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How to Prevent Household Monks


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How to Prevent Household Monks

While monks may work and pray diligently for the sanctity of mankind, they can cause problems for homeowners. Whether they’re chanting in your pantry, worshipping in your family room, or repenting in the garage, an infestation of monks can seriously jeopardize your health, home, and property.


It looks innocent enough, but what exactly is in the bowl? Ramen. But the other dude’s gonna shank you!

These are some of the more common dangers and health risks associated with various types of household monks:

1. Monks spend a lot of time hanging around lepers and others who are otherwise unclean and can bring these conditions with them into your home.

2. Children witnessing monks in the ecstasy of self-flagellation have been known to “experiment” by whipping themselves and others mercilessly.

3. Nonstop chanting can be noisy or, ironically, could lull you into unconsciousness in the tub, causing a drowning risk.

4. Monks are notorious communists.

5. They may try to convert your family’s pets.

6. Monks left unattended will replace the books in your house with indecipherable longhand Latin translations.

7. Home gardens could progressively be overtaken by monks’ pea pod plants until all your plants have been evicted. Monks’ gardens can devastate your crops quicker than phylloxera, aphids, or aphids that breathe pure phylloxera.

8. Residue from monks’ porridge is difficult to scrub off the sides of aluminum pots.

9. Monks will punch holes in household condoms and replace birth control pills with ineffective breath mints.

10. Monks’ robes shedded during spring and summer could pile up and be tripped over.

11. Ascetics’ shirts woven from itchy human hair are a smelly fire hazard.

12. Monk bites can be painful and potentially fatal to allergic children.

13. Monks who have taken a vow of silence but not learned sign language will point emphatically until the other monks figure out what he wants. It gets annoying.

14. Chaste monks will sometimes lose it and masturbate furiously in your bed knowing they can just confess and repent later.

Conducive Conditions

While the treatment of monks should generally be left to professionals, there are a few basics to monk prevention that every homeowner should know. Understanding and eliminating elements that attract monks is key to prevention. The following three elements are essential to monk survival, so they should be minimized or eliminated entirely in your home:

1. Poverty: Monks are so enamored by their own vows of poverty that they will seek simple, squalid conditions wherever they are available. If your home looks poor, run-down, or otherwise ****ty, you could be in danger of monk infestation. Reasons for your house appearing like ass that you may not have considered:

a. It looks like the setup of any Jeff Foxworthy joke.

b. Not only do you still have your Christmas lights up in April, but they’re plugged into an extension cord that’s running through your neighbor’s kitchen window.

c. You openly give trick-or-treaters sawed-off pieces of the furniture for Halloween.

d. Your theft deterrent system for your primary vehicle is a big, thick chain.

e. You saved Pabst Blue Ribbon cans for years to finally install some homemade siding over that unsightly brick face.

f. There are no phone or cable lines running into your home. There’s just a complicated network of twine.

2. Moisture: Monks require tons of water because of their heavy robes. A monk’s robe contains roughly the heat equivalent of a thermal unionsuit under three wool sweaters and a fleece throw blanket on fire. If you fear a monk infestation, remove moisture at all costs for the following reasons:

a. Monks are humble, so they’re not above quaffing standing water from an upturned trash can lid just when they’re a little thirsty.

b. Very thirsty monks will suck the plasma out of a kitten’s eyes. They think cats are evil anyway.

c. When water is haphazardly spilled on a monk and a curse is uttered, new fully-formed monks will spawn and spring painfully out of the doused monk’s back. This is how monks are born.

d. Monks take great comfort in dipping their dry bald spots in cool puddles of water.

3. Access: Monks can find access into your home through holes in the physical perimeter of your building, and by other unexpected methods, including:

a. If you travel to a place where there may be monks, inspect your luggage upon returning to be sure that no monks are hiding among your clothing.

b. If you’re in tall grass or a wooded area near a monastery wear long pants and high socks. Check before you go back inside that no monks are stuck to your legs. If a monk has stuck his teeth into your flesh, you can usually coax him out by applying flame directly to him.

c. Seal any holes that might let a monk into your home. A spry monk can fit through an opening the circumference of a tennis ball.

d. Monks are brilliant masters of disguise. Check the ID of any stranger entering your home. Make sure as many people walk out as walked in. You never know who’s a monk and who isn’t.

e. Monks are adept spelunkers, able to descend the narrowest of chimneys. Santa Claus was said to have been a monk.

Prevention Tips

1. Since most monks thrive on solitude you can be sure to keep them away by posting a family member to each room in your house and switching in shifts.

2. Monks like the smell of bland, pasty food like oatmeal and gruel. Cook a lot of exotic cuisine to drive them away.

3. Monks have very few natural predators, except for bears. Bears will attack and kill monks on sight. Buy a big bear.

4. Monks will blindly follow their abbot. If you can lure the abbot of your infestation to his doom by, say, throwing his sacramental wine into a wood chipper, you’ll be rid of the whole mess.

5. Wait for the monks to take vows and switch the script for their vow of chastity with a vow to get the hell out.

6. Keep tipping the monks. $5 here and $10 there. It’ll eventually violate their vows of poverty and they’ll take the hint and hit the road.

Effective monk control not only safeguards property, but it also protects people’s health and increases their well-being. Monks belong in temples and monasteries where they can pray for us all and stop making us feel so guilty. Send them home.

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