redskinslovergrl Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 This is a little off topic but it involves age difference along with other factors. Ok, here it goes...... My husband and I have been together for about 9 yrs. and married for almost two of those years. I am 33 & he is 31. Here's my problem, we have been having marital problems because of money and such. He doesn't work because of a disability with his back (almost two & half years now) so he is at home all of the time and is pretty bored and lonely (as he explains it). He has gotten into playing Euchere online in a league. Over time he has developed a relationship with a young girl who is two months from being 18 yrs. old. He finally admitted to me last night that he/she have feelings for one another. He tells me that they love each other!!! She lives in Michigan so this has been strictly a online/phone relationship and he tells me that still loves me and wants to stayed married to me BUT he still wants to carry on the relationship with her because it will never develop into anything else because they will never meet. My response to him was was alot more than this but I'll sum it up. I told him that I love him and I want to save our marriage and all I ask is for him to stop talking to her and tell her that he just can't do this anymore. (She knows were married). His reply to me is that he can't do what I ask because he loves her and he doesn't want to hurt her and it will hurt him as well. He says that I am being unresonable to ask this of him because he says that they are doing nothing wrong because it is not like he is having an affair with her. He tells me that he is truly sorry that I am hurt and that was never his intention. I must tell you that I do not believe in divorce. Sorry for the babbling and posting off topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCollins Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 This is a little off topic but it involves age difference along with other factors. Ok, here it goes...... My husband and I have been together for about 9 yrs. and married for almost two of those years. I am 33 & he is 31. Here's my problem, we have been having marital problems because of money and such. He doesn't work because of a disability with his back (almost two & half years now) so he is at home all of the time and is pretty bored and lonely (as he explains it). He has gotten into playing Euchere online in a league. Over time he has developed a relationship with a young girl who is two months from being 18 yrs. old. He finally admitted to me last night that he/she have feelings for one another. He tells me that they love each other!!! She lives in Michigan so this has been strictly a online/phone relationship and he tells me that still loves me and wants to stayed married to me BUT he still wants to carry on the relationship with her because it will never develop into anything else because they will never meet. My response to him was was alot more than this but I'll sum it up. I told him that I love him and I want to save our marriage and all I ask is for him to stop talking to her and tell her that he just can't do this anymore. (She knows were married). His reply to me is that he can't do what I ask because he loves her and he doesn't want to hurt her and it will hurt him as well. He says that I am being unresonable to ask this of him because he says that they are doing nothing wrong because it is not like he is having an affair with her. He tells me that he is truly sorry that I am hurt and that was never his intention. I must tell you that I do not believe in divorce. Sorry for the babbling and posting off topic. No problem, get an annulment. Stop wasting your prime years of this "project". Let the girl on intenet support him, and go find someone that's interested in having a normal life. And if this bit of advice doesn't "work for you", ask yourself this question: Why I am atractted to this person, who is obviously disfunctional, and how do I fix that problem? When "love" ceases to be funtional, then "love" has got to go. "I love you, but you've got to go". see it's that easy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistymjohnson Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 It seems so easy for people who are not in your shoes to offer advice... And yes, you did ask for it. However, I understand your position on divorce. So, being that... I know this has got to be difficult for you. I am willing to discuss this further with you via pm or email. Email: Misty_Johnson@Adelphia.Net Yahoo messenger: mistymjohnson1980 Oh... What league does he play for? I am a member of a league as well, and play euchre in it too! (I'm nosey and just curious if I know the two people) - You don't have to tell me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dks1240 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 If you told your husband that you are uncomfortable with his internet relationship and he refuses to even attempt to give it up then it probably is just going to get worse from here on out. Think it through, make sure you really want to be a with who is only giving have heartedly loving you. If you decide you really want to stay with your husband, highly encourage him to go to counseling with you. Maybe you could try pushing some non-computer hobbies on him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHUBAKAH Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I'm not talking about exwives or exgirlfriends Chewy. That's a tough deal too, but I know plenty of folks that have friendships with exes. I'm talking about when a guy is head over heals with a gal and she says, "I don't like you that way, but I want to be best friends". That situation is very tough on the rejected person, and almost always doesn't work. Maybe later on in the future, but you have to give the person who has been rejected time to get over it. There are very few men out there that can just switch gears like that. Who said anything about them being x wives. I hate both them bishes. