The really bad pun thread

[Burgold]

Puns can be fun or painful. Give it your best shot or your worst!

I've never understood why people say the Cowboys don't live in a liberal state. It's got to be a blue state. Why else would they call it Tax-us. Dallas, Tax-us.

I'll be dodging rotten eggs all night, folks.

Do better or much worse if ya can. I dare ya.

[SKINS@THEGOALLINE]

It is not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. :anon:

[Koolblue13]

This thread is not very punny Burgold.

[zoony]

I used to cut taxus for a living- I was good at it, should have run for office

:anon: :anon: :anon:

....

[Burgold]

Don't complain. Improve. Show us how it's done.

[China]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the

other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a

fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you

can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."

The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during

a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were

standing in the lobby discussing their rec ent tournament victories

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to

disperse "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,"

I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of

them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a

family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a

picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells

her husband that he wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband

responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so

they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked

to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought

the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,

but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They

ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and

most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the

friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't

close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can

prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the

time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also

ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he

suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's

good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different

puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make

them laug h. No pun in ten did

[China]

10 more.

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

3. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

4. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

5. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

6. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

7. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

8. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

9. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

10. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

[RVAbrendan]

Ah, Burgold, The incorrigible punster; Do not incorridge.

[Ray Brown]

why don't people starve in the desert?

they eat the sand which is there

[Dan T.]

Welp. China is King of the Puns.

Anyone who doesn't challenge China for the crown is Pun Chow Chicken.

[motorhead]

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

The model who joined the air force was a bombshell.

[Titaw]

Ladell would be a bad 'Betts' to start this week in Fantasy Football.

[Larry]

A pun, like a steak, is a rare medium, well done.

[Pwyl]

My eyes were bothering me so I went to the optimist, he said they were fine.

[Burgold]

Al was pissed, all he wanted was a turn. The manager kept passing him over for people who were better with the bat. After being skipped several times, he hopped over to the manager and screamed, "When you going to say You're in Al. When you going to say, You're in al."

[Kosher Ham]

#1 pick-up line in a gay bar :

"Can I push in your stool"?

[IONTOP]

How do you catch a polar bear?

Find a frozen lake, in the middle, cut a large hole (big enough for a polar bear) then place peas around the hole, wait until a polar bear comes. When he squats down to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole

[Larry]

How do you catch a polar bear?

Find a frozen lake, in the middle, cut a large hole (big enough for a polar bear) then place peas around the hole, wait until a polar bear comes. When he squats down to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole

You're in a cell in a tower. The cell has no openings of any kind. All it contains is a table and a mirror. How do you escape?

You look in the mirror, you see what you saw. You take out the saw, saw the table in half. Two halves make a whole, and you crawl out the hole.

Also, so it's not a pun. Big deal:

What does it mean when you find a bear with a cold nose?

It means you're too close to the bear.

[BigMike619]

work your fingers to the bone; whattya get?

boney fingers..

[d0ublestr0ker0ll]

A professional fighter was at his part-time job, waitering at a restaurant. A person he was serving started to get on his nerves. He wanted to get the guy to leave ASAP, so he went up and asked him, "you wanna box?"