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Extremeskins

Just need a vent


chascougs

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Long story short, my wife and I seperated back in Jan 07, we have 3 kids b/g twins who will be 9 next week and another daughter 6. We fought over the divorce for well over 2 years finally reaching an agreement back in March of this year. She is the custodial parent but I have liberal vistitation including and I quote from the divorce papers " 4 weeks during summer vacation. Defendant (me) has an affirmative duty to inform Plaintiff no later than April 30 of each year of his intended plans". Well I forwarded her the dates on April 29th. The first week is to begin Wed June 16th. I made hotel reservations in Orlando, bought Disney tickets, arranged for a mini-family reunion in Orlando that week, and talk the trip up with the kids for the last 6 weeks. Last Sat receive a text from the ex that she will not make the kids available to me on Wed, that my week must run from Sun to Sun. I went back to my attorney and he fired off a letter stating that if she insists on violating the divorce agreement we will be forced to rule her into court and ask that she be found in contempt.

Ok, now the part that's got me pissed, Tonight when I'm talking to my kids, all three ask why I'm trying to throw mommy in jail...once again she is discussing our disagreements with the kids. How in the hell do you justify bringing a pair of 9 year olds and a 6 year old into this type of situation. I told all three that I love them and that their mom loves them and that they shouldn't worry about this, that Mommy and Daddy just can't agree on something and sometimes when you can't agree, you have to get someone else to decide. I then told them that it was wrong for their mother to talk about this with them. This isn't the first time this has happened.

I made a conscious decision to watch my tongue at the outset of the divorce. I insisted and still do that no one in my family say a negative thing about the ex when the kids are around.....but I tell you it gets harder and harder. Sometimes I just wanna crawl thru the phone and punch her right in the head and say what the hell is the matter with you? Okay rant over....thanks for listening...just needed a place to vent for a bit.

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Man that sucks when your having to deal with all that crap.

FWIW, it sounds like your both way better off divorced from her, and by far the better person who can still hold his head up high through it all. Using the kids as a pawn against one parent is a low down move that she should be ashamed of. Your **** is your ****. You DON'T bring the kids in to it.

Sorry your getting this crap man. Why can't people just be amicable? You guys tried, it didn't work, you move on. What you don't do is play the other off to the kids.

Hail.

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At what age do you stop BSing the kids and respect the fact that they aren't and never will be oblivious to what is going on?

It's not BS'ing. He should continue to be respectful of her regardless of how she behaves. The kids aren't oblivious and each will figure it out in their own time. My wife's uncle went through the same thing with both his ex and her parents pulling all kinds of crap like this. His son is now 19 and probably figured it out around 12 or 13.

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I swear, I must be reminded at least once a week by ES to never get married. Sorry for the position you're in, bro.

Well, at least never to have kids.

That's really tough, man. Even in a divorce, when you make an agreement to do something, you gotta follow through on it.

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Sorry to hear, I feel for you, and hope it works out in your favor.

My ex talks crap about me and my family to my son and he is only 5. It is difficult, but stay the path and keep doing what you are. In the end your kids will decide on their own what to think about it all.

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Awh, Kosher kids are great. It's the parents that **** it up man. I'd never regret having my 2 yo daughter, she is a ****ing laugh riot right now.

I love kids. I have 2 nephews and a niece that I spoil rotten, along with 2 young cousins (6 and 10) and 2 god children. I just don't want any of my own and neither does my lady.

And yes, it is mostly the parents that screw up kids.

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It's not BS'ing. He should continue to be respectful of her regardless of how she behaves. The kids aren't oblivious and each will figure it out in their own time. My wife's uncle went through the same thing with both his ex and her parents pulling all kinds of crap like this. His son is now 19 and probably figured it out around 12 or 13.

So the idea is that if someone hears one side of a story their entire life they will eventually figure out that everything they've been told their entire life was BS? I'm not sure that's rational to be honest, forget smart. I have real world examples too. My wife for example grew up thinking her dad was something he wasn't and started to find out things were different after he died and his new family started providing details that she'd never known. Too late now.

But forget the anecdotal stuff. Let's just view it logically. If a child is told through out it's formative years that things are one way and that agenda is never challenged what is the reasoning for assuming that they'll just know better? I certainly am know expert and this stuff has always left me scratching my head.

How are you suggesting he handle it?

I was raised to respect the truth. My parents were straight with me when something was wrong in the house because one day I told them that being treated like an idiot was far more stressful than just finding out what the hell was going on. The question I have is when are they old enough to know mom is lying to them so that they can start to formulate a more accurate view of reality?