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Air Force Cane Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 regarding the layabout husband- what kind of an excuse is it that he has a back injury?!! he is well enough to spend all of his time on the computer playing games but can't spend time on the computer WORKING?!! what kind of a person is that? and what kind of a woman puts up with such a loser? we have men who have had an arm and a leg BLOWN OFF their bodies, but volunteer to go back to Iraq as soon as they have a prosthesis! and your hubby is living off of our taxes- and add to it is having an emotional affair right in front of you?!! clearly you both have issues- him for being a leech- and you for marrying such a male devoid of true character. save yourself and gain some self-respect! as for my 25 year old- we are a decade apart. but I am hip :cool: Anyway, SHE is the one who emailed me out of the blue after we went out as friends a few times in the summer. I didn't pursue her just for the reason of not wanting to be a desperate old man, and I never contact eithe one of them but they both email me. and truth be told, most people think I am in my late 20's.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexRS Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 This is a little off topic but it involves age difference along with other factors. Ok, here it goes...... My husband and I have been together for about 9 yrs. and married for almost two of those years. I am 33 & he is 31. Here's my problem, we have been having marital problems because of money and such. He doesn't work because of a disability with his back (almost two & half years now) so he is at home all of the time and is pretty bored and lonely (as he explains it). He has gotten into playing Euchere online in a league. Over time he has developed a relationship with a young girl who is two months from being 18 yrs. old. He finally admitted to me last night that he/she have feelings for one another. He tells me that they love each other!!! She lives in Michigan so this has been strictly a online/phone relationship and he tells me that still loves me and wants to stayed married to me BUT he still wants to carry on the relationship with her because it will never develop into anything else because they will never meet. My response to him was was alot more than this but I'll sum it up. I told him that I love him and I want to save our marriage and all I ask is for him to stop talking to her and tell her that he just can't do this anymore. (She knows were married). His reply to me is that he can't do what I ask because he loves her and he doesn't want to hurt her and it will hurt him as well. He says that I am being unresonable to ask this of him because he says that they are doing nothing wrong because it is not like he is having an affair with her. He tells me that he is truly sorry that I am hurt and that was never his intention. I must tell you that I do not believe in divorce. Sorry for the babbling and posting off topic. How long did this take? You wrote "over time," not sure if he has been doing this for days, weeks, months or years... Psychology of online relationships is very interesting. There is one dominating theme. People tend to build up a mental image of the other person, and that mental image is VERY different from ther real life. How can I explain this... in a "real" relationship you have two people dealing with each other. An online relationship. on the other hand, happens entirely in one's head. There is no other person in it - there is only a mental image. Person can imag whatever mental image they wish, as long as the Internet Buddy does not contradict it. It's sort of like this. In real life we see the real people, but sometimes assign imaginary qualities to them. Online we imagine the people, but sometimes assign real qualities to them. I am sure your husband is dealing with a lot of issues. I can only imagine what it is like to be disabled at 31 years of age. You said he cannot work and there are money problems... this can be very hard for a man. I am sure he feels a lot of guilt for not being able to feed his family and such. Plus, he might be feeling very insecure - he does not feel like the man you married anymore. So he is trying to run away from it all into his own head, into an image of an unconditionally accepting woman who he imagined. This does not heal the pain you experience, but remember that he does not mean to hurt you. He is trying to deal with things by running away from them. If you are set on saving your marriage, then think of it in terms of how can you help him. I suppose the first step would be to realize and show him that this other woman is not real. It is merely an escape vehicle for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supafly Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I happen to be from the school of honesty. That is where no matter how much it hurts... Blatant honesty is the best way to go. Is this the school where you can be brutally honest with others but they cant be brutally honest with you? just teasin hehe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistymjohnson Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 You must be bored! However, I feel compelled to answer your question as follows: Brutal honesty and inaccurate statements are entirely two different things. I would give you more of what you want (which is obviously dramatic flare), but quite frankly... I am just too tired today. Sorry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supafly Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 You must be bored! However, I feel compelled to answer your question as follows: Brutal honesty and inaccurate statements are entirely two different things. I would give you more of what you want (which is obviously dramatic flare), but quite frankly... I am just too tired today. Sorry! It was their blatant honest opinion, given the information you provided at the time. You clarified things a bit, but nevertheless they are entitled to such. