Mental Health Opinion Needed

[Mass_SkinsFan]

Well, as I sit here I'm pretty sure I'm losing what small amount of my mind I might have had left. I'm being wracked by one of the emotions I'm not generally bothered by... GUILT... and I'm not sure exactly what to do about it. I've basically been told by everyone else involved in the situation that I'm totally over-reacting to what happened, but I really don't think so.....

Many of you know that I work at an electric utility company. Among my duties there is to act part-time as a System Operator, directing and overseeing the operation of electric switches in the field by our operations personnel.

Last Tuesday I was one of two people acting as System Operator for the day. As part of that job, I wrote a switching order for work to be performed on Wednesday. I wrote if for the specific work to be done, not realizing that if the order was written slightly differently that it could also be used to oversee additional operations that needed to be done to complete the larger scope of the work. The request had been made to write it for the larger scope of work but because of other circumstances I mistakenly wrote it for the more specific work area. Unfortunately when I faxed the approval of the application back to the workers I also failed to note the change on the paperwork.

On Wednesday the System Operator of the day (Tony) issued the order to do the work as I had written it, failing to realize when he reviewed the order that it had been written for the more specific rather than the more general work operations. The field worker (Ernie) cleared the order then asked about doing the more general work. Tony mistakenly indicated that if he reissued the previous order to Ernie that he could do the work on his own without having to give Ernie step-by-step instructions. If the order had been written in the more general fashion this WOULD have been true. Tony reissued the order to Ernie who then proceeded to switch a device that was outside of the work limits he'd been given, though they were inside the more general work limits he THOUGHT he'd been given, and that Tony thought he had given Ernie.

Suffice it to say that on Thursday it came to the attention of several people that a Switching Error had occured.... the fact that Ernie had switched a device outside of the work limits he'd been given.

Without going into great detail and further boring the hell out of everyone.... Tony, who's been doing this sort of work for nearly six years, got taken off the list of people authorized to switch for a week. Ernie, a 40+ year lineman, got reprimanded. I (the dumb, ****ing SOB who wrote the order wrong in the first place), who have only been doing this for about a year, essentially got told that it should have been caught by one of the two and to just be a little more careful in the future.

I don't think this is right. Hell, if anything I would say that I'm AT LEAST as much at fault as the other two. If I'd simply written the order the right way to begin with (which I know how to do, and just got myself focused on the wrong thing as I wrote) none of this would have ever happened. I've personally apologized to both Tony and Ernie. Both of them have basically told me to forget it and move on, and that they should have known better and paid more attention to the particulars of the job.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel like **** for what happened to those two guys because of what I consider to be my ****-up. Nobody got hurt. No customers lost power. No equipment was damaged. Hell, under the old switching rules this wouldn't even have been reported as an incident; but I still feel like a sack of **** because they got punished and I didn't.

Any SERIOUS advice, opinions or recomendations would be greatly appreciated.

-Scott

[Sarge]

Get over it. No one got hurt, and everyone makes mistakes. Just use it as a lesson for next time

[portisizzle]

Spend less time on Extreme??????

[DCsportsfan53]

A mistake is a mistake and it happens to everyone sooner or later. I think the fact that you apologized to them was a very classy thing to do and shows that you take your responsiblities seriously. Seeing as how they believe it to be water under the bridge I would say you accept it for what it is and move on. I'm sure they appreciate your sentiments towards them and respect the way you handled it. That's the important part. Everyone's going to make mistakes, the key is that you own up to them, accept responsibility and you've done that. Beyond that, the fact that the consequences they received evoked real emotions in you shows that you care about your responsiblities and your cowokers in a manner that is above and beyond the actual call of duty. Given the circumstances you've described, I can't imagine harobouring any ill will of losing a bit of respect for you as a coworker.

[Predicto]

Make every effort to own up to your superiors, if there is a way to do so. A minor incident like this will not hurt your career, but accepting the blame when you deserve it is often viewed as a positive, at least by a good employer.

If there isn't any good way to do this, then I would just write a quick memo about the incident and ask to have it put in Tony's and Ernie's personnel files, explaining that it wasn't their fault.

then buy them both a beer.

[twa]

Make a resolution to be perfect in the future and "forget it and move on, and that they should have known better and paid more attention to the particulars of the job"...you recognize your error,allow them to recognize their own.

