MD: Tis the Season to Get Falling Down Drunk - Holiday Hints for Hooch Heads

[China]

Tis the Season to Get Falling Down Drunk - Holiday Hints for Hooch Heads

Gift Tips

Whenever you open a non-liquor gift, loudly proclaim, “Oh, great, how the **** am I supposed to drink this?”

They’ll know what to get you next year.

If you’re forced to go to your employee Christmas party, always try to blackout.

Because no one wants to spend their Christmas vacation knowing for sure why they got fired.

If you buy a bottle of liquor as a gift and accidentally drink half of it, just tell the giftee it’s a bottle and a personality test.

If he says it’s half full, he’s an optimist. If he says it’s half empty, he’s a dick.

If you receive three ****tail shakers every Christmas, you are a drunkard.

If you receive ten, get ready for an intervention.

Don’t worry if you hate wrapping presents, because your favorite store provides free gift wrapping.

Just give the brown bag a little twist around the neck of the bottle and hey! All done!

Ironically enough, if you give your favorite bartender a bartending guide as a present he will not give you a free drink for at least a month.

Nor will your significant other appreciate a copy of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sex.”

Family Gatherings

Don’t freak out if it’s your turn bring the Christmas Turkey to a family gathering.

Just make sure you buy the two-liter family-sized bottle so there’s enough to go around.

After eight of your “these-are-for-daddies-only” eggnogs, try to refrain from telling your children you are going to shoot Santa off the roof of your house when he lands.

While their shrieks of terror may seem funny at the time, it will directly affect the quality of nursing home you will be eventually shipped off to.

If your more religious relatives try to pin you down about your drinking habits at a family gathering, always tell them, “Hope you don’t mind, but I’m gonna keep prayin’ for ya!”

For some reason it drives them crazy.

Holiday Fun and Games

]If you and your buddies must drive around winging snowballs at winos, at least pack the snowballs around little airplane bottles of liquor.

This way they’ll tell people, “Yeah, Santa exists, but he’s a mean mother****er.”

If you’re drunk enough, heckling Christmas carolers will seem about the coolest thing in the world.

Especially if you can get them to cry.

Spread the holiday cheer by going to your favorite bar dressed as Santa Claus.

Because nobody under-pours Santa. Nobody.

You can’t get drunk on rum cake.

But don’t let that stop you from telling your 13-year-old nephew that it’ll get him “wicked hammered,” so long as he eats the entire cake in fifteen minutes.

Click on the link for more