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supafly Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 This is a little off topic but it involves age difference along with other factors. Ok, here it goes......My husband and I have been together for about 9 yrs. and married for almost two of those years. I am 33 & he is 31. Here's my problem, we have been having marital problems because of money and such. He doesn't work because of a disability with his back (almost two & half years now) so he is at home all of the time and is pretty bored and lonely (as he explains it). He has gotten into playing Euchere online in a league. Over time he has developed a relationship with a young girl who is two months from being 18 yrs. old. He finally admitted to me last night that he/she have feelings for one another. He tells me that they love each other!!! She lives in Michigan so this has been strictly a online/phone relationship and he tells me that still loves me and wants to stayed married to me BUT he still wants to carry on the relationship with her because it will never develop into anything else because they will never meet. My response to him was was alot more than this but I'll sum it up. I told him that I love him and I want to save our marriage and all I ask is for him to stop talking to her and tell her that he just can't do this anymore. (She knows were married). His reply to me is that he can't do what I ask because he loves her and he doesn't want to hurt her and it will hurt him as well. He says that I am being unresonable to ask this of him because he says that they are doing nothing wrong because it is not like he is having an affair with her. He tells me that he is truly sorry that I am hurt and that was never his intention. I must tell you that I do not believe in divorce. Sorry for the babbling and posting off topic. He needs to end it now. He is deluding himself (mental fantasy masturbation), being unfair to this 18 year old girl (if it will never lead anywhere then why lead her on like this?), but most of all being unfair to you - Are you supposed to 'share' his love with somebody else? can you trust him? How do you know he wont up and run away to michigan one day? what if this girl turns psycho and travels to you? Tell him hes going to have to make a decision, a committment, and stick with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renegade7 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Well, 8 or 9 years younger for me is kinda gross. But even dating girls my age is kinda dangerous. Crazy fathers, curfew, none of whom are sane enough to hold a licence. It's a dangerous world out there for us teenage guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistymjohnson Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 It was their blatant honest opinion, given the information you provided at the time. You clarified things a bit, but nevertheless they are entitled to such. You are going to hurt yourself verbally sparring with me honey... "A blatant honest opinion"... Think about what you just said! An opinion is a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter. Another definition is... a belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge. So, you may have an opinion, but that does not necessarily make it the truth. It is a judgment based on your thoughts and feelings at that moment. And as far as them being entitled.... EVERYONE is entitled to an opinion, which I have stated in other threads. Quite frankly, I could care less about opinions, because there are so many of them - most of which are of little interest to me. However, what's not okay is defamation of character based on ill-mannered, uninformed, and/or just plain ignorant statements! Before you reply to this... Please at least do enough homework to understand what it is that you are stating. I'm certain you are more intelligent than you are leading us to believe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Predicto Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 This is a little off topic but it involves age difference along with other factors. Ok, here it goes...... My husband and I have been together for about 9 yrs. and married for almost two of those years. I am 33 & he is 31. Here's my problem, we have been having marital problems because of money and such. He doesn't work because of a disability with his back (almost two & half years now) so he is at home all of the time and is pretty bored and lonely (as he explains it). He has gotten into playing Euchere online in a league. Over time he has developed a relationship with a young girl who is two months from being 18 yrs. old. He finally admitted to me last night that he/she have feelings for one another. He tells me that they love each other!!! She lives in Michigan so this has been strictly a online/phone relationship and he tells me that still loves me and wants to stayed married to me BUT he still wants to carry on the relationship with her because it will never develop into anything else because they will never meet. My response to him was was alot more than this but I'll sum it up. I told him that I love him and I want to save our marriage and all I ask is for him to stop talking to her and tell her that he just can't do this anymore. (She knows were married). His reply to me is that he can't do what I ask because he loves her and he doesn't want to hurt her and it will hurt him as well. He says that I am being unresonable to ask this of him because he says that they are doing nothing wrong because it is not like he is having an affair with her. He tells me that he is truly sorry that I am hurt and that was never his intention. I must tell you that I do not believe in divorce. Sorry for the babbling and posting off topic. Predicto says that this 18 year old girl is really a 45 year old guy, and your husband is being played for a fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistymjohnson Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooo sorry for laughing, but that was just too funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskinslovergrl Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 First, I want to say to you Misty, thank you for trying to understand and offering your info to talk to me. I have wrote it down so that I may keep it. I don't know when I will be able to respond because of my job and I certainly don't really want to discuss this issue in front of him. Airforce Cane- I must tell you that you are not entirely in the right to attack him. Regardless of how hurt I am I will not let you assume that he is living off of your taxes because he is not making a dime!! He has had three back surgeries (the last one being a fusion) over the last several years. This was also a work injury so until it is resolved he CANNOT work (by advice of our lawyer). Also, he served in the Army when he was younger and went to Desert Storm. Before this last surgery, he told me that he would go back in a heartbeat to serve his country!! He is now unable to do such a thing. He probably is going to try and find an online job but he and I both are naive in that area (because we have talked about it). As for your claim that I am continuing to put up with this loser, leech, maybe you think so and you are entitled to your opinion because I did post here asking for some input. I am committed to staying in this marriage because first and foemost, I love him and secondly, it is a sin in God's eyes to divorce so therefore I have to do whatever I can to fix my marriage. AlexRS- Your views used to be how he felt and maybe still does but I have tried to assure him that this was not by choice for him to get injured and it makes him no less a man and he tells me that he appreciates that I don't blame him for our financial strains so it is no longer an issue. Thank you all for your advice and your thoughts whether I wanted to hear them or not. I asked and you delivered. