Grieving Process, Suggestions to get through?

[Btubes18]

Hey all,

I did a search and did not find much on this, but I recently lost my mother unexpectedly. I think I am having trouble with the grieving process. At first, I think was still in shock, and concentrating on being there for my Dad.

But just in the past two weeks or so, I haven't been able to sleep, I can't stop thinking about death and the purpose of life. I have read a couple books and I am trying to setup an appointment to speak with my church pastor. It definitely comes in waves and sometimes is very painful, like my mind is everywhere. I am pretty sure this is part of the grieving process, but I guess I feel a little odd since my mom died almost two months ago.

About two weeks after my mom died, my dad had to go through major heart surgery, and I also started a new job with in the next few weeks. Could this have delayed the process?

I wanted to get some opinions from people who have lost a loved one, and maybe get some more idea's on how to get through it. As I said, I am going to try and get some church counseling.

I never thought it would be this hard.

Also, any tips on being able to get to sleep...

Thanks guys.

[TD_washingtonredskins]

Thankfully, I don't have any experience in this department. However, I wanted to chime in and say that I'm sorry for your loss. You're way too young to have to deal with this. Good luck with the process, but I would say that you shouldn't rush it...feel how you feel and work with it, it's natural to be sad!

Thoughts and prayers...

[SnyderShrugged]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Many prayers for you and your family.

Have you tried local grief counselors at maybe your church (or any church for that matter?)

[twa]

I believe talking about it helps as well as sharing your feelings with others

lost both of mine yrs ago and there are still bad days

[Btubes18]

I believe talking about it helps as well as sharing your feelings with others

lost both of mine yrs ago and there are still bad days

I think you are right, I was able to really talk to my girlfriend about more on what I was feeling and thinking and I believe it helped.

In the book I read, it said it can take a very long time.

I appreciate everyone's inputs. Definitely trying to get a hold of a church counselor.

[Teller]

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. And I don't think your reaction to it is at all unreasonable. Afterall, our mothers are the most important people in our lives from the very beginning. That may change over time, with things like marriage, the birth of children, etc, but mom always remains a best friend and advocate.

I think reading as much as you can about the grieving process was a great first step, and it shows your personal strength and effort to deal with your grief on your own. And while I respect that tremendously, I respect even more your decision to go talk to your pastor. It's very difficult to admit that we're having difficulty handling something ourselves as adults, but it can also be very healthy and productive.

I wish I could give you some "magic pill" or some brilliant suggestion as to how to deal with your loss. Unfortunately, I can't. I would simply suggest that you be completely honest with your pastor. Tell him/her exactly how you feel and don't hold back. That will give him/her the best possible opportunity to help you.

May our Good Lord bring you His peace in this incredibly difficult time. I wish you all the best.

[MassSkinsFan]

Btubes,

First, sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad about 8 years ago, and it was really tough. Normally I'm not that emotional of a guy, but in this case I cried a lot. It would just hit me, and unless it was a situation where I was expected to act professionally, I just let it happen. If I was hanging out with my wife, it was fine. If I was with friends, I'd just excuse myself and head somewhere private.

This may sound pretty lame to you, but I didn't care. I have nothing to prove to anyone about whether or not I'm tough. And in fact, I think this was really helpful, because instead of bottling up the pain, I got to feel it in a real way, when it was there.

I know what you're saying about it coming in waves, and about your mind being all over the place. Don't fight that - let it happen. It's not fun, but it's good I think.

As for the not sleeping - it sounds like your mind is racing. Reading helps me distract myself from that. If you have other ways of calming yourself that have worked in the past, try those.

Good luck - lean on the people around you who are your friends. They'll understand and they'll help. Hang in there!

[addicted]

I lost my Mom on Thanksgiving night 5 years ago to Diabetties.

My suggestions to you are these

No one grieves the same. There is no wrong was to grieve. Don't give yourself more stress because your not grieving as you thought you should. You are going through too much right now and your emotions are in overload from your waking moment to your last second of conscienceness. So remember to give yourself a break.

