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Here is the verse from a Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

The election is over, the results are known,

the will of the people has clearly been shown.

Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,

we will give our leader all the help that he needs.

So let's all get together, and let bitterness pass,

I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

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T'was the night before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas-Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"-what do I hear?

The old lady ****es cause I work late at night

The elves want more money-The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days-they all are the pits

They want the impossible-Those mean little ****s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo-yo's-NO request for them,

They want computers and robots. they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job. There's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year

now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde.

I'm going SOUTH for the season!

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Pissed off Santa

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.

The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.

The reindeer had been playing their reindeer games all afternoon and were dead tired.

To make matters worse, Rudolph had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are sleeping, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree yet! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat Santa man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

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12 Days of Christmas

December 15

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,


December 16

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,


December 17

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.



December 18

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being to romantic.



December 19

Dear John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,


December 20

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a laying on my steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge, where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!!



December 21

Dear John:

What's with you and those friggin' birds??? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck, it's not funny. So stop with the friggin' birds!!



December 22


I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is cow **** all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.


December 23

Hey ****head:

What are you? Some kind of sadist. Now there's nine pipers playing. And damn, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do!!? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,


December 24

You rotten prick:

Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****! The Commissioner of Building has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you,


December 25

Listen ****head:

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, the rotten vicious swine.

Yours sworn enemy,


December 26



303 Knave Street

Chicago, Illinois

December 26

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.


Badger, Bender & Cajole

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