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Liberals v Conservatives

Sarge

By Sarge
in The Tailgate

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Sarge

Sarge

Posted
Posted

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of laughing and simply deleting or forwarding it.

:D

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Destino

Destino

Posted
Posted

That was funny the first time I read it 2 years ago.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of laughing and simply deleting or forwarding it.

Being that it's assumed may as well play along...

For fun, anyone have the GDP numbers by state? I want to see how low those imported beer drinking liberals who produce nothing rank compared to the rugged hard working individualist red states.

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Sarge

Sarge

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Already posted? Must have been deployed

OK.

Try this

A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and

help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to

get it started."

Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the

table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her

and said,! "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able

to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice

cup of hot chocolate and then............",

he sighed.

"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

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SkinsD

SkinsD

Posted
Posted
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government.

Weren't most of these professions covered by the Village People? I see a cowboy, contruction worker, police officer, military person - thats 4 out of 6.

What are you telling us here Sarge?

Village.jpg

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JCB

JCB

Posted
Posted

Damn, all I'm taking from this thread is that hot "Samoan Thunder" sig!

BTW, I'm a liberal and thought that was hilarious. Dunno, maybe it's because I love barbecue (no serious person spells it BBQ, at least not in Carolina).

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Guest Gichin13

Guest Gichin13

Posted
Posted
Must have been deployed, huh? Well, take a gander at who started this thread in August of this year.

Feeling kinda old, Sarge? ;)

:jk: :laugh:

doh!!

Somehow I have never seen this before, so I for one am happy for the repost.

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AlexRS

AlexRS

Posted
Posted
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Hey, I eat red meat and provide for my women! :) Although, I am a SOFTware Engineer. I suppose I'd be a HARDware engineer if I were a conservative, eh? :laugh: And I do drink domestic beer, just not the kind that looks and tastes like you-know-what (err I'm talking about yellow water, of course). Does Sam Adams count as a domestic beer? After all, it has been produced by those gay Bostonian Europe-loving liberals :)

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wskin44

wskin44

Posted
Posted
Just wondering, but if the conservatives are out hunting meat and the liberals are sewing and evolving into women and girlymen, who is growing the grain for the beer?

Funny story but I was wondering the same. And who was making the wheels? Who convinced the conservatives to move out of caves? Who invented the third most important thing: t.v.? It was the liberals. Meat is good, but without beer and t.v. what is the point?

btw: I've never put a lime in my beer.

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TheSteve

TheSteve

Posted
Posted
Recycled ignorance...YEEEEAH!

Aren't the most Republican / conservative states also the biggest ones for welfare?

Not only that, but there are more white people on state assisted programs and welfare than blacks, despite the media and everyone portraying everything as if poor black people need assistance from the government.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Thiebear

Thiebear

Posted
Posted
Not only that, but there are more white people on state assisted programs and welfare than blacks, despite the media and everyone portraying everything as if poor black people need assistance from the government.

Not only that they are the top 25 states outta 50 in charitable contributions..

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