I am a man and as a man it's unusual to see another man breaking down in public, at work, or anywhere. One thing I did when my thoughts were too much and my eyes wanted to cry was to breathe and exhale open mouthed which brought me back into my present conscience and then I would tell myself not now and allow my emotional release at a more appropriate time. Many a day I drove home with tears rolling down my face. The point is you allow yourself to grieve but remember not every situation you are in allows for that. Don't hold it in. Just find places to release

Don't fall into the "I know what your going through" stuff. I'm sorry if anyone is offended by this but losing your Mother is second only to losing your own child in terms of death. At least to me it is. I lost my grandparent and it hurt like hell but nothing like losing my Mom. I do not believe that anyone knows what it would be like to lose your Mother unless you've lost yours. I've never stopped griving and you probably won't either. I think about her all the time and still talk to her. I really don't care if she can't answer me. I want to talk with her so I do. Don't do that around other people or they will think you crazy but it works for me. Maybe try it.

Always stay in the moment. Don't think about the future right now. Remember you only have today. Love your family and talk with them about this. Don't rush things like removing clothing from closets until your ready. My Dad didn't remove Moms stuff for 3 years. They were together for 27 years, and you know what? That's ok. Just take it slow.

[Btubes18]

HH and Mass,

Thank you guys for the inputs. It definitely helps to see how other people have dealt with it. I think you are right, I have been bottling a lot of this up inside and not just letting it out...really not even crying. I think just letting go in the appropiate situations maybe very beneficial.

The not fighting the feelings is probably a great idea, as I have been fighting them for a few weeks now, trying different tricks to get my mind off of things so that I can sleep.

Again, thanks guys. I truly appreciate the advice.

[TradeTheBeal!]

Lost my father a few years ago and, yea, it can be pretty tough. Talk about it with your friends, have a few good cries, lift a few mugs to the good times, and throw yourself into your work.

That's the best I can give you. Good luck.

[ABQCOWBOY]

There is a very old saying, "Time Heals All." I don't know that the lose of a parent is ever fully healed but I know that time is the only thing that eases the pain.

Get up every day, go to school, go to work, take care of your family and your loved ones, continue to take care of your business. Eventually, you get passed it but it's part of life. Take comfort in the fact that your Mother would rather see you well and happy as opposed to grieving and neglecting life.

That is all I have on the subject other then stay strong and I wish you well.

[MassSkinsFan]

The not fighting the feelings is probably a great idea, as I have been fighting them for a few weeks now, trying different tricks to get my mind off of things so that I can sleep.

Again, thanks guys. I truly appreciate the advice.

In my personal experience, after I got through some of those tough patches, I was completely exhausted. That made it easier to sleep.

[Btubes18]

I lost my Mom on Thanksgiving night 5 years ago to Diabetties.

My suggestions to you are these

No one grieves the same. There is no wrong was to grieve. Don't give yourself more stress because your not grieving as you thought you should. You are going through too much right now and your emotions are in overload from your waking moment to your last second of conscienceness. So remember to give yourself a break.

I am a man and as a man it's unusual to see another man breaking down in public, at work, or anywhere. One thing I did when my thoughts were too much and my eyes wanted to cry was to breathe and exhale open mouthed which brought me back into my present conscience and then I would tell myself not now and allow my emotional release at a more appropriate time. Many a day I drove home with tears rolling down my face. The point is you allow yourself to grieve but remember not every situation you are in allows for that. Don't hold it in. Just find places to release

Don't fall into the "I know what your going through" stuff. I'm sorry if anyone is offended by this but losing your Mother is second only to losing your own child in terms of death. At least to me it is. I lost my grandparent and it hurt like hell but nothing like losing my Mom. I do not believe that anyone knows what it would be like to lose your Mother unless you've lost yours. I've never stopped griving and you probably won't either. I think about her all the time and still talk to her. I really don't care if she can't answer me. I want to talk with her so I do. Don't do that around other people or they will think you crazy but it works for me. Maybe try it.

Always stay in the moment. Don't think about the future right now. Remember you only have today. Love your family and talk with them about this. Don't rush things like removing clothing from closets until your ready. My Dad didn't remove Moms stuff for 3 years. They were together for 27 years, and you know what? That's ok. Just take it slow.

Addicted,

Thank you very much for sharing...you are right, I just need to live in today...I am thinking way to much about the future and what happens after death and questions that I cannot answer nor anyone. I think that may be my biggest issue just to not think about the future. I definitely think you are right about losing your mother. I was pretty close with her growing up, but in the past few years we had started to drift farther apart. I lost my grandpa when I was about 15, and I don't remember hurting this much. It's like I have a lot of unanswered questions, which hopefully a pastor will help with.

