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Some military humor...


Air Force Cane

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The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

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Rangers vs. Special Forces: Hostage Rescue

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Read the joke:

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20054221.asp

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11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

its funny i was at quantico a few days ago and i saw a second lieuteant on the side of MCB-2. our car pulled over and i asked, "son are you lost?" he said "just a little disoriented." he had the map upside down:laugh: he was in the middle of orientation map skills activities.... those hurt my brain, lots..... magnetic inclination???:D

i was at academy day, seemed like the air force hd the worst presentation behind the merchant marines:silly:

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I don't get it brewdog...

That's just the setup. You have to click on the link to read the joke.

I tried and tried and tried to cut and paste the entire thing, but it was too full of HTML coding and it never came out right.

It's another funny along the lines of the one you started the thread with.

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Military Truisms

• "Aim towards the Enemy"--instruction printed on US rocket launcher.

• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend--from an FM.

• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.

• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.

• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.

• If the enemy is in range, so are you.

• Tracers work both ways.

• Friendly fire isn't.

• Five second fuses only last three seconds.

• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

• Incoming fire has the right of way.

• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.

• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

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Military Truisms

• "Aim towards the Enemy"--instruction printed on US rocket launcher.

• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend--from an FM.

• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.

• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.

• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.

• If the enemy is in range, so are you.

• Tracers work both ways.

• Friendly fire isn't.

• Five second fuses only last three seconds.

• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

• Incoming fire has the right of way.

• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.

• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

you speak truth my friend, especially the "point toward enemy"

i can see it now, the rocket launcher without the instructions, "damn sargent, im sorry, it would be clearer if it told me to aim AT the enemy rather than our rear flank..." :silly:

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One of the funniest things I've ever read was in the old Army Survival manual. On the topic of how to catch a beaver: (paraphrased)

"Try to grab the beaver by the tail. Then swing it in a pendulum motion by the tail until it relaxes."

"Drop kick the beaver."

I want to see someone demonstrate that :laugh:

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• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

I went to AIT at Ft. Sill and I had to wait 2 weeks for my class to start up. I learned very quickly that if you carry around a broom with you, you "look" busy and so Drill Sergeants won't mess with you and/or put you on other work details.

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I remember when I was in BMT at Lackland and the Intructors were handing out jobs. When they asked which of us were good bowlers about 7-8 airmen raised their hands. “Great! You all are assigned latrine duty for the duration of Basic!” I was so glad I can’t bowl worth a damn!

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