BigMike619 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'. 12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koolblue13 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 How does one fake rage in his own thread? Will we find out now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherick Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 LOL nice one "Eat me" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsOrlando Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 I lmao at number 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the counter and says: "Can you put me up for the night?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koolblue13 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 How does Jesus get all the chics? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Lol, that's one that needs to be told in person Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koolblue13 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Lol, that's one that needs to be told in person I'm not taking it any further. lol. I love that one though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the counter and says:"Can you put me up for the night?" that joke will always remind me of The Crow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#98QBKiller Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 that joke will always remind me of The Crow. I couldn't remember which movie I saw that in....I was thinking Boondock Saints Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 I couldn't remember which movie I saw that in....I was thinking Boondock Saints I remember him standing at the edge of the dude's bed and he just kept shooting him. "wont you ****ing die man?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
China Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Another, geared towards the holidays: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brianm23 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Why is it I got a warning for a Jew joke (specifically marked JOKE), yet this is allowed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
techboy Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Why is it I got a warning for a Jew joke (specifically marked JOKE), yet this is allowed? Because Christians have never been a persecuted minority in this country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teller Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Because Christians have never been a persecuted minority in this country. Your statement is true, but ONLY because of the qualifier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMike619 Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 look, i didnt mean for it to start a religious debate. i can just have it shut down if needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Jesus is on the cross when he starts to yell for Paul. Paul, being his ever humble servant tries to come to his savior. The Romans stop Paul, but when he tries to push through they cut his arm off. Still Jesus yells "Paul. Paul. Paul'." Again Paul tries to come to Jesus, just to have his other arm chopped off. And still Jesus yells "Paul. Paul. Paul." Well, at this point the Romans feel Paul can't really do any harm and let him through. Paul runs to Jesus saying "Yes my Lord, what may I do to ease your suffering." Jesus replies "Paul, I can see my house from up here." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsburySkinsFan Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Jesus is on the cross when he starts to yell for Paul. Paul, being his ever humble servant tries to come to his savior. The Romans stop Paul, but when he tries to push through they cut his arm off. Still Jesus yells "Paul. Paul. Paul'." Again Paul tries to come to Jesus, just to have his other arm chopped off. And still Jesus yells "Paul. Paul. Paul." Well, at this point the Romans feel Paul can't really do any harm and let him through. Paul runs to Jesus saying "Yes my Lord, what may I do to ease your suffering." Jesus replies "Paul, I can see my house from up here." Paul wasn't a convert until some time after Jesus ascended into Heaven and after Pentecost, switch it to John or Peter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rincewind Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Paul wasn't a convert until some time after Jesus ascended into Heaven and after Pentecost, switch it to John or Peter. First, its been so long since I've heard that joke that it probably was supposed to be Peter (I believe it actually says it was his most loyal apostle - so maybe it was Biff). Second. :finger: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherick Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 ^^ I knew that joke in spanish and it is John, hilarious joke btw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherick Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Jesus was crucified along with two thieves, one on each side of him. Jesus turns his head to one side and says: "Dimas, come her closer to me, son." Dimas says: "I can't Jesus, I'm stuck here on this cross and I can't move." Jesus then turns his head to the other side and says: "Gestas, come here closer to me, son." Gestas says: "I can't Jesus, I'm stuck here on this cross and I can't move." Jesus then says: "Aiight, screw you two then, you won't be on the picture!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkinsBry Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 The Three Wisemen arrive at the manger to see the newborn, when the one Wiseman stubs his toe against a rock. He yells out, "Jesus Christ!" Mary turns to Joseph and says, "Hey, that's alot better than Clyde." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koolblue13 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 rincewind dies and goes to heaven. St Peter walks him down a hallway and in the first room is zoony with this dog ugly woman having sex with him. rince asks what he did so wrong and St Pete says when zoony was young he used to kick dogs and chase to many girls. They go a little further and in the next room is Perdicto with an even uglier woman. rince asks what he did so wrong and St Pete mutters something about his voting record and policies that only hurt the environment in an unrepairable way and they continue down. In the next room is Big Mike and he is with Megan Fox and rince asks what the deal is. St Peter turns to him and says when Megan was little she used to ................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
techboy Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Your statement is true, but ONLY because of the qualifier. I always try to use the most precise language possible, but this really isn't the place for one of your tangents. The Three Wisemen arrive at the manger to see the newborn, when the one Wiseman stubs his toe against a rock. He yells out, "Jesus Christ!" Mary turns to Joseph and says, "Hey, that's alot better than Clyde." Watch it... Asbury's going to correct you next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teller Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 I always try to use the most precise language possible, but this really isn't the place for one of your tangents. Ouch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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