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Sucks to be in your situation. Good luck to you.

I'd just tell your kids that you bought them tickets to Disney Land but they can't go because their mother won't let them. Let the kids ask why she won't let them go to Disney Land. Let them figure out that their own mother is being unreasonable.

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If I had a quarter for everytime I heard about a custody situation that played out like this, I'd be posting from my yacht in the Bahamas right now.

It's part of our lot in life, buddy. Get boned in family court, and spend our lives being the ones to take the high road.

I pray that your kids and mine will figure out the truth for themselves.

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Keep continuing with the high road. Been my experience through my own parents broken marriage as well as many friends in similar situations,that the the kids do in fact figure things out on their own. And they do just fine with that realization. Sometimes makes the relationship with the parent that does take the high road that much closer. And anything thing is better than being a kid caught in the middle,(to say nothing of not being THAT PERSON and getting the kids caught up even more in things by this form of manipulation). Just my 2 cents.

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Seriously, what woman doesn't allow their kids to go to Disney World? That's one of the greatest experiences a kid can ever have. What is her reasoning for this? And btw, I wouldn't let this slide. I would rectify this any way possible. If you don't, she'll likely keep pulling this crap.

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So the idea is that if someone hears one side of a story their entire life they will eventually figure out that everything they've been told their entire life was BS? I'm not sure that's rational to be honest, forget smart. I have real world examples too. My wife for example grew up thinking her dad was something he wasn't and started to find out things were different after he died and his new family started providing details that she'd never known. Too late now.

But forget the anecdotal stuff. Let's just view it logically. If a child is told through out it's formative years that things are one way and that agenda is never challenged what is the reasoning for assuming that they'll just know better? I certainly am know expert and this stuff has always left me scratching my head.

I was raised to respect the truth. My parents were straight with me when something was wrong in the house because one day I told them that being treated like an idiot was far more stressful than just finding out what the hell was going on. The question I have is when are they old enough to know mom is lying to them so that they can start to formulate a more accurate view of reality?

Destino, There is a psychological need for children to believe that their parents are ok (stable, secure, capable...). If children sense that one of their parents is screwed up it's going to make them feel insecure. If they think mom's is f'ed up, who's going to take care of them?

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Destino, There is a psychological need for children to believe that their parents are ok (stable, secure, capable...). If children sense that one of their parents is screwed up it's going to make them feel insecure. If they think mom's is f'ed up, who's going to take care of them?

So the logic is that allowing them to believe one of their parents is a monster is better than exposing them to the reality that humans are imperfect. I can see how that's a sacrifice people can talk themselves into accepting. Makes one seem heroic.

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So the logic is that allowing them to believe one of their parents is a monster is better than exposing them to the reality that humans are imperfect. I can see how that's a sacrifice people can talk themselves into accepting. Makes one seem heroic.

No, its quite simple:

You don't badmouth someone else behind his/her back.

More importantly, you don't badmouth someone else behind his/her back to your kids.

Even more importantly, you don't badmouth your spouse behind his/her back to your kids.

In the first case you simply look petty.

In the second case you are additionally teaching your kids to be petty.

In the last case, you are additionally destabilizing your child's life.

When you have kids, it's not about you. It's about them. Telling your kids that things are complicated and they should not have to worry about what's going on is not lying to them. It's rightly telling them that they don't have to pick a side.

The first, and by far most important, rule in parenting is lead by example. The OP handled this exactly right. He was straightforward with his kids without acting like a jerk.

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You need to vent...not need a vent.

Missing the point.

Sorry to hear it, man. Unless the agreement says that it has to be from Sun-Sun, there's no restriction on when you can see them. You gave their mother plenty of time, and she waits 6 weeks to let you know she has a problem with it? That's messed up.

It would take a lot for me to not come back with "why don't you ask your mother why she's not letting me see you and take you to Disney?" I don't think I would say that, as I don't want to stoop to her level, but I would come awfully close to saying that.

Here's hoping things work out for you.

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Good post Henry. I think the OP is doing the right thing by explaining the situation while staying out of the petty games his ex is playing.

Kids, as they get older, will start to see things for what they are. If he was never around them, then he'd run the risk of them thinking he's a monster. But it sounds like he gets plenty of time with them for them to see who he is. As they get older, they'll realize that their mom's constant complaining about him is both annoying and inaccurate.

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