They should have noticed the error and had anything extra needed authorized.

[Mass_SkinsFan]

Get over it. No one got hurt, and everyone makes mistakes. Just use it as a lesson for next time

Thanks for the insight Sarge. I've been hearing a lot of that in the last week Sarge, and for some reason it just doesn't help. I'm not sure why, but it just seems to me that is should be a bigger deal.

[Sarge]

Thanks for the insight Sarge. I've been hearing a lot of that in the last week Sarge, and for some reason it just doesn't help. I'm not sure why, but it just seems to me that is should be a bigger deal.

If you've heard it more than once, it's probably good advice. Had you NOT felt guilty, then you might have a problem

[Mass_SkinsFan]

Make every effort to own up to your superiors, if there is a way to do so. A minor incident like this will not hurt your career, but accepting the blame when you deserve it is often viewed as a positive, at least by a good employer.

That's already been done. We had the Incident Analysis meeting today and I went out of my way to play UP my part in the incident rather than playing it down; again to be told that mine was really a minor role in the problem.

It's not my career that I'm concerned about. These field workers put their lives and their safety into the hands of the System Operators to a certain degree, and so far as I'm concerned I betrayed that trust.

If there isn't any good way to do this, then I would just write a quick memo about the incident and ask to have it put in Tony's and Ernie's personnel files, explaining that it wasn't their fault.

I've already submitted my writted report on the incident. The overall Incident Analysis report is basically going to blame poor communication for the problem, so there won't be any long-term effects on either of them.

then buy them both a beer.

Not really my style and from their reactions to my apologies I think they'd probably turn me down as it being unnecessary. But thanks for the input.

[Bang]

Obviously the boss doesn't think it's a big deal. You say you've only been there a year, and it could be in five more years you'll also see that it was no big deal.

If you feel strongly that the other men shouldn't have been reprimanded, that's fine, but maybe they should have. Maybe as men with vast amounts of experience, they are considered your superiors and are expected to oversee your work a little more.

I agree with your friend who told you that you're over-reacting. The chances are high that with time you'll see why. That's what OJT is all about.

~Bang

[chascougs]

You made a mistake that an innocent person is taking the heat for....if you didn't feel guilty then there would be something to worry about. Are these feelings affecting your job, your relationships, are you still doing what needs to be done on a daily basis? If so, you're right where you are supposed to be. If these feeling persist, grow stronger, or start impacting your life....then seek out guidance and support. This feeling of guilt is coming from the best part of your humanity...it means you give a crap about your fellow man.

[stevenaa]

I don't think you made the mistake in the greater sense. Their could have been a reason you submitted it the way you did, and Tony subverted that by reissuing it for a broader scope. That could have resulted in a power outage or someone getting hurt. At least if I'm understanding what you wrote correctly. That this is now an error, when it wouldn't have been in the past, demonstrates there was a need to follow the current process. You've done what you could. Nobody is perfect. Move along.

[Mass_SkinsFan]

Obviously the boss doesn't think it's a big deal. You say you've only been there a year, and it could be in five more years you'll also see that it was no big deal.

I've been with the company for six and a half years. The first five as a contractor and the last 18 months as an employee. I've been involved in Switching Operations for about 15 of those 18 months. In January they sent me down to our training facility to take the official training and testing to be able to do switching on my own, which I passed with a score of 96/100. It's likely that in October I'll be starting to spend time as the System Operator without a more experienced SO there as well. So it's not like a complete plebe at this stuff.

If you feel strongly that the other men shouldn't have been reprimanded, that's fine, but maybe they should have. Maybe as men with vast amounts of experience, they are considered your superiors and are expected to oversee your work a little more.

No, they should have been reprimanded for their portions of the incident. The difference is that whereas the breakdown right now is being considered... Tony 45%, Ernie 45%, Scott 10%; I think it should be a little more even. Maybe... Tony 37.5%, Ernie 37.5%, Scott 25%.

While both of them have more experience than I do, this is the sort of mistake that is easily avoidable if you're paying a little attention and looking at the big picture instead of getting focused on the minutia. That's where I made the mistake. We're all on the switching list. That means we all need to be able to do the job RIGHT.

