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Aye, tis the Irish jokes thread


flyingtiger1013

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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

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An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man.

"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.

"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.

"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

* * * * *

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

* * * * *

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."

* * * * *

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from

America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

* * * * *

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

* * * * *

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.

Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"

And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."

Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're

cooking."

Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?"

"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"

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Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinnesss Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, no Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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An Englishman, a Scottsman, and an Irishman all sit down together in a pub, and each orders a pint of guiness. At the exact same time a fly lands in each one. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes the beer to the center of the table and states "Ican't drink that!" The Scottsman shrugs, flicks the fly out of the drink, and drinks it. The Irishman pulls the fly out of the beer, grabs it by the wings, shakes it and yells "SPIT IT OUT!!!"

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An Englishman, a Scottsman, and an Irishman all sit down together in a pub, and each orders a pint of guiness. At the exact same time a fly lands in each one. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes the beer to the center of the table and states "Ican't drink that!" The Scottsman shrugs, flicks the fly out of the drink, and drinks it. The Irishman pulls the fly out of the beer, grabs it by the wings, shakes it and yells "SPIT IT OUT!!!"

Classic! :laugh:

I love that joke! :D

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A slightly surreal one is my favorite ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all on a management training class and are asked which one item they would bring with them to help them survive if they were lost alone in the Sahara desert.

The Englishman says he would bring a canister of water.

The Scotsman says he would bring salt to replace the loss from sweating.

The Irishman says he would bring his car door. So that when he gets hot he can lower the window.

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This is a funny one...somebody already posted it but I cannot find the thread. :( ANyway, you've got to use accents when telling it; I've told it at a couple bars and everyone loved it! :laugh: I'm sure its different than originally told, as I've made my own changes :silly: Here goes:

EDIT: Found the original joke (better than mine), posted by fuji:

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"

http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=130158&highlight=beer+CEOs

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This is a funny one...somebody already posted it but I cannot find the thread. :( ANyway, you've got to use accents when telling it; I've told it at a couple bars and everyone loved it! :laugh: I'm sure its different than originally told, as I've made my own changes :silly: Here goes:

EDIT: Found the original joke (better than mine), posted by fuji:

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"

http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=130158&highlight=beer+CEOs

I almost forgot about that one. :laugh:

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This is a funny one...somebody already posted it but I cannot find the thread. :( ANyway, you've got to use accents when telling it; I've told it at a couple bars and everyone loved it! :laugh: I'm sure its different than originally told, as I've made my own changes :silly: Here goes:

EDIT: Found the original joke (better than mine), posted by fuji:

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"

http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=130158&highlight=beer+CEOs

best one so far

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An American tourist in Ireland stops into a traditional Irish pub. He sits at the bar next to one of the oldest patrons to chat. The Irishman iss obliged to chat with the American.

The Irishman starts by saying, "Aye, sunny ya see that wall out the window?"

The American Replies, "Yes, Sir, I do."

The Irishman says, "MY Grandfather made that wall with the finest stones in all of Irland. He was known as the finest mason in all of Ireland!"

American, "That's amaing."

Irishman, "Ya, see this bar? My father built this bar with his bare hands using the finest wood in all of Ireland. He was known as the the finest carpenter in all of Ireland."

After telling the American about his family the Irishman begins to weep.The American asks, "What's wrong? I wish I had that heritage. You must be known for something great!"

The Irishman responds, "Nigh, ya F*** a sheep once, you're a sheep F***er for life!"

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An American tourist in Ireland stops into a traditional Irish pub. He sits at the bar next to one of the oldest patrons to chat. The Irishman iss obliged to chat with the American.

The Irishman starts by saying, "Aye, sunny ya see that wall out the window?"

The American Replies, "Yes, Sir, I do."

The Irishman says, "MY Grandfather made that wall with the finest stones in all of Irland. He was known as the finest mason in all of Ireland!"

American, "That's amaing."

Irishman, "Ya, see this bar? My father built this bar with his bare hands using the finest wood in all of Ireland. He was known as the the finest carpenter in all of Ireland."

After telling the American about his family the Irishman begins to weep.The American asks, "What's wrong? I wish I had that heritage. You must be known for something great!"

The Irishman responds, "Nigh, ya F*** a sheep once, you're a sheep F***er for life!"

I think I get it, he ****ed a Sheep that is sad.

This is a funny one...somebody already posted it but I cannot find the thread. :( ANyway, you've got to use accents when telling it; I've told it at a couple bars and everyone loved it! :laugh: I'm sure its different than originally told, as I've made my own changes :silly: Here goes:

EDIT: Found the original joke (better than mine), posted by fuji:

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"

http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=130158&highlight=beer+CEOs

Classic :cheers:

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An American tourist in Ireland stops into a traditional Irish pub. He sits at the bar next to one of the oldest patrons to chat. The Irishman iss obliged to chat with the American.

The Irishman starts by saying, "Aye, sunny ya see that wall out the window?"

The American Replies, "Yes, Sir, I do."

The Irishman says, "MY Grandfather made that wall with the finest stones in all of Irland. He was known as the finest mason in all of Ireland!"

American, "That's amaing."

Irishman, "Ya, see this bar? My father built this bar with his bare hands using the finest wood in all of Ireland. He was known as the the finest carpenter in all of Ireland."

After telling the American about his family the Irishman begins to weep.The American asks, "What's wrong? I wish I had that heritage. You must be known for something great!"

The Irishman responds, "Nigh, ya F*** a sheep once, you're a sheep F***er for life!"

I love that joke. Who can resist the soft wool of the sheep?

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