[mcsluggo]

I don't have much ADVICE to offer per se, just understanding.

I was a basket case for more than a year when my mom died unexpectedly (I also had a good friend commit suicide at about the same time). It really took a very long time to get out of the funk. In end, i uprooted and went to China for a several months to teach, and the total change of scenery (change of EVERYTHING) kind of allowed me to re-establish my grounding. It ain't easy.

Honestly, I will say I was permanantly changed by that year. Call it growing up, i don't know. But i have never been as care free as I was before. and it has been more than a decade, and i still well up completely unexpectedly at times.

I hope you have sombody you can unload on/with. As a grown man, I felt like an absolute tool bawling my eyes out on my wife's shoulders... but it really helped

[skinscountry]

First off I am really sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad about three years ago on Easter Weekend and than my Grandfather on Thanksgiving weekend of the same year. The first thing I would tell you is talk to someone and just let it out. Setting up an appointment with a Pastor is a good idea. Sometimes talking to someone that is not part of your family about something like this is good so you can just let everything out that you want to say and won't feel the need to hide your feelings you know. As far as it getting better it will . I still have times when I have something make me think about my Dad like a song or something and will get teary eyed for a bit. Just talk someone if you can like the Pastor or a Counselor and my thoughts are with you. Take care.

[Heisenberg]

Really sorry to hear about your loss.

I'd offer advice but I don't know if I can - I'd be a wreck if I lost a parent right now.

[Bang]

Sorry for the loss of your mom, it must be tough.

I would not shy away from talking to a therapist. The stigmas that surround it aren't so much anymore, and it can really help you.

~Bang

[Teller]

Really sorry to hear about your loss.

I'd offer advice but I don't know if I can - I'd be a wreck if I lost a parent right now.

I can tell you that 10 years from now, you'll feel the same way. Having to even consider my mother's mortality is very stressful. I can't imagine my life without her in it.

You grow up. You move away. You become your own person. But mom is always mom. And dad is always dad.

Forgive the story, but I think it's appropriate here.

When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, she said, "I'll fight this with everything I have, but if I find out that it has spread, I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going through years of chemo to die anyway."

I told her that ultimately it was her decision, but that I'm not prepared to say, "OK, I'm content to face life without you in it." I was essentially telling her that I would not support that decision, as hard as that was to do under the circumstances.

Thank the Good Lord it didn't come to that. But I'm not ashamed to admit that as a 36-year old man, I still very much need my mom in my life.

[Tarpon75]

Very sorry for your loss. I would say that what your are going through is normal and that your seem to be heading in the right direction.I have lost my father but my mom is still alive,thankfully.I would say that meeting with your pastor is a is a very positive thing to do.Pray and ask God to help you through and if you have brothers, sisters,or other close family members cling together as much as possible.Time does help. May God Bless You!

[Heisenberg]

I can tell you that 10 years from now, you'll feel the same way. Having to even consider my mother's mortality is very stressful. I can't imagine my life without her in it.

You grow up. You move away. You become your own person. But mom is always mom. And dad is always dad.

Forgive the story, but I think it's appropriate here.

When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, she said, "I'll fight this with everything I have, but if I find out that it has spread, I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going through years of chemo to die anyway."

I told her that ultimately it was her decision, but that I'm not prepared to say, "OK, I'm content to face life without you in it." I was essentially telling her that I would not support that decision, as hard as that was to do under the circumstances.

Thank the Good Lord it didn't come to that. But I'm not ashamed to admit that as a 36-year old man, I still very much need my mom in my life.

Good to know but kind of scary at the same time.

It's a horrible thought and I'm sorry the OP is having to go through this.

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[Btubes18]

Wow guys, thanks so much for the support and stories. Not to be a sap, but it good to be able to hear from people that have gone through. I mean i guess everyone dies, I just never really thought a ton about it until my mom passed...now it's all I can think about.

[dockeryfan]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

What you described sounds completely normal. And everyone grieves differently, so there is no magic pill.

Personally I like to do volunteer work to get me through. Help others, and you get the unexpected benefit of helping yourself.

