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FOXSports: New Year's resolutions we hope get kept


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New Year's resolutions we hope get kept

Jeff Gordon / Special to FOXSports.com

Posted: 1 day ago

Sure, it was another rocky year in the world of sports. Many of the best players, coaches and managers learned lessons the hard way — by taking their lumps in public.

After reflecting on the carnage, these men and women have an opportunity to do better in 2006 and beyond. They have a chance to make New Year's resolutions and live up to them.

Here are just some of resolutions the Funhouse gang would recommend:

Fred Smoot: "On my next charter cruise, I will bring my rod and reel and focus on fishing."

Barry Bonds: "I will attempt to lose 30 pounds this season. Then, after I get my skull back to its normal size, I will work on the rest of my body."

Stan Van Gundy: "On my next coaching job, I will take full advantage of Take Your Daughter to Work Day."

Donovan McNabb: "I will strike up a friendship with Wayne Brady because he will be my friend."

Maurice Clarett: "This year I will quit eating and training like a sportswriter."

Kellen Winslow: "I will never listen to Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild again. Also, I will remove Easy Rider from my DVD collection."

Matt Leinart: "I will send a fruit basket and a sincere apology to Alex Smith for declining to enter the 2005 NFL Draft."

Alex Smith: "In 2006, I will not give the public any reason to discuss my small hands."

Rafael Palmeiro: "The next time I'm called to testify before Congress, I'll pull a Sammy Sosa and forget how to speak coherent English. Rather than point for emphasis, I will shrug."

Phil Jackson: "The next time I make my professional coaching comeback, I will make sure the team hasn't already traded Shaquille O'Neal."

Matt Millen: "I will continue drafting wide receivers at the top of the NFL Draft until I get it right."

Mack Brown: "I will remember to add criminal lawyers and a bail bondsman to our Rose Bowl travel party."

Bob Huggins: "To finally silence my critics, I will resume my coaching career at an Ivy League school and win without JUCO transfers and parolees."

Serena and Venus Williams: "For the hell of it, we'll concentrate on tennis this year."

Larry Brown: "I will always rent. I will never buy."

Onterrio "Original Whizzinator" Smith: "This year I will not try to sneak a fake penis and dried urine through airport security."

Terrell Owens: "I will quit using the mythical 'Leon' as my professional role model and realize that my life isn't a beer commercial."

Michael Irvin: "The next time I help a troubled 'friend' by confiscating his drug paraphernalia, I will dispose of it immediately."

Gary Bettman: "When the current NHL television deal is up, I'm calling Oxygen TV."

Michael Vick: "I will never again use the alias 'Ron Mexico' while dealing with personal health crises."

Ron Artest: "The next time I demand the Pacers to trade me, I will remember the Toronto Raptors are in the NBA."

John Chaney: "I will remember that I coach a college basketball team, not a professional wrestling tag team. I will emulate John Wooden rather than Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

Latrell Sprewell: "I will figure out how to feed my family on less than $8 million per year."

Brett Favre: "I will allow all my body parts to vote on whether I play football in 2006."

John Daly: "I promise not to marry Tonya Harding in 2006."

Mike Tice: "I will continue to wear a pen atop my ear like a butcher, but I will no longer use it to take Super Bowl ticket orders."

Tim Duncan: "I will say or do something outrageous just once in my NBA career, to prove I really can be one of the guys."

Anna Benson: "This year I will turn my life into a 24/7 reality show for the Spice Channel."

Kenny Rogers: "I will spend the rest of my baseball career playing for teams that never attract TV crews, like the Detroit Tigers."

Michelle Wie: "I promise to make the LPGA Tour interesting, for a change, before spending too much time playing against men."

Evander Holyfield: "I will finally realize that punched in the face over and over and over again is no way to spend my golden years."

Keith Tkachuk: "I promise that at my next training camp, the Blues won't have to weigh me with a livestock scale."

Martina Hingis and Anna Kournikova: "We will make our tennis comeback and reunite as doubles partners long enough to pose for many, many photographs. Also, we will roll out a new line of lace tennis wear."

The Carolina Panthers cheerleaders: "We will only pander to sordid male fantasies during games, on the field, within our normal dance routines."

Joe Torre: "Once, just once, I will call a news conference and discuss how I really feel about George Steinbrenner."

Pat Riley: "To prove I don't crave the spotlight, I will start dressing like Rick Majerus."

Chad Johnson: "Next time I score a touchdown, I'll act like I've done it before."

Maria Sharapova: "I will reconsider my restraining order against certain FOXSports.com writers."

Ozzie Guillen: "Once, just once, I'll take a pass on a controversial issue and say ‘no comment.'"

Coach K: "To heck with the NCAA rulebook — this year I will divide all my endorsement money evenly among the players."

Tony Stewart: "I will limit my road rage to midweek trips to the mall."

Mike Martz: "On my next job, I'll remember that Knute Rockne had no use for empty-backfield sets and 50-pass games."

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