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Exclusive Faux Interview V: Genius is as Genius Does

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Good morning Mr. Genius.

What, no singing this morning.

Nah, but I’m just as happy though. I’m singing on the inside.

Well start working on a blues tune or two because, and I really hate to say this, the wheels are starting to come off the team’s bus.

Why don’t you bite me!

I beg your pardon? Did you just say, bite me?

No, “like me.” I said, “Why don’t you like me?”

Oh, that’s better. Of course I like you. What makes you think I don’t?

Well, you’re always raggin’ on my team. A team that’s won four games in row I might add, and is one more away from making the playoffs.

Well what I see, and I really hate to say this, is a team totally confused about what the hell they are trying to do.

I don’t know, scoring 35 points in must win games two weeks in row means they must be doing something right doesn’t it.

Maybe to the untrained eye of a pathetic homer, but if you know what you’re looking at its plain to see, and I really hate to say this, that they don’t have a clue as to how to play today’s football.

Blah blah blah! So who sucks this week, Gibbs? Brunell? The water boy?

No need to get testy. Don’t hate me because I’m smarter than you. Rather, use my knowledge to better yourself. How’s that old saying go, “Free your mind, your ass is hollow?”

Close enough.

So what, to your trained eye, is their problem?

Well I touched on it in one of our previous chats. Its guys playing out of position that will be the death of this team.

Could you be more specific?

They have tackles playing at guard, and one guard playing tackle. Plus, I’ve discovered something I find quite troubling, and frankly, once I let this cat out the bag, every team you guys play will be looking for it too.

Yeah, what’s that?

Well first off, and I really hate to say this, but the reason Danny Thomas, a natural tackle, will miss the rest of the season is due to playing in Chris Samuels natural position of right guard.

You mean Randy?

Whatever. The fact remains that Thomas is a natural tackle. In fact, his natural instinct to play tackle was so strong that on a number of plays, as soon as the ball was snapped, he would immediately revert back to it, and try to run outside to play tackle. So does the other guy, Dockery, at times.

Huh? Are you talking about them pulling?

Pulling? Hell no! For your information, when an offensive lineman is pulling on a defensive player its called holding. A 10-yard penalty.

No **** Sherlock! I’m talking about designed plays where an offensive lineman, and sometimes two linemen, at the snap of the ball, pulls out of his starting position to provide extra blocking on the outside for runs, screens, quarterback rollouts, etc. It’s referred to as “pulling.”

Sure it is. Next you’ll try to tell me that pushing on someone is referred to as “blocking.”

Well ah…………… forget it. So who should be playing guard, Mark Brunell?

That’s not a bad idea. He threw one hell of a block Sunday. Looked like a guard to me. Then, they could get their BEST quarterback more involved in the passing game.

Let me guess, Clinton Portis, right?

Now you’re learning. I mean like, HELLO! This guy’s completion percentage is off the hook!

So is the phone in your head.

Excuse me?

Nothing. Look, you obviously don’t like the Redskins, so let’s just change gears.

Well that’s where you’re wrong. I love the Redskins. They’ve been my favorite team forever.

Well listening to you beat them down all the time I don’t think people get that impression of you.

Well that’s their problem, not mine. Just because the team sucks, and their name is a racial slur, and the owner is a little weasel, and the head coach is old and stupid, and the assistant coaches suck, and their players can’t play, and they overpay them all, and the fans are all ignorant, and their stadium sucks, and their helmet is ugly, and all their wives and children are inbred doesn’t mean that I’m not the #1 Redskin fan on the planet.

Riiiiight! You’re just “keeping it real” huh?

No. I hate it when people say that. I’m just being honest, that’s all. Most people don’t realize the ingestible fortitude it takes to be so brutally honest. You don’t know the loneliness. You don’t know how it feels, realizing that you’re the only person, besides the guy calling the plays, that knows what’s about to happen, and why.

It’s like back in Super Bowl XVII on the big fourth and one play. While everybody in the country was expecting the Play Action Double Reverse Flea-Flicker Half Back Option For Two Yards play, Gibbs and I were the only guys in the world that knew Riggins would get the ball. Of course being Mr. Conservative, Gibbs had just called for a Pick Up The First Down run. Good thing Riggins didn’t listen. Try living in that kind of hell. It’s like knowing the ending of a movie and not being able to shout out at the theatre, “The butler did it!”

Oh, the humanity!

Exactly.

Ok then, since you say you’re the #1 Redskin fan on the planet, why don’t you tell us what you LIKE about our team?

Rock Cartwright.

Alright! He’s one of my favorite players too. A hard working, team first kind of guy who excels on special teams, and can step in and provide steady, if not spectacular, rushing ability when needs be.

Well I don’t really care about any of that. I just liked watching his father, Hoss Cartwright, on the television show Bonanza when I was kid.

Riiiiight!

Well is there anything about the team’s PLAY that you like?

No, not really. Like I said, they suck. Hell, even the founder of Extremeskins, Blow Hard thinks so. A couple of weeks ago, he said…

ATTENTION: Gratuitous Suck-Up Alert!!!

Somebody cue the music please, Battle Hymn of The Republic.

Are you sure you don’t want, Oh Canada?

**** Canada!

Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute. First off, it’s Die Hard, not Blow Hard. Secondly, I think it’s safe to say that nobody is a bigger Redskin fan than he is. He would never say anything bad about this team. He loves this team. The world needs more Die Hards in it. A day without Die Hard is like a day without sunshine.

ATTENTION: End of Suck-Up!

What a suck up. Go wipe your nose off, …… butt kisser.

Bite me, Maggot!

_____________________________________________________

For those who may have missed them...

Faux I - http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=129953&highlight=faux

Faux II - http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=131051&highlight=faux

Faux III - http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=132249&highlight=faux

Faux IV - http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?t=133903&highlight=faux

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This is reminding me of the recent abscence on the board of a certain self-described contrarian who I hope is all right and just avoiding us because he needs a break from unsophisticated homers. :)

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It always takes me a few minutes to get into the flow.... but I always enjoy these :) Thanks for the honorable mention. Blow Hard indeed :)

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