choice? Hate to say and it is a cruel reality, but people change all the time and I am sure everyone can agree that a lot of people change after high school. Some if it may suck at first, but it will help you grow in the long run. Everyone has been through stuff like this you are not alone.

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FYI, you accidentally typed her real name at the beginning of your 5th paragraph. And I agree with Burgold, it sounds like your friends are more at fault here than she is. And you really need to stop going to your room and hiding from the situation, thinking it will get better. It won't unless you confront it.

:ols: I KNEW I was going to do that!

I appreciate everyone's advice with this... it means a lot. It would take forever for me to quote everyone and respond to them.

I going to go the other way with this just for the hell of it. I would say ditch the girl and maybe ditch the friends too. You are in a big school and there is tons to learn about yourself. You are young and Auburn is a great school. Sometimes high school needs to stay high school. Maybe it is time to move on. It seems to me from what I have read that your girl is not jellying at Auburn and maybe a big school is not her vibe. Did she go there because you were there or was it her first choice? Hate to say and it is a cruel reality, but people change all the time and I am sure everyone can agree that a lot of people change after high school. Some if it may suck at first, but it will help you grow in the long run. Everyone has been through stuff like this you are not alone.

Sadly, I've been thinking about that a little. It seems like an easy solution. But I've had these friends way too long and see myself being with this girl for years to come.

I don't know what you know about your girlfriend- and I didn't say feel because feelings can blind you to facts. Is this the girl you're going to marry? Is this a person who would make a good wife in the role that you expect a wife to play complementary to yourself (similar goals involving family, where to live, work situation)? Is this your wife to be, or is this someone you love but who might not be a good partner in life? Are you going to stay with this girl for the rest of your life?

I can see myself being with this girl for a very long time, and very possibly marrying her. That's what really makes this hard.

Whoever gave me the advice to "grow a pair" basically nailed it on the head. It's really all I have to do. I'm simply going to have to bring it up one day to my friends to just not act so dumb. Somehow try to convince them that most of the time, girls don't really like the obnoxious sense of humor that they've grown to have.

Yeah, no one really like that. Is the reason for their changes in behavior due to alcohol or other stuff? Assuming their good guys, otherwise why would you choose them as friends, I think they deserve to be told. After all, they might just think they're being funny and could honestly be blind to it. I know that men, including myself, can sometimes be really stupid when it comes to how they come across.

Alcohol and drugs don't really have much to do with it, which I know sounds surprising since we're in college. They've just... changed. It's weird.

As for the girl, it's possible that she's got those first year blues... some people take a while to adjust to college and it's harder for them to be away from home... maybe that's why she hasn't made those friends and maybe she's extra dependent on you. If you are her only friend and lifeline jealousy could be a factor in her annoyance as well (though Lord knows I am the last person who should give relationship advice)

I think you're exactly right. I didn't realize it, because despite going home a lot on weekends to see my girlfriend, I still had a decent first year and really fell in love with the school. But now that I've been here three semesters I realize that a lot of people really struggle as a freshman. I think this is my girlfriend's problem... I am her only real "lifeline" besides her roommate (who goes home on weekends all the time, like I did last year). I'm really hoping it's easier for her this semester.

I really appreciate everyone's advice. It's been helpful. It's good to know that if I need advice about my personal life that can't really be discussed with friends, that I can go here.

Hail.

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I think you're exactly right. I didn't realize it, because despite going home a lot on weekends to see my girlfriend, I still had a decent first year and really fell in love with the school. But now that I've been here three semesters I realize that a lot of people really struggle as a freshman. I think this is my girlfriend's problem... I am her only real "lifeline" besides her roommate (who goes home on weekends all the time, like I did last year). I'm really hoping it's easier for her this semester.

She needs to make sure you are not her only friend on campus. It will start to take a toll on your relationship really fast if you guys don't address it. The best thing she can do is to get involved in some clubs or activities which introduce her to new people and give her something to do besides homework and hanging out with you. It's not just going to magically happen, especially after the first semester when everyone else has developed their friend groups.

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