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgiaredskin Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 If you told your husband that you are uncomfortable with his internet relationship and he refuses to even attempt to give it up then it probably is just going to get worse from here on out. Think it through, make sure you really want to be a with who is only giving have heartedly loving you. If you decide you really want to stay with your husband, highly encourage him to go to counseling with you. Maybe you could try pushing some non-computer hobbies on him? :applause: :notworthy My sentiments exactly. Your requests of your husband are completely reasonable and logical. I understand and share your beliefs in marriage. However, I also agree with DeanCollins. Here you are supporting this guy who IS cheating on you. Life is too short to waste spending with someone who does not respect you and who is willing to betray you, especially if you realize he is not willing to change. Emotional cheating is cheating. And I feel it would only lead to them meeting in the future. Whatever mid-life crisis he is going through, it is not an excuse to betray you, the one who has supported him obviously financially and emotionally throughout the hardest time of his life and yours. Where is your support? If he is not willing to stop contact with her, then he may not be willing to go to counseling. God does not want you to be miserable. So if you fight and fight for this marriage when your partner only seems to run, albeit into the arms of another woman, will you allow yourself after however much time you need, to consider that you deserve happiness yourself? I'll keep you in my prayers, and I mean it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dat Dude88 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 I am 35, friends with two gals who are in their mid twenties. We hang out, go to dinner, concerts, movies and the Kennedy Center. I don't pursue them because I don't want to be thought of as a dirty old guy but they email me out of the blue. So far in the "friend" zone.Just wondering if anyone has gone from friend to more than that with women who are 8-9 years younger than they are... oh yeah, one is SMOKING hot, the other pretty hot. that makes a big difference in the analysis I think :doh: You only look like a "dirty old guy" when you take them out to dinner...so order through the drive thru * go home & be the "Ron Burgundy" you know you really are & carpe' bof-em! You'll be depressed about the missed opportunity in 10yrs when you really are a dirty old man hunting "girls" in their mid 30's! :notworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snackbar Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Last year I was 38 and was dating a 20 year old. Her mother was 39. The sad part of it was that her mom looked like she could have been my mom. Anyhow, it was fun for a bit, but it wore off after a bit. But I still tend to date them younger. The girl I'm seeing now is 28. 11 years isnt bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DCRunner Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Well, not to be rude but back on topic - maybe I missed the post where you told us that you finally asked her out, AF Cane. Did I miss it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redskinslovergrl Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Thank you georgiaredskin I appreciate your prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Air Force Cane Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 yes DC Runner, you missed it :laugh: we are going to see "Something about Roses" at the Kennedy Center tomorrow. i am not going to try anything though. we will just see down the line if she starts to have more than "friends" type of feelings... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgiaredskin Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Thank you georgiaredskin I appreciate your prayers. Anytime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Air Force Cane Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 redskinslovergirl- tough love my dear! I am not saying your husband has always been a bad person. but actions speak louder than words. so he wants to be useful to society? what is stopping him? if blind people can work, so can people with back injuries. you yourself said he is having an affair over the computer- so why can't he spend time looking for a computer job rather than hitting on an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD!! so, the guy you are supporting is spending his time having an affair with a teenager- and you are fine with it because "marriage is sacred"?!! what about HIS vows? you know, where you say through sickness and in health, to provide for your wife, to not commit adultery?!! you need to face reality, you need to put your foot down. he ends any contact with this chick, he tries everyday to get a job, and he goes to marital counseling with you. I think it is too far gone now anyway, but that should be the minimum you tolerate. what kind of a marriage is it when the husband is having to go to a TEENAGER for emotional needs?!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
england Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 i was once giving this advice about women a few years older than me i was told son leave it alone it will draw you further than gun powder can f*****g blow you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.