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The Phat Phree rips on sports broadcasters


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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2142&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1&StoryMonth=2&StoryYear=2006

There are over six billion people on earth. You'd have to think that out of the six billion, there would be some good sports broadcasters out there, and there are- but not nearly as many as there should be. I for one refuse to believe this is the best the sports broadcasting world has to offer. There have to more competent human being out there then the people that the networks put on TV to broadcast these games. These games are highly rated, and they probably would get better ratings if we didn’t have to sit through the babblings of an idiot. But rather than offer a solution to what should be done, I'm just going to take the hippie route and complain about the current situation without offering any kind of resolution.

Let's get this party started with the big man himself:

Tim McCarver, Fox Baseball Analyst – The king of all the idiots. I might not know more about baseball than the man, but I know how to structure a coherent sentence, which apparently makes me over-qualified for the job. What’s that, Tim? Oh, it’s the hitter that hits the ball, thank you. I thought it was the free safety. Did you know that McCarver was a major league catcher for 20 years? You’d think he would know a thing or two, but you would be wrong. I wish I could go back to when he made his debut in 1959. I would borrow Julio Franco’s 40 oz. bat, stand all the way in the back of the box, and whack that **** as hard as I could in the back of his head. Then I would take first base – catcher’s interference is awesome! Oddly enough, though, that would probably have helped the retard.

Joe Buck, Fox’s ***** – I feel bad for him for having to work with Tim McCarver, and occasionally Troy Aikman. But he has no emotions, so he doesn’t matter.

John Madden, NBC’s football guy – Thanks for the video game. Now go away. There’s some goofy animal waiting to be eaten on your bus, you coward. Maybe you wouldn’t be afraid to fly if your fat ass didn’t prevent every plane from taking off. But seriously, thanks for the video game.

Al Michaels, NBC’s ***** – Do you believe in miracles? You must if one line kept your career going this long. Way to ride the coattails of a bunch of college kids. It’s just too bad you couldn’t do it as well as Joe Francis. Goddammit, why do I know his name?

Paul Maguire - Why someone at ESPN decided it was a good idea to put you in the same booth as Theisman is beyond me. It was probably the same guy who gave Jay Mohr and Stephen A. Smith a show. I think he's either read "Sports Broadcasting For Morons"... or written it. Actually, I'm going to go with "read"; I'd be shocked if he could write. But he is remarkably good about pointing out the obvious and reminding the viewers to “look at this, look at this right here”. Douche bag.

Michael Irvin/ Shannon Sharpe; same person, two different networks – Look, I know the networks need a black guy, but how about one who knows what’s going on. Was Warren Moon busy? What about Rae Carruth... actually, scratch that. All these ****s did was catch a ball. Thanks for talking down to me every week, guys, now go snort some more coke. Maybe I’m just bitter because I was rejected by the college that’s in Shannon Sharpe’s nose and Michael Irvin still hasn't given me my crack pipe back.

Troy Aikman, Fox Football Analyst – Ten concussions? Really? Can’t tell.

Bob Costas - Oh, who am I kidding, I can't say anything bad about Bob, it's not nice to make fun of midgets.

Every basketball analyst – Basketball doesn’t require an analyst anyway. Put ball in net, it's not hard. ABC got Hubie Brown for the job. Getting a coach, one of the only few people who understands the game- good idea. Getting a senile old man for the job- bad idea. People like Bill Walton so much just because they get to laugh at him. Any person who used to play in the NBA should be put in a bubble and never allowed to do anything ever again, for the safety of themselves and the people around them. Except for Mark Price; he was awesome.

Every CBS football broadcaster - I'm just going to lump all these guys together because it's just a cluster**** of untalented unknowns. Go ahead, name someone else besides Phil Simms and Armen Keteyian. However, I don't think they're entirely to blame. I mean if I had to cover teams like the Texans, Browns and Jets, I might lose my will to care too.

Joe Theisman - The football Tim McCarver. I think when Lawrence Taylor snaped your leg like a twig, he also some how ruptured the part of your brain that has rational thought. Jim Haslett should be the Coach of the Year? Jay Cutler should be the number 1 overall draft pick? Really, Joe? Really?

This is merely a drop in the bucket. There's more on the national level, and even more on the local level. For example, Joe Angel, play-by-play for the Orioles, is intolerable. Give us your favorite broadcaster that you love to hate.

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Good stuff. I wish he didn't go after Theismann so hard, even if he is a lousy analyst. He definitely **** the bed though by not including Vitale. No list of worst sportscasters can be considered legit if Vitale is not #1. Berman should be on there too.

The 2007-08 List of Minority NFL Head Coaching Candidates is pretty funny too. Some good possibilities for the Skins in case Williams and Saunders have moved on after Gibbs retires. The Asian kid tops the list.

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