I agree with your friend who told you that you're over-reacting. The chances are high that with time you'll see why. That's what OJT is all about.

My concern is that the On the Job Training might get somebody hurt, or worse. I know that the chances of that are very low. Hell, I've had switchmen tell me they prefer taking orders from and working with me over a number of the other SO's for various reasons over time. I'm just not sure right now that I can trust myself.

[Mass_SkinsFan]

You made a mistake that an innocent person is taking the heat for....if you didn't feel guilty then there would be something to worry about. Are these feelings affecting your job, your relationships, are you still doing what needs to be done on a daily basis? If so, you're right where you are supposed to be. If these feeling persist, grow stronger, or start impacting your life....then seek out guidance and support. This feeling of guilt is coming from the best part of your humanity...it means you give a crap about your fellow man.

These feelings, and a bunch of other unrelated stresses have been seriously affecting my life the last couple weeks. This more than the other stuff, to be honest.

The problem is that the feeling of guilt isn't so much that I got the others in trouble, but rather that I didn't get in as much trouble. I don't know if that's masochistic or not, but it's where I'm coming from.

[Mass_SkinsFan]

I don't think you made the mistake in the greater sense. Their could have been a reason you submitted it the way you did, and Tony subverted that by reissuing it for a broader scope. That could have resulted in a power outage or someone getting hurt. At least if I'm understanding what you wrote correctly. That this is now an error, when it wouldn't have been in the past, demonstrates there was a need to follow the current process. You've done what you could. Nobody is perfect. Move along.

You're misunderstanding it a little, stevenaa. Let's see if I can clarify it....

The request from Ernie's supervisor was for the broad scope of work, though part of it was worded in a way that made me focus on the more specific scope of the work, rather than the broader scope that it was actually requested for.

The way I wrote the order was fine for the more limited scope. Unfortunately, when I sent the request back I failed to note that it was written for the more limited scope not the broader scope.

Tony issued the order (both times) believing he was issuing it for the broader scope. Ernie realized it was for the more limited scope the first time, then when Tony incorrectly told him that it would allow Ernie to do the broader scope of work he took Tony's word as Gospel and did the work he didn't actually have the right to do.

The only person who actually CHANGED anything, was me, by accident. Even that would have been ok if I'd have noted the change on the switching request.

In the past this work would have been done under a type of Clearance & Control Procedure where Ernie would have been essentially been given control of the entire development and simply told... "Call us back when it's all fixed." We've seriously changed out C&C procedure since then.

[No_Pressure]

You feel guilty, rightfully so. You made a mistake that caused other people to make mistakes...it is understandable to be shook up and feeling guilty. Who knows if someone could have gotten hurt as a result...any number of negative scenarios is imaginable I'm sure. They got in trouble for your mistake and you got off pretty easy. I would feel bad about it as well.

In a situation like this the only action you can take to fix anything is giving a heartfelt apology to the company, the guys, and take responsability. You have already done these things. Unless you have a time machine you cannot go back and stop yourself from screwing up, so you have to get over it. Bad things happen for a reason. They are learning experiences. Take this guilt and use it as motivation to never screw up ever again. If you can't do this than nobody on here will be able to help you. The only thing to do is learn from this and move on.

[chascougs]

These feelings, and a bunch of other unrelated stresses have been seriously affecting my life the last couple weeks. This more than the other stuff, to be honest.

The problem is that the feeling of guilt isn't so much that I got the others in trouble, but rather that I didn't get in as much trouble. I don't know if that's masochistic or not, but it's where I'm coming from.

So this has just been the capper of an extremely stressful period in your life? The feelings of guilt and self-doubt were present before this latest stressor but have now been magnified and brought completely to the surface?

[Mass_SkinsFan]

So this has just been the capper of an extremely stressful period in your life? The feelings of guilt and self-doubt were present before this latest stressor but have now been magnified and brought completely to the surface?

Pretty much. To add insult to injury this happened on the sixth anniversary of my father's death. It was more a general extremely high level of stress before this, but the guilt and self-doubt have largely taken over from the straight stress in the last week.

[bschurm]

These feelings, and a bunch of other unrelated stresses have been seriously affecting my life the last couple weeks. This more than the other stuff, to be honest.

