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Exclusive Faux Interview II:Football Genius Agrees To Second Chat

Ax

By Ax
in 2005 Archives Forum

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Ax

Ax

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After the first interview with the “Football Genius” we were flooded with requests to have him back for another. We’d like to thank both of you. The following is a transcript of our second interview, conducted this past Monday morning.

*Extremeskins employed a 7 second delay to avoid any vulgar outburst by either Football Genius or the person conducting the interview.

So Genius, I guess I should first apologize for the unprofessional way I handled myself at the end of our last little chat.

Apology accepted. But I prefer to be addressed as either Football Genius, or Mr. Genius, if it’s all the same to you.

Fine. Let’s talk about the Redskins-Rams game.

What a great game to illustrate some of the things I’ve been trying to tell people FOREVER!

First off, Joe Gibbs will never learn that you can’t win in today’s football by running the damn ball, especially in the 4th quarter.

Secondly, regardless of whom your players are, an attacking offense like the Rams will ALWAYS outscore a conservative offense. Schemes beat execution every time.

And finally, you can’t win in the “New NFL” without tall receivers. No other team personifies all these traits better than the Rams.

Gibbs refuses to acknowledge these things, and that’s why they lost.

Uh, did you watch the game?

Not the whole thing. I didn’t have to. I knew as soon as they failed to pick up that 3rd & 2 on the first drive that the game was over.

Well I’ve got news for you Genius, excuse me, Mr. Genius, but the Redskins won.

Yeah right.

Don’t you ever check out the news? You know, the morning paper, Sportcenter? Anything?

No I don’t. I don’t need someone to tell me what happened when I know that I know better.

Well it looks like you might want to start because the Redskins won 24-9.

Really? Well I bet they did it by throwing the ball.

Wrong again. They ran for over 250 yds with 2 touchdowns and threw for only 150 yds with 1 touchdown.

Oh. Well they must have been just calling the longer running plays then.

Uh yeah, a lot of them did turn out that way.

Ah Ha!!! I knew it! I told you so! Didn’t I say that last week? Didn’t I? You remember right? You remember that I said it, right? Haven’t I been saying the way to win in this league is to call long running plays in the 4th quarter? Haven’t I? Huh? You remember right? Right?

Yes! Jeezuz Christ! I remember. Ok?

Now then, just think how much better they would work with a tall receiver on the field.

Is that because you think a “tall” receiver can run block better than a shorter one?

No, of course not. You see, tall receivers force the defensive players to look up at them. The taller they are the better. This allows running backs, which are usually shorter, to go unnoticed for that split second it takes to break off a long run. Everybody knows this. The Rams proved this with big receivers and Marshall Faulk a few years ago. That’s why they were nicknamed “The Greatest Show on Earth.”

You mean “Turf.”

Turf what?

It's “The Greatest Show on Turf” Not “Earth.”

Oh, is this interview going to get confrontational too?

No, I was just pointing out a factual error, that’s all. Which reminds me Mr. Genius, some of our members wanted me to point out some factual errors you stated during our last interview. In particular, your referral to “The Immaculate Conception”, as you called it.

I’d rather not dwell on the past if you don’t mind. Far too many people these days spend way too much time arguing about and debating things that happened in the past. I’m more of a “let’s move forward” kind of guy. So, why don’t we concentrate on what’s happening now instead of wasting time debating things that have already happened and can’t be changed anyway?

Fine, let’s talk about here and now then. Who do you think will be the guy to take this team on his shoulders and carry them to the playoffs?

Well it should have been WR Mike Williams. I still can’t believe they didn’t draft him when everybody knows that tall receivers equal Super Bowl Championships. I mean come on. Mike Williams is simply unstoppable. The Redskins would be tied with the Colts at 12-0 right now if they had drafted Williams. Their offense last year was horrible. Mike Williams would have instantly made them the #1 offense in football.

Then why isn’t Detroit doing better than they are? They drafted Williams, teamed him up with their other “tall” top pick receivers of the past few years, and so far haven’t done anything.

Well, because these things take time.

Excuse me?

You can’t expect a team to turn things around overnight. Quarterbacks and receivers need time to develop a chemistry together. Offense doesn’t just happen you know. And, a great offense is a must have in “Today’s” football.

But didn’t you just say that…oh never mind. Let’s move on. I guess you don’t agree with the old adage “defense wins championships” then, huh?

Which defense?

What do you mean, which defense?

Well obviously you don’t realize that there are different kinds of defensive schemes and formations.

Uh, yes, I’m well aware that there are different defensive schemes and formations. I just didn’t think any one in particular had a lock on winning championships.

Well now, that’s what you need me for, isn’t it?

Yeah. OK Genius, er um Mr. Genius, what would you say is the best defense to use?

Well for now, it’s the 3-4. Since that’s the top ranked defense currently available.

Why do you say that?

Well just look at the numbers. To have a number 3 or 4 ranked defense in football would go a long way towards winning the Super Bowl. With a number 3 or 4 defense, you don’t even need an offense to win it all.

Huh? You're saying it’s called a 3-4 because a defense is ranked number 3 or 4?

No silly. With 30 teams in the NFL, only two teams get to be number 3 and 4. It’s called the 3-4 because that’s the ranking everybody who uses it is shooting for.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight! So what’s the 4-3 then?

You don’t know anything, do you? Back when the New Orleans Saints named the 3-4 defense, many of the locals were confused. You see Cajuns talk a little differently than other people. They like to reverse the order of numbers. For instance, when asked how many hot dogs can you eat, you or I might say, “I can eat 2 or 3.” But Cajun people would say, “Oh, I could maybe ate 3 or 2 of them there hot dogs.” So you see, the 4-3 is the same as the 3-4. It just got it’s own name so Cajuns wouldn’t be disenfranchised. Of course they pronounce it “Four-Tree”.

Man, you’re priceless.

Thank you. It’s nice to be appreciated.

Well I was being sarcastic but…never mind.

Alrighty then, we’ll wrap this thing up with one for TK. Charcoal or gas?

Well since I’m a veterinarian I don’t grill much. But if I did I certainly wouldn’t use charcoal. Everybody knows you can’t grill today’s barbecue without gas.

On the tallest grill you can find.

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PCS

PCS

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What the hell? I ask the football genius a question about whether he'd like to have sushi on Main Street and you ask a question about the 3-4 and 4-3? Cripes, anyone who understands football knows that one. :doh:

Gee. Sorry. Maybe next time

Yeah well. It's those kind of questions that need to be asked ya know.

Right. I'll keep that in mind next time :rolleyes:

Kind of lost some respect for you because of that. Thought you knew better.

Whew. Golly. However will I sleep knowing that?

Uh huh.

Knock it off. :slap:

Outstanding stuff Ax. Really was. Well done. Needed that laugh. :)

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