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NBA Mid-Season Awards (Please add your own!!)


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The Shuffling Deck Chairs on the Titanic Award

(presented to the NBA general manager who makes the most moves, without fixing the hole in the boat)

Winner: New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas

The Knicks front office mission statement may read something like this: “Our goal is to acquire as many overrated, undersized, overpaid shooting guards as is humanly possible. We strive to have 12 guys on the team who all play the exact same position-- as long as they hog the ball and can’t the run the point, then we want them. The few post players we try to get need to be very soft, afraid to rebound or play defense. In pursuit of this goal, we will also attempt to take on as many bad contracts as possible, limiting our future, and solidifying the Knicks as a last place team for years to come.”

Mission Accomplished.

The David Caruso Award

(presented to the NBA player or coach most driven by ego so that he would leave a good thing to watch his career go down in flames)

Winner: New York Knicks head coach Larry Brown

Winning the NBA Title in Detroit just wasn’t satisfying enough for Brown. He called coaching for the Knicks his “dream job.” Who knew the guy had dreams about being 15-37 at the all-star break?

The NCAA Football Coaches Poll Voters Award

(presented to the group of people who most openly ignore facts and reason when making a decision)

Winner: The NBA coaches who selected Ray Allen for the All-Star game instead of Hornets rookie Chris Paul. The voters were lazy and made the “easy” choice rather than taking the time to acknowledge that Paul is running away with the Rookie of the Year award while leading the displaced Hornets toward the NBA playoffs.

The Bruce-Willis/Demi Moore Award

(presented to the couple who’s break-up has worked out best for both parties)

Winner: Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash. When Nash left the Mavericks for Phoenix, one had to wonder if he was making a wise career move. The same line of thinking could be applied to Nowitzki, who could have fallen apart minus his set-up man. Instead, both players have blossomed since Nash took over the Suns. Headed into the all-star break, both Phoenix and Dallas sat atop their divisions.

The Menendez Brothers Award

(presented to the siblings who got themselves into the biggest collective jam)

Winner: Steve and Jeff Van Gundy. Steve couldn’t take the Heat in Miami, so he stepped down. Jeff presides over the most disappointing team in the league in Houston, and may soon join his kin on the unemployed coaches list.

The Carrot Top Award

(presented to the NBA player who completely lacks talent, substance, charisma, or any other desirable quality yet still holds down a steady job)

Winner: Celtics back-up Center Michael Olowakandi. The former number one overall pick in the draft is now with his third franchise, languishing on the bench the majority of the time, and embarrassing himself the few times he steps on the hardwood. At least he doesn’t have a suitcase full of sight-gags.

The 40 Year-Old Virgin Award

(presented to the defensive player who does the best job of keeping his opponent from scoring)

Winner: Kobe Bryant, Lakers. Kobe may have dropped 81 on the Raptors earlier this year, but just as impressive has been his emergence as the game’s best on-ball defender. He has worked tirelessly to improve his defense and can now be mentioned in the same breath with Michael Jordan when it comes to the defensive end of the floor. He never takes a night off, but the man he’s guarding usually has an off night.

The Woopsy-Daisy Award

(presented to the group who made the biggest error in judgment)

Winner: Marketing department for the Oklahoma City Hornets. After forward Chris “The Birdman” Anderson was suspended from the NBA for a minimum of two years for violating the league drug policy, Oklahoma City motorists could still see his face on a huge interstate billboard that read: “Feel the Buzz.”

The Kevin Federline Award

(presented to the player who most effectively rides the coat tails of his partner)

Winner: Shaquille O’Neal. While Shaq eats up a bigger chunk of the spotlight in south Florida, his running mate, guard Dwayne Wade has elevated the team to a potential championship level. For the first time in his career, Shaq is clearly the second fiddle-- the question now is whether or not he can play it.

The “My Name is Earl” Award

(presented to the most overrated player in the NBA)

Winner: Kevin Garnett of the Timberwolves. Garnett deserves every all-star vote he has ever received. He deserves credit as a hard-worker, top role model, and face of a franchise that was languishing before he arrived. But you simply can’t be a superstar in the NBA if you can’t score at will. Garnett consistently stuffs the stat sheet better than anyone in the NBA, but the fact remains that he isn’t capable of taking over the game on the offensive side of the floor at any given moment: a must for NBA superstars.

The Manu Ginobli Award)

(presented to the most underrated player in the NBA)

Winner: Ginobli is finally getting the credit he has earned, so he comes off the list and goes instead to the name on the trophy. This year’s winner is Wizards forward Antawn Jamison. Gilbert Arenas is the all-star in Washington, but Jamison is the renaissance man. He can score inside or out, rebound, defend, and do it all the while deflecting the attention to Arenas. He is as much as part of the Wizards climb to consistent playoff contention as anyone.

The Antonio Alfonseca Award

(presented to the best sixth man in the NBA-- only serious sports fan will get this one)

Winner: Speedy Claxton of the Hornets. His name says it all. Claxton is a non-stop motor who combines with Chris Paul to form an annoying, if not lethal, backcourt combo.

The O.J. Simpson Jury Award

(presented to the 12 most clueless people in the NBA)

Winner: The Portland Trailblazers. A franchise in disarray has turned to a hastily-formed mixture of young players who should either still be in college or out of the league altogether. The result has been a series of embarrassing 30-plus point losses and the worst record in the west.

The MVP Award

(sorry, I ran out of gimmicks)

Winner: Nowitzki. Serious doubt still lingers as to whether or not Dirk can lead his team past Tim Duncan and the Spurs, much less all the way to the NBA Title. But through the first 50 games of the season no player has done more for his team than the big man from Germany. Kobe has been nearly flawless, Lebron James has been jaw-dropping, and Dwayne Wade has been magnificent. But no player has been all those things while also leading his team to the second best record in the NBA as has Nowitzki.

The Stupid Writer Award

(presented to the stupidest writer)

Winner: Me. I give myself the award for not mentioning any player or coach on the Detroit Pistons despite their 41-9 record at the break. They won the NBA Title two years ago, came three minutes away from winning it again last year, and threatened the 70 win mark for much of the first half of the season. They have four all-stars and play the best team basketball anyone has seen in years. And I didn’t award them squat.

Looking ahead: A few Fearless Predictions for the second half of the season

The Mavericks will outlast the Spurs to earn the number one seed in the west, but San Antonio will beat Dallas in the second round of the playoffs

If Amare Stoudemire returns in time for the post-season, the Suns will win the west. If not, the Spurs repeat

Lebron James will take charge in the second half and win the MVP award. He will then lead the Cavs to the second round of the playoffs and a near upset of the Pistons-- but Detroit will oust them in seven games

Oklahoma City and Denver will play a very entertaining first round playoff series

The Knicks nightmare season won’t get any better

Miami and Detroit will meet in the East Finals once again-- with the same outcome; Pistons in seven

A coach other than Gregg Popovich will win the Coach of the Year Award, once again denying the Spurs coach his rightful place as the best in the game

The Washington Wizards will surprise everyone and beat out Milwaukee and Indiana for the 5th seed in the east

Whether it’s San Antonio or Phoenix, Detroit will use home court advantage to win the NBA Title

And finally……None of the above will happen (see the stupidest writer award)

Its Stan Van Gundy. The wizards will finish 4th in the east and beat out the cavs for it.

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