[Huly]

First off I am sorry for your loss but you are already heading in the right direction by asking for help. I am going to let you in on the biggest skeleton in my closet as I hope it might help.

When I was 12 my brother was 21 and he was killed at the Air Force Academy as he was hot by a car. Within five minutes of us being notified my life changed forever and I to this day do not deal with death very well at all.

At that time my father also had a heart condition and a family friend/ one of my dad's doctors was so worried we were going to lose my dad that he told me to becareful what I said to my dad. During the funeral proceedings I went through a denial period. I kept telling people that was not my brother and to go find my brother. Secondly my middle school was next to the gravesite so I had to see it daily. My parents quickly moved me to a private school.

I learned to put on a mask I would be crying inside but smiling on the outside. If anyone mentioned my brother I would leave the room and 99% of my new friends did not even know I had a brother till they saw a picture at my parents house. I even went so far as to say I was an only child as I could not mention the situation.

As I got older I would work 80 hour weeks during the holidays (my brother was killed between Thanksgiving and Christmas). I hated the Holidays. In college a few friends found out about the situation when I would have a breakdown moment during the holidays after a night of drinking but that was the only time anyone would see me crack.

18 years later I was at a Redskin game and they had a fly over. Since my brother's funeral was a military funeral (flyover etc as he was training to be a pilot) I flashed back to being that 12 year old kid at the funeral and I ran to the concourse crying. I realized I can not be the first one crying at a redskin game before the game even starts and I could not live my life like this anymore. A few days later I was trying to think of my brother and I tried to start the grieving process on my own. I realized I no longer remembered my brother. If I look at a photo of him I no longer feel a connection. I was beyond embarrased. How could I forget my own brother. Being a Govt. employee I called our Employee Assistance Program. They put me intouch with a therapist that handled adults and juveniles.

I spent a year in therapy from twice a week to once a week to every other week. My therapist told me that within five minutes of receiving word my brother was gone that it was too much pain for a 12 year old kid and I completely shut down. When I did speak of my brother to him I still talked like a 12 year old child describing the situation. He also met with my parents and told them there was nothing they could do as one I hid it from them and two I was already gone and there was no way anyone could get me the help I needed till I was ready to get help. My memories are so buried that I will most likely never get them back. I am no longer embarassed by this as it just proves I loved my brother so much that when I lost him the grief a 12 year felt was too much to bear that I locked them away in a safe place in my heart.

The only reason you are hearing my story is thanks to a year of therapy an a awesome therapist. He knew how to handle the 12 year old child in me and the adult I had become. I still do not remember my brother nor do I feel any attachment to photos but I can tell people I had a brother and this is my story. I can now listen to stories about how great of a person he is and how much he was loved by all.

I highly reccomend that you speak to someone. It needs to be someone you are comfortable with yet it might be better talking to a stranger then a friend. I hope my story helps you deal with your grief and I hope you receive the help you need. One thing to remember is time will not heal this wound. You only learn to deal with the pain better.

[The Tris]

I lost my father to a heart attack when I was 17, then spent the next several years self medicating. It took many broken relationships and plenty of self destructive behavior before I finally admitted to myself that I could not process my grief on my own, and eventually sought professional help four years after the fact.

I can't agree with Huly more. You need to TALK to someone you can trust. Whether it is a professional, a strong influence in your life, a pastor, or someone else, you have to open yourself up to discuss your emotions and feelings. For males, we all try and swallow up the sadness, and keep going with our lives, and the emotion will eventually eat you up. It could be years from now when something finally unlocks that emotion, and it can be very painful and difficult to process.

So for me, and for other people in my family, we each had to open up and deal with it, individually, and with our own professional. And the only way to do that is to talk about the person you lost. It's going to be painful at first, but ultimately it helps so so much. I would not be where I am today with out the year I spent addressing my emotions.

[Btubes18]

Huly,

Thank you so much for telling us about your event. Honestly, just made me get a tear to the eye. Thanks for all the tips on how to deal with things. It's weird I have been out with friends, and that seems to get my mind off of things, and then I am able to sleep at night. It's just when I am in my normal routine of things, my mind goes crazy with thoughts.

You are definitely right about the time issue, because the longer my mom has been gone the harder it's been personally. Hopefully, I will learn to not think about it as much.