The problem is that the feeling of guilt isn't so much that I got the others in trouble, but rather that I didn't get in as much trouble. I don't know if that's masochistic or not, but it's where I'm coming from.

MSF, I can appreciate your feelings of guilt, but I can assure you that a continued hold on this feeling is not healthy. Guilt is poisonous. I hate to say this sometimes, but it is within your power to let this feeling go. It is as simple as that. On the other hand, I know it is not that easy sometimes.

I think you have taken the first step towards moving on. By sharing this with this MB you have begun to process these feelings. I think a continued self analysis regarding this situation, discussion w/ others and absorbing feedback will benfeit you tremendously.

Continue to talk to others. If this forum is the only way to do it then continue to express how you are feeling. I am not trying to step on toes, but have you thought about a Mental Health Professional? I believe I have read somewhere that you have in the past, but is this an option for you today? If so, I believe it would provide you with an excellent outlet for this type of situation.

Whatever you decide, I hope that the guilt you feel subsides sooner rather than later. Just be proactive.

[One Shot]

MSF, it seems like the reason you have reacted this way to being guilty is because you rarely do things that would CAUSE you to feel guilty. Any kind of emotion you're not familiar with is bound to make you feel uncomfortable when you do experience it. You've done everything you can to correct your mistake, now it's just a matter of time before the guilt goes away.....

[Cskin]

Dude, Easy fix.

Tell, or write a memo, to your supervisors that you were the one who made the mistake and feel the reprimands and responsibility corrections were given to the wrong people. Say you made a mistake and hope to learn from this mistake by taking extra care in writing the correct orders.

Send the memo to your supervisor and CC Ernie and Tom. Additionally, go to Ernie and Tom and apologize for your mistake. Make it known you attempted to make it write with their supervisors.

End of story.... go to sleep.

[chascougs]

Pretty much. To add insult to injury this happened on the sixth anniversary of my father's death. It was more a general extremely high level of stress before this, but the guilt and self-doubt have largely taken over from the straight stress in the last week.

Sounds here like this was just waiting to happen then....if not the work thing, then something else. I'm no therapist but I do know how I've handled these feelings in my own life. I carried major guilt surrounding my father's death and our fractured relationship for years. I'm not real comfortable discussing my past in an open forum but feel free to pm me if you need to talk. Something really powerful about talking to an faceless stranger I've found.

[SUSkinsFan]

This is gonna sound strange but bear with me (even though I am on the ignore list). I went to see a counselor my first semester at college because I was depressed being so far from home for the first time. I was having panic attacks, anxiety, etc and no matter what I did I could not shake the feeling. I went to the counselor and she told me that because I did not properly deal with previous sad emotions, and when I went away to college the floodgates opened and all the previous bad feelings came rushing out at the same time. This may very well be what is happening to you, only with a different emotion. A tip I use is when I am in the car going to work, school etc. I simply talk out loud about how I am feeling and by simply saying it and getting it out of my head makes me feel better. I have been doing that for a while and have felt great ever since. But best of luck getting through this period man, it'll pass.

Luckily no one got hurt and your co-workers were only slightly reprimanded. I would offer to buy them lunch, tell them you feel guilty about what happened and it will help you feel better.

If someone could quote this for Mass I'd appreciate it.

[jrockster21]

Shut down the power to the entire city (or however much you control), then chain yourself to the front of the power plant and demand you be punished for your horrible, horrible deeds. I guarantee you that you get punished.

[twa]

This is gonna sound strange but bear with me (even though I am on the ignore list). I went to see a counselor my first semester at college because I was depressed being so far from home for the first time. I was having panic attacks, anxiety, etc and no matter what I did I could not shake the feeling. I went to the counselor and she told me that because I did not properly deal with previous sad emotions, and when I went away to college the floodgates opened and all the previous bad feelings came rushing out at the same time. This may very well be what is happening to you, only with a different emotion. A tip I use is when I am in the car going to work, school etc. I simply talk out loud about how I am feeling and by simply saying it and getting it out of my head makes me feel better. I have been doing that for a while and have felt great ever since. But best of luck getting through this period man, it'll pass.

Luckily no one got hurt and your co-workers were only slightly reprimanded. I would offer to buy them lunch, tell them you feel guilty about what happened and it will help you feel better.

If someone could quote this for Mass I'd